Do we need to split this or do I need to get my shit together?

[dustyflipflop]

I am prepared to be told either.
I'm pretty shit at housekeeping and fairly messy so maybe it's just the fact that I'm so unorganised that I can't keep on top of things.

DH works Mon-Fri usually 8-5.30/6pm, non manual job, sometimes requiring nights away and generally always open to a phone call even on an evening and usually finishing bits of paperwork whilst on the sofa on a night.
I work PT 3 days a week fitting around school hours, it's a flexible role and I can pretty much pick and choose my hours as long as I hit the deadlines. This means I work school hours on the 3 days my youngest is at nursery and then evenings and also in between when I can fit an hour in or so to keep on top of stuff sometimes more sometimes less. I do all the school runs and drop offs for obvious reasons.
2 days a week my youngest is at home with me and on one of them we do an activity together.
We are all (4 of us including primary aged dc1) at home on weekends.

Considering I am at home with dc2 for 2 days in the week not counting the 3 hours for the activity on one of the days is it safe to assume I should do absolutely everything to do with the house?
If so then why can't I crack it?

I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, washing up and shopping. DH cooks on weekends and will tend to do the dishes then too but apart from that doesn't do anything else past the occasional bit of gardening and taking the bins out.

We had a chat today about the house being a tip, the majority of it is. DH said he can't do it due to working hours and that I should not be picking and choosing what bits I feel like doing that day but should do a schedule and stick to it as I might find it easier.
I don't think he's wrong but I still feel kind of resentful, he gets to just think about work whilst I feel like I'm juggling.
I've never seen him set the washing machine or clean a toilet, never folded DCs clothes or put them away. If he shops he leaves in the kitchen for me to put away as the cupboards are a mess and he says he never knows where stuff can fit.

He does work extremely hard and in a quite pressured role, mine is much more laid back and PT but then I'm juggling school runs, clubs, housework, laundry, shopping. He really does try to do clubs with eldest whenever he can and any extra curricular activities if possible as he doesn't see them much Mon-Fri.

How can I make this work? Do I need to get my backside in gear and organise everything? Is there anything I could expect him to do or should I just work on how I schedule it in?

All opinions welcome.

To clarify... you are either at work or have a nursery aged child with you at all times (plus Primary aged child after school).
You are not 'home alone'.

Some stuff can be done around small children. Other bits can't.

Bits that can be done... tidying up, laundry, hoovering, dishes.

Then both take in turns (while other does childcare) for bathrooms, proper kitchen clean etc at weekends.

So you are carrying the mental load for all this juggling as well?

If he's keen on a schedule then have you looked at the organised mum method? TOMM . It's about not being run ragged and doing ' enough' rather than perfection.

Ahh OP. The reason why women still get left with "women's work" in 2021 is because we let them.

You work part time because you NEED to pick up the kids. Perhaps if your DH realised they were his kids too and did some actual parenting then you wouldn't have to.

It seems quite obvious that he works to avoid parenting and household chores and sadly so far he's got away with it because you've enabled him.

DH and I have always worked full time. I made it very clear that I wouldn't be going part time to enable his career at the expense of my own and it works. We split both childcare, school drop offs and housework equally.

If I were you I'd tell him you're going back to work full time and therefore he needs to step up and split everything, and I mean EVERYTHING equally.

The shock of this might open his eyes to how much you actually do, and how little he does. I've no time for men who think their careers are so important that they suddenly forget how to parent/adult and that their wife is solely there as their maid /nanny.

It'd cost him a lot more if you divorced.

If he works that hard in a pressured job you should at least be able to afford a dishwasher, cheap ones cost f all.

He is a lazy arse and you shouldn't stand for it, he should be at least pitching in with the cleaning and the washing especially at the weekends

I think juggling can be a real struggle for some and it’s not as easy as setting a schedule. Once you feel overwhelmed it can be so hard to get organised. Can you afford to get a cleaner every two weeks? That, and DH cooking on Monday and Wednesday evenings, really helped me.

Women can have it all = women can do it it all! It's unfair unrealistic and YANBU!

I don't think it is safe to assume you should be doing it all.
Yes, I do think you should be doing most.
But, nope, not it all. Split a couple of the bigger jobs on a weekend.
If you're doing the mental load as well, for me that was massive!

For example of an evening I would be trying to sleep thinking 'oooh I must get dds pyjamas out tomorrow for her sleepover, and the cat needs the vets and I need to pop to the shop to get A cucumber and our neighbour needs a thank you card for dinner' etc etc. I once asked ex what he was thinking and he replied 'if I could just draw the ball on the fourth hall I might make par.'

