Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To retract/reduce offer of a spare room... AIBU?

108 replies

MrD20 · 07/07/2021 20:28

Hello all
In a bit of a predicament. Am expecting some pushback on this but I accept my mistake of being too forthcoming and not fully sincere in it!
A friend from my running club is currently in the process of completing on her new house & her tenancy is due to run out in her old house before completion (leaving her/her partner without a place to stay for what they anticipate to be a “short” but unclear period of time) she is relocating to London which is about 2 hours from here. Recently during a post run coffee within the group she mentioned this and how this was stressful and she was worried about being left short of a place to stay etc, at which point I said “Well if you need anything, a place to stay or store your stuff let me know”. Being totally honest, having never met her partner , and my partner having never met either of them - I wasn’t sure this would be followed through.

Today she has called me, stating that they now anticipate that they will not complete on their house in time, leaving them without somewhere to stay from next Tuesday. And “could they stay with us - they appreciate its asking a lot”. I said I would speak to my partner and get back to them. Having spoken to my partner - he is understandably a bit frustrated with me; but also not opposed to them staying, however due to the space we have, work, my partner is also not in great health and the fact we are due to have family come to stay next weekend also, we really don’t want this to be an extended thing. I think it could get awkward.
They anticipated they “should” get the keys by next weekend (but this is NOT confirmed; so there’s every chance it could go on for several weeks)
AIBU to say yes they can stay, but we are able to offer the spare room from Monday - Friday, and then from Friday night onwards they’ll need to find somewhere else to stay??

OP posts:
Original poster
MrD20 · 08/07/2021 00:08

Thanks everyone. Yes thank you to those who picked up on that - the issue is I did initially offer I think my exact words were “well if you’re really stuck & you need somewhere to stay for a couple of nights”... and the question was this open ended no end date thing.

Thank you everyone for your responses

I have called and explained honestly that my offer of a couple of nights still stands, However having considered that there isn’t a set completion date, we have family staying & not a great deal of space, that in fact if they’d like to stay Monday evening - Friday afternoon that would be fine, however that’s the maximum we can offer, but if that saves them a few hundred £££ on a hotel I hope that’s helpful. But from Friday onwards they’d need to find somewhere else to stay

OP posts:
Original poster
MrD20 · 08/07/2021 00:09

@HyggeTygge definitely the latter was my impression. When I spoke over the phone with her she explained that they’ve “just realised they may be caught short on a date and are discussing what to do” hence why I decided to be clear on a deadline to avoid any awkwardness. I would like to think offering 4 nights free & also use of space for boxes etc is still rather generous

OP posts:
HotToddyColdSauvignon · 08/07/2021 00:10

Did they thank you kindly for your offer op?, and be gracious about it?

Original poster
MrD20 · 08/07/2021 00:18

@HotToddyColdSauvignon she did - she said she was very grateful for the 4 nights on offer and would take 3 of them (as Monday night they will still be moving out of their current property)... and they are hoping they’ll be moved in by sometime the end of the following week - however if not they’ll make other arrangements (hotel etc).
This tells me that it may well have gone on for several weeks if I’d left it open ended.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 08/07/2021 00:27

If you offered I think it would be a bit mean to suddenly say no now. I would tell them you have visitors on Friday evening but they would be welcome to come to stay until then. One day you too may be desparate for a place to stay.

strawberrydonuts · 08/07/2021 00:38

@MrD20

Thanks very much everyone. I do feel very bad, like I said I’d be happy if it was “we have 2 nights gap as keys are available on x date - could we stay at yours to bridge it?” It’s just the open-ended ness of it that has made us anxious. Like I say my partner has never met either of them, so staying with us for several weeks etc would be uncomfortable.
So tell them this?

Just be honest with them about what you can offer.

Lalliella · 08/07/2021 00:38

@MrD20

Thanks everyone. Yes thank you to those who picked up on that - the issue is I did initially offer I think my exact words were “well if you’re really stuck & you need somewhere to stay for a couple of nights”... and the question was this open ended no end date thing.

Thank you everyone for your responses

I have called and explained honestly that my offer of a couple of nights still stands, However having considered that there isn’t a set completion date, we have family staying & not a great deal of space, that in fact if they’d like to stay Monday evening - Friday afternoon that would be fine, however that’s the maximum we can offer, but if that saves them a few hundred £££ on a hotel I hope that’s helpful. But from Friday onwards they’d need to find somewhere else to stay

Good compromise OP, well done. Very reasonable of you!
Whinginadeville · 08/07/2021 06:21

You really should think about your actions. You say you're biggest fault is offering too much. It isn't your biggest fault is making empty offers. You only needed to offer sympathy or give a qualified you could stay for a couple of days offer. I think you've been quite mean and made your friends worrysome situation worse by playing fake lady bountiful. I used to be guilty of this too so I onow how easy a trap this is to fall into but rewriting it as you being too nice isn't helping.

