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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To retract/reduce offer of a spare room... AIBU?

108 replies

MrD20 · 07/07/2021 20:28

Hello all
In a bit of a predicament. Am expecting some pushback on this but I accept my mistake of being too forthcoming and not fully sincere in it!
A friend from my running club is currently in the process of completing on her new house & her tenancy is due to run out in her old house before completion (leaving her/her partner without a place to stay for what they anticipate to be a “short” but unclear period of time) she is relocating to London which is about 2 hours from here. Recently during a post run coffee within the group she mentioned this and how this was stressful and she was worried about being left short of a place to stay etc, at which point I said “Well if you need anything, a place to stay or store your stuff let me know”. Being totally honest, having never met her partner , and my partner having never met either of them - I wasn’t sure this would be followed through.

Today she has called me, stating that they now anticipate that they will not complete on their house in time, leaving them without somewhere to stay from next Tuesday. And “could they stay with us - they appreciate its asking a lot”. I said I would speak to my partner and get back to them. Having spoken to my partner - he is understandably a bit frustrated with me; but also not opposed to them staying, however due to the space we have, work, my partner is also not in great health and the fact we are due to have family come to stay next weekend also, we really don’t want this to be an extended thing. I think it could get awkward.
They anticipated they “should” get the keys by next weekend (but this is NOT confirmed; so there’s every chance it could go on for several weeks)
AIBU to say yes they can stay, but we are able to offer the spare room from Monday - Friday, and then from Friday night onwards they’ll need to find somewhere else to stay??

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 07/07/2021 21:27

So if I understand correctly, they exchange this Friday and have to move out on Tuesday. Completion will be 3-5 days from Fridays exchange meaning they can move potentially Tuesday to Thursday.
I would say sorry we can't accommodate you but we can help store some items. It should 9nly be a few days so might be worth looking for an air and b

Original poster
MrD20 · 07/07/2021 21:29

@HalzTangz - this is correct apart from, they are still “awaiting an email” to see if Friday is the exchange date - so the exchange date itself isn’t even confirmed. So at present, there isn’t a firm date for them to get the keys and they’re essentially without a place to stay from Tuesday with no confirmed completion

my offer was genuine but I was under the impression there would be a period of 3-4 days gap with 2 set dates; however at present this feels very open ended

OP posts:
singlehun · 07/07/2021 21:33

I think you have to honour it really. That will have been in her mind as a solid option and it's unkind to remove it now. At the last minute.

LavendulaAngustifolia · 07/07/2021 21:35

Is that a ping from test on trace on your phone?

Original poster
MrD20 · 07/07/2021 21:39

@singlehun I hear what you’re saying & I’m happy to offer a few nights - but an open-ended invite to stay at ours for an unknown amount of time free of charge, no maximum?
I would have thought they would have organised a plan B that’s a bit more solid than this, but perhaps that’s just me - we had an air BnB booked throughout the time we were awaiting to exchange.

OP posts:
annacondom · 07/07/2021 21:40

I think it's a really bad idea to lie, blame your DH, blame covid, etc. Tell the truth, that you have family coming to stay. What you've said is fair.

notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 21:40

" My DP and I are relocating. A friend from my running club kindly offered that we could stay for a few days until we get the keys for the new place. We were really grateful, would have kept out of the way, taken them out for dinner to say thank you etc. Then, with just a few days to go, she suddenly turned round and said her DH wasn't happy about it and we need to find somewhere else to go! AIBU to feel let down by this? I can't understand why she didn't ask him in advance"

thevassal · 07/07/2021 21:42

I think that given you did offer it would be mean to go back on it now...she must be pretty desperate to be asking someone she doesn't know that well. But it's also fair for you to put a time limit on it especially as you already have other guests booked in. I think offering Mon to Thurs/Fri morning is fine - might be that's all they need, if they do need longer at least you're saving them a few hundred quid on a hotel room for four nights. If it's no good for them they can just refuse.

annacondom · 07/07/2021 21:42

That is, it's fair to offer a few nights, but not fair of them to expect to stay with no end in sight. Hotel.

Original poster
MrD20 · 07/07/2021 21:45

@notanothertakeaway - I think you need to re-read my original message. I have stood by “a few days” and said we are happy to host for several nights. But not without a time limit - also this was a conversation in passing some time ago, with no follow up until today - and I had no knowledge of the dates of her tenancy end, so I wasn’t aware until she asked me this evening that it is so soon.

