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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU- Dog vs neighbours allergic child !

999 replies

Henryhoover12 · 08/07/2021 14:45

Please can someone tell us if we’re being unreasonable or our neighbours are. We moved to a new house and really got on with our neighbours they are very lovely and we spend lots of time speaking to them. We mentioned that we were purchasing a dog In which they had mortified looks on their faces and explained their DC is extremely allergic to dogs (e.g can’t be in class with anyone who owns a dog etc has been in hospital) we kind of brushed it off and said we can speak about it closer to the time.

After that everytime we bumped into them they kept asking if we “changed our minds” which we found so awkward but in the end we told them not getting a dog wasn’t an option is we have always wanted one but are happy to work things out so it’s safe for their child. They took this badly and didn’t speak to us for a while. Closer to us picking up the dog we went around and asked what they would like us to do to ensure safety for their child.

One of the (long list of) rules was that we didn’t let the dog out while their child was in the garden. This seemed fine at the time until we realised their child is ALWAYS in the garden. And I mean always they have a little treehouse type thing that they play in so come rain and sunshine they are out there. At first we tried to play ball like if our dog wanted to wee we would walk him to the park 10 minutes but now it’s just getting ridiculous so we have started letting him go to wee when it’s raining outside because we really can’t be asked to walk 20 minutes just for that. The last time we did the mum came our and shouted at me saying I’m going to kill her child. AIBU to think that our dog has every much right to use our garden as the child? Our poor dog loves to be outside but is trapped inside because of this and I’m starting to think it’s really unfair

OP posts:

HaveringWavering · 08/07/2021 18:34

@GreenCrayon

And yet such a vulnerable child goes to school? Hmmm.

Exactly. Any argument they may have falls completely flat at the fact they think the risk of their child going to school is less than the risk of a dog living next door.

There is no reason to think this dog is a risk to their child, they will never be near it, they won't be indoors with the people who have been in contact with it and yet somehow this risk is more life threatening than their child attending school.

It's just so illogical.

I don’t believe any of this, but I could see an argument that they think that school is a risk worth taking because of the educational benefit, whereas they want to be able to relax 100% at home for the rest of the time secure in the knowledge that there is no risk.

StrawberryDelight10 · 08/07/2021 18:35

Not the OP's problem

I completely agree this is a shit situation for both the OP and their neighbours. I just don't think it's fair to say well they should buy all surrounding properties or they should buy some vast rural property to protect their child when they may not have the means to do this. Maybe they do, but if they don't then it's not their fault. Passing judgement on them because they haven't done this without knowing their financial position doesn't make sense. How is anyone supposed to guess when having a child that they would have a severe allergy like this?

The response of "not my problem" is not fair in my opinion. It means a child from a poorer background should just deal with ill health and life threatening risks that a similar child from a wealthier background would not have to endure. That is never right in my opinion. I've also seen the suggestion of buying a flat, I assume that in itself has problems, with living so close to people, making sure you have a private entrance, and the child being stuck inside.

You could say "well that's just how the world works", and if that's a response someone is gonna give me then I'd argue that someone having a dream of owning a dog and moving next to neighbour with a dealthy dog allergy is also "just how the world works".

I'd still personally go down the route of having a conversation with them, set down your boundaries that your dog also needs to go into the garden, and try make a compromise around that. I also wonder whether they can get a medical opinion whether this is actually as big of a risk as they think it is. I don't blame them for being terrified though.

Greencoatblue · 08/07/2021 18:36

Oops turned to page 10 and my solution is mentioned

HaveringWavering · 08/07/2021 18:36

OP can you see if you can get to know any school parents and find out from them what rules the school imposes? Sounds like your kids are not at the same school, are they older? Or does the kid not go to the local primary?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/07/2021 18:36

@30degreesandmeltinghere

The mistake you made was agreeing to even look at their list.

That sums it up.

godmum56 · 08/07/2021 18:36

@Twoforthree

Hopefully she reacted due to stress and will be much more reasonable when you speak to her again.

oh look.....flying pig

Pics · 08/07/2021 18:37

A child in my extended family is one of the most allergic children to dogs in the country - coats on pets in school cloakrooms from houses with pets could kick it off and the reaction is anaphylactic.
This type of behaviour though is not what our family members did, and the child has received excellent nhs treatment and it is more manageable now 10 years on.
There is a specialist allergy centre in Leicester i think. Maybe you could contact them for advice on how much is and is not necessary

MumofSpud · 08/07/2021 18:37

But HOW does the school 'police' this no dogs rule?
It just doesn't make sense!