I always find this sort of argument strange. So your DH is utterly incapable of doing any housework because he works full time? So what happened before he had a wife and children? Did he never live alone? Did he never do his laundry or cook himself a meal? Or clean his bathroom? You are his wife, not his maid.

I do all the cooking, laundry, cleaning, washing up and shopping. DH cooks on weekends and will tend to do the dishes then too but apart from that doesn't do anything else past the occasional bit of gardening and taking the bins out.

On the days you’re off then you should do it all. The days you’re both working/both off everything should be split equally.

Sorry let me just follow up before I get anymore comments!

He does work really hard and it is absolutely not to skip family responsibilities, he loves spending time with me and DCs and hates it if he's ever had to miss something because he's been away. He needs to work those hours for the time being - it's a bit of a long haul thing at the moment but will definitely pay off down the line.

I don't have any particular qualifications and wasn't on any type of "career path" pre DCs, I have never been career minded and to be honest have been very lucky to land such a flexible job which allows us to not have to rely on anyone for childcare.

Yeah my husband works long hours in a very stressful government job, has really long hours, he’s away a lot and works when he’s at home sometimes too, but you know what? He’s still willing to do housework and look after ds when he’s here. Why? because he’s an adult and it’s his house and child too.

Your oh sounds bloody lazy. Fuck doing everything! Do what you can when he’s not there (who cares if the house is messy as long as it’s clean) but when he is there the devision of labour should be as equal as possible. He should be helping you, not acting like he’s another one of your kids.

Nothing more unattractive than a lazy partner.

We have a very similar set up in terms of working hours and kids ages. The house is an absolute sh*t tip. I’ll get into a house keeping routine once the two year old starts school. Until then it’s basically a game of chicken between me and DH, seeing who cracks first and gets the hoover out. With two small kids and both working I think it’s normal to live in chaos. If it bothers him as the main earner he can stump up for a housekeeper….

Oh and please stop downplaying and dismissing what you do. Read your OP back-compare the way you describe your job to the way you describe your DH's job.

Think about the way you talk about your contributions to the family-he is not the lord and master with the 'big' job who needs to be handled carefully. And you are making a significant contribution to your family. Don't dismiss all the things you do every single day. And don't let him dismiss them either.

I will add to my post, that I did the same as you, and making this mistake was a factor in our eventual divorce. You are doing more than him, this will be building resentment, even if you try to squash those thoughts.

@JonahofArk Is spot on with how you put your dh on a pedestal. Is that your handiwork, or his?
Regarding dc activities, my ex also drove to the dc to their activities on a weekend. After I had sourced the activity, researched the activity, booked the activity, worked out if said activity was logistically possible, paid for activity, did all communication about the activity, wrote activity in diary, sourced all uniform and equipment required for said activity. All dh did was once they were ready and by door at the correct time, drive them there. No further thought process. But, absolutely yes, he 'did the activity'. Grrr. I would hazard a guess that's what happens here.

my argument every time is if you lived alone you would have to do stuff whether you worked full time or not. Because your partner has a couple of days "free" doesn't mean its their responsibility to do all your chores as well as whatever they are actually doing ie looking after and sorting out kids. He needs to take on some responsibilities. Start working out what he can do for the family (not for you)

Sorry I don't mean to put him on a pedestal at all, if anything we had quite a heated conversation as I did not appreciate the what he thought was "helpful" advice about me getting organised better.

But to give credit where it's due he does work extremely hard in a very pressured area. Not to say I don't of course.
We had a horrible time and a bit of a tragedy a few years ago which is why we are not currently seeing all the benefits of his earning potential as we basically had to start from scratch. Otherwise we would have probably ended up with a weekly cleaner just so the house wasn't grubby and kept the lady that did our ironing on.

I think a PP pointed out quite accurately it's the mental load. I often have to switch from my "home" head to my "work" head as well if something urgent comes through, often it's a short 5-10mins but it still throws me a bit as I have to stop what I'm doing at that moment.

YANBU. You are only at home 2 days a week and for one of those mornings or afternoons you are doing an activity with your ds, so in fact you are at home one and a half days per week with a 2 year old. This is nothing about you being disorganised and everything about their not being enough hrs in the day, and your dh not stepping up enough, so please do not be so hard on yourself.

It should be all hands to the pump when you have small DC. And even if your dh was living by himself he would have to do some shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry other than cooking at weekends.

Also, although I agree entirely with Treacletoots about everything being shared equally, I dislike the rhetoric that women are to blame for "letting the men get away with it". No they are not! The men (it is usually the men) are to blame and parents should be able to take the decision together that one of them will step back from their careers temporarily to do the school runs etc if they feel that would benefit their individual family, without one of the parents taking the Michael!