OP posts:
notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 21:45

"My DH, without consulting me, invited a friend from his running club, and his DP (who DH has never met) to stay until they get keys for their new house. DH is now having second thoughts. He wants to blame me, and say that I refused. AIBU to be angry he wants to make me the bad guy?"

Branleuse · 07/07/2021 21:46

Id tell them you have to isolate cos covid contact and have to unfortunately let them down, or that husband is not on board cos of covid risk

SixesAndEights · 07/07/2021 21:50

I absolutely cannot stand people who offer things they don't mean. It's so shallow and thoughtless.

Tell her the truth, she can stay till Friday but after that you've got guests staying. At least honour as much as you can of what you offered!

notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 21:50

[quote MrD20]@notanothertakeaway - I think you need to re-read my original message. I have stood by “a few days” and said we are happy to host for several nights. But not without a time limit - also this was a conversation in passing some time ago, with no follow up until today - and I had no knowledge of the dates of her tenancy end, so I wasn’t aware until she asked me this evening that it is so soon.[/quote]
Yes, having read your message again, I think it's fine to say you can offer Tuesday to Friday, and perhaps the following week, but not when you have other plans

Other pp seem to be encouraging you to bail out completely and j think YWBU to fo that

CuriousOrangee · 07/07/2021 21:55

@singlehun

I think you have to honour it really. That will have been in her mind as a solid option and it's unkind to remove it now. At the last minute.

But it won't be 3-4 days. It could end up being 6 weeks. Fuck that.

Branleuse · 07/07/2021 21:58

@notanothertakeaway

"My DH, without consulting me, invited a friend from his running club, and his DP (who DH has never met) to stay until they get keys for their new house. DH is now having second thoughts. He wants to blame me, and say that I refused. AIBU to be angry he wants to make me the bad guy?"
Id be fine with being the bad guy to someone i didnt know. I doubt theyd even think that. They know its a big ask. You dont have to honour anything. It was a throwaway people-pleasing comment. They shouldnt have asked. Now its awkward
onemorerose · 07/07/2021 22:00

They have no date for getting the keys, i would have to be apologetic alongside my firm no. You might feel obliged to house them for far longer than expected. If feeling generous I would let them stay until your family visited. Hopefully everything goes smoothly for them

sunlight81 · 07/07/2021 22:02

What's wrong with a Travelodge/premier in ? Cheap as chips and if it's only 3-5nights hardly an inconvenience

shivawn · 07/07/2021 22:04

What a nightmare. There's no way you can let them move in with no end date, these things get delayed all the time and God knows how long they will actually be there.

If someone had made your offer to me then I would have really appreciated the thought but would never have taken them up on it, living in an acquaintances spare bedroom for weeks on end sounds so awkward!

tallduckandhandsome · 07/07/2021 22:04

@SixesAndEights

I absolutely cannot stand people who offer things they don't mean. It's so shallow and thoughtless.

Tell her the truth, she can stay till Friday but after that you've got guests staying. At least honour as much as you can of what you offered!

The problem is once they’re in they won’t leave.
TheVamoosh · 07/07/2021 22:04

Honestly? I think you're a bit nuts to offer whatsherface from your running club and her boyfriend Joe Bloggs to stay in your house with all of their belongings. Surely a spare room isn't going to be enough space for two adults and 25-30 boxes in any case?

They're pretty weird too, for taking you up on this, I'll give you that.

mickeysminnie · 07/07/2021 22:04

Why not just say. We'd be happy to have you for a few nights but we also have family coming to stay that weekend so can only offer Mon-Fri.

Newestname001 · 07/07/2021 22:05

@MrD20

If you are having second thoughts, and your DP really isn't on board (both of which seem to be true) then for goodness sake stand up straight, take a deep breath, apologise that you'd been thoughtless in making this invitation without thinking through the implications. The sooner you tell your running mate (ie not close friend or family member) that your invitation is no longer possible the sooner they can work on an alternative, eg: Air BnB, budget hotel, other friends or family. They can store their stuff in professional storage for the interim.

You were kind to make the invitation but perhaps learn to grey rock through those awkward silences for the future so you don't get dragged into these situations again. Good luck! 🌹

TitsInAbsentia · 07/07/2021 22:07

I'd go for the "oh gosh really sorry, we can store some stuff for you but due to timing can't offer you a bed"

TheVamoosh · 07/07/2021 22:07

Have I missed something? Why is everyone glossing over the fact that these people must surely have a shitload of boxes and maybe even furniture and nowhere to put it??? Premier Inn indeed...