PissedOffAgain · 08/07/2021 18:38

*OP
As a matter of interest - are you allowed in the garden? Because presumably your clothes will also have dog hair/dander/etc on them unless you're also not allowed to pet your own dog?
Surely that's also a risk to the child?

GreenCrayon · 08/07/2021 18:39

It just wouldn't be worth the risk though and no parent of a child with this severe an allergy would actually think it sensible to send their child into such a risky situation. It would be much more sensible to have a 1-1 teacher in a much safer environment than going to a school. As you say its just not believable.

pigeonhole · 08/07/2021 18:39

And what would have happened if you moved into the house already owning a dog ? Or two dogs ? Or three dogs ?
Feel sorry for the child but it's really not your problem , you sound like you are trying your best

godmum56 · 08/07/2021 18:39

HaveringWavering

"I don’t believe any of this, but I could see an argument that they think that school is a risk worth taking because of the educational benefit, whereas they want to be able to relax 100% at home for the rest of the time secure in the knowledge that there is no risk."

but there still is.....dog walking by, dog hair on the breeze, bird building nest in garden using dog hair....

SixesAndEights · 08/07/2021 18:39

@StrawberryDelight10 The extended family own all the surrounding properties bar the OP's, though. Surely collectively they can find a solution between them unless it's not their problem to do so either.

Sloaneslone · 08/07/2021 18:39

@HaveringWavering if have a dog in the next door garden could kill the child.

School is not a risk worth taking. When would school ever be a risk worth taking, when the allergy is so bad a reaction can be had outside, on the other side of a fence.

You are gaurenteed weekly hospital visits, if not death.

If the allergy isn't that bad, they can relax. Because the dog is in the next garden. Nit kicking their child.

Sloaneslone · 08/07/2021 18:40

Ffs not licking their child.

KurtWilde · 08/07/2021 18:40

As if posters are saying OP should reach out to allergy centres!! Managing the child's health is 100% the parents responsibility, and there was no onus on OP to have even read the list of 'rules' in the first place! This entire thread is insane.

godmum56 · 08/07/2021 18:40

@GreenCrayon

I am not sure you would find an ordinary school who would accept the risk.

Original poster

Henryhoover12 · 08/07/2021 18:40

I think what gets me the most is that we’ve followed all of the list despite not having to and the mums reaction by screaming out the window that I was going to kill her child was so in called for- she knows we don’t want to kill her child as we follow all her rules. So this has really pissed me off because it seems like she doesn’t appreciate the sacrifices we have made

OP posts:

thinkfast · 08/07/2021 18:40

I think you first of all need to establish the veracity and severity of the allergy, and take matters from there.

My mum once had a friend who claimed to have a number of severe dietary allergies. I've forgotten the extremely long list of things that could kill her, but remember they included just being in the same room as sliced citrus fruit, and eating any dairy. We totally changed our usual Xmas day menu to accommodate her and it was a massive effort.

On the day, a jug of bread sauce was passed round the table and this lady began to help herself to a huge serving of it. I quickly said "that's got dairy in it" and she got cross and told me not to be so po-faced! I was absolutely fuming as she wolfed it down!

HaveringWavering · 08/07/2021 18:40

@Pics “coats on pets in the cloakroom” - unfortunate typo!

But joking apart, how did the school address this? My guess would be by making sure that the allergic child had somewhere separate to put their own coat?

AnotherKrampus · 08/07/2021 18:40

Even an incredibly severe allergy will not cause harm outside with a fence and plants dividing the gardens. That is just utterly preposterous! If someone has such a severe allergy then the onus is on them to manage it. It cannot curtail the lives of others to such an intrusive extent.

It reminds me of the time, I was walking my dogs, being in the centre of a massive green space, in an area frequented by dog walkers, a long way away and not visible from the rest of the space that has several protected child play areas where no dogs are allowed. A family made a beeline towards us dog walkers to inform us that their child was terrified of dogs. We shrugged our shoulders. There are hundreds and hundreds of metres where there are no dogs, just bloody go there then!

YellowBellyCat · 08/07/2021 18:41

I think you need to dictate some stuff to them...

The dog will be out in the garden between these times and give them a list of times. You will try not to allow the dog in the garden at other times but if the dog is asking to go out and needs the loo it will be going out.

Bargebill19 · 08/07/2021 18:41

@Pics. Nice thought, but surely that’s what the neighbour should be doing or have done?
Nice to hear a positive outcome and a sensible approach from a family with allergies. Shame not everyone is as sensible.

GabriellaMontez · 08/07/2021 18:43

Which did she do first, scream at you or get the child in?

Bargebill19 · 08/07/2021 18:43

I wonder if the dogs rules have a totally other reason …. Like the ice cream van which only plays music when it’s empty.

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