Original poster
MrD20 · 08/07/2021 06:24

@Whinginadeville thanks - please read above re: my original offer / thinking about my actions

OP posts:
Hopetobe4mrfatty · 08/07/2021 06:30

I agree not on board. However the other CF niggle knowing the U.K. housing situation, it could be a week, 5 months, god knows. Airbnb

ZenNudist · 08/07/2021 06:35

Blame dh. It's just awkward

londonscalling · 08/07/2021 06:55

Blame Covid. We are not entirely back to normal yet!

LonstantonSpiceMuseum · 08/07/2021 07:06

@TheRebelle

Why on earth did you offer? Just go back and say since you made the offer family have been in touch and they’re coming to visit so sorry but you can’t help this time
YABU to have offered without the intention. Never do that, it just messes people around! Yes you are doing them a favour but they might have made different decisions had they known you wouldn't be able to do it. They might not have needed your help or could have had time to come up with something different. Id personally see it through, but explain the situation to them - you made the promise in haste and it's not as practical as you thought, but the offer is still there. This at least gives them a chance to search for an alternative. Do it now, so they have as much time as possible.
MaggieFS · 08/07/2021 07:23

Good updates! Always best to ensure there's no room for confusion.

rookiemere · 08/07/2021 07:38

Well done OP, still an incredible offer for virtual strangers.

cutebutscary · 08/07/2021 07:50

Very kind OP . Now let's hope your next thread isn't "help!! My temporary lodgers won't move out" hope it all goes well for you Smile

SixesAndEights · 08/07/2021 09:18

@Whinginadeville

You really should think about your actions. You say you're biggest fault is offering too much. It isn't your biggest fault is making empty offers. You only needed to offer sympathy or give a qualified you could stay for a couple of days offer. I think you've been quite mean and made your friends worrysome situation worse by playing fake lady bountiful. I used to be guilty of this too so I onow how easy a trap this is to fall into but rewriting it as you being too nice isn't helping.
I agree with this.

The OP's original offer was a completely empty gesture that she didn't want this woman to take up, nor did she expect her to. As soon as the woman did, the OP wanted to get out of it.

That isn't nice at all. I think fake lady bountiful sums her up perfectly.

Yes, she did end up offering, but she didn't really want to, and it wasn't from feeling kind, more that she felt she had to offer something.

Original poster
MrD20 · 08/07/2021 09:34

@SixesAndEights I’d say calling someone “fake lady bountiful” is not particular kind either! Happy for feedback - but constructive ones at that.

OP posts:
rantymcrantface66 · 08/07/2021 09:39

I'd think the offer of a few nights until your family comes is perfectly fine and reasonable. You've fulfilled your original offer and give them some breathing space. I'm sure it will be a great help to still be able to store some boxes. You sound very thoughtful and generous especially as this person appears more of an acquaintance than a friend.

Londoncanuck · 08/07/2021 09:40

Blame covid? "My partner is self isolating and I think its best if we don't have any guests"

starfishmummy · 08/07/2021 09:55

As others have suggested perhaps offer Mon to Thur and with ground rules - i e that there is only room for them and their essential bags and nkt all their belongings.

Aprilx · 08/07/2021 10:14

@WhatAShilohPitt

You’re clearly very kind, OP. You can’t go through with this though. Bite the bullet and say that you were sincere at the time you offered that but that it no longer works for you and your husband as you now have family staying. Offer to help with storing their stuff to make it easier fir them to stay in a hotel. It’s a HUGE ask and you made an offer, not gave a contract - you have the final say if you no longer want to.
Doesn’t seem clear to me. Seems like OP wants to pretend she is kind, so long as nobody actually takes her up on her fake kindness!
Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/07/2021 10:17

I think you've handled it well, OP - though the "just realised they may be caught short on a date and are discussing what to do” suggests a lack of planning and the hope they could stretch it

Best hope they don't try that anyway, but actually it wouldn't surprise me if they suddenly "find another solution" now you've made your limits clear

TillyTottenham · 08/07/2021 10:44

You shouldn't have made the offer if you didn't mean it.
So yes, you should let them stay and store their stuff.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 08/07/2021 11:28

This worked out ok then? They stay a few days, you didn’t go back on your offer. Try to enjoy them staying? You might get w nice weekend in London out of it?