What to do about it that is the question? Treacletoots method is undoubtedly effective. But you may need to do less hours work (not recomnended) , you may need to get a cleaner and a dw, or your dh needs to do !ore.

You need to speak to your dh about this seriously, but first write down every single task, however small, that you do in a week (record it on your phone) and then divide it appropriately. He doesn't get to check out entirely during the week now he has a family.

Perhaps leave him alone with the DC from early on a Saturday morning to early Monday morning and then come back and ask why the house is such a mess and what has he been doing all weekend? And then have the talk!

Good luck op

Perhaps if you worked out a schedule you would see what is and is not practical alongside your childcare and work responsibilities. Then the rest will need to be split between you. Part time job plus childcare sounds like you don't have that much more free time than him, even if you are technically 'at home'.

If the cupboards are a mess, maybe you could both do them together one evening? If you get everything out and put things away properly then you can have a fresh start. You can also do a stock take whilst you do this and then will know exactly where everything goes and exactly what you need when DH goes shopping. He will also be able to put the shopping away easily because he knows where it all goes and you won’t be overstocked. That will be a major boost and time saver. Then you can think about what would be the next saviour. I would definitely recommend a major cull- perhaps a Marie Kondo cull? You can download checklists from the internet fairly easily. Once you have had a major clear out then you will find things considerably easier.
I would then suggest that you can look at something like flylady for some ideas about how to organise your time and if you don’t have time you can give DH some jobs to do too. Neither of you will have the mental load of thinking about what needs to be done as you just go to the app and see what’s on the checklist. Then you work from there.
You can also try simple ways to cut down your time consuming tasks. I sort my washing into Lights, Darks, Whites and Towels. So I bought a 4 part laundry basket which lives in the bathroom. The bags lift out so I can take down the washing and bring it back up empty. I now don’t have to do any large laundry sorting loads- just look to see which is nearing a load and bung it in the machine as I am getting ready on the morning.
Then think what are other time drains... try to set up systems for work. Have things together such as stationery/ wrapping/ gifts/ cards and then they are always together so you don’t spend any time looking for them.
If you hugely reduce the amount of belongings you have, you’ll spend less time tidying them and it will be easier to keep on top of. You can also rope in other family members.
When mine were little, I used to give them a cloth and get them to dust/wipe lower down things while I did higher up. It was never perfect but they were helping so not bored and it was better than not getting done.
We also used to play sock snap. I would lie all the socks out flat and they would find a pair and pass it to me to fold. I still do this now as my DH has a sock problem so we have about eleven million pairs!
He does work full time but that doesn’t absolve him of all responsibility- maybe he could cook each evening while you do something else and then you clear up while he does something else? Then you both get to finish at the same time each evening.

Sorry op, I hadn't read your update when I posted.

Why do you assume it was just luck that got you a flexible job? Would you say that about a friend's job? I am sure your own skills and personality had something to do with it!

I think your DH ought to manage his time better and draw a line under his working day.

If he is sitting doing emails or paperwork late in the evening it appears he isn't work smartly and even using his 'work' as an excuse not to do his bit at home.

His hours aren't exactly long. 6pm would be an early finish for many people especially if they commute when they aren't even home till 7 or later.

On the other hand, you do only work part time and a lot of the chores that need doing can only be done during the day, not last thing at night.

It's not clear exactly what you need help with!

How about you

1 Add up your working hours over the week. If it's 3 days is that 24 hours? ( 3 x 8 hours)

2 Add up your H's hours

3 Divide the chores accordingly.

That to me would be around 65/35% you to him.

4 Get a dishwasher
5 Get a cleaner for 2 hours a week to do the laundry , ironing and basic cleaning.

I do most things in the house but that’s only because I want to have a nice clean and tidy house. I couldn’t rest if it was unclean and messy! I’m not for tit for tat and who does what. I just get on with it …
It must not bother you

@JonahofArk

I always find this sort of argument strange. So your DH is utterly incapable of doing any housework because he works full time? So what happened before he had a wife and children? Did he never live alone? Did he never do his laundry or cook himself a meal? Or clean his bathroom? You are his wife, not his maid.

He cooks at the weekend, maybe the washing up, he puts the bins out and does gardening. He also does shopping, not sure how much or how regular from the OP. Maybe he should do more but unfair to say he does nothing.

He told you his 5 day a week hours meant that he couldnt do anything and you could get a schedule

I am surprised you didnt tell him to stick that up his arse and that no his hours do not mean that at all.

We have a similar set up - DH works 5 days I do 3 days that I manage around school stuff. Officially we are 37 hours to 21 hours so for ease say 40/20 and that is how everything is pretty much divided I do 70% and he takes on 30% but has very specific tasks.

He is being lazy and clearly you both need to come up with a schedule that works for both of you