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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To retract/reduce offer of a spare room... AIBU?

108 replies

MrD20 · 07/07/2021 20:28

Hello all
In a bit of a predicament. Am expecting some pushback on this but I accept my mistake of being too forthcoming and not fully sincere in it!
A friend from my running club is currently in the process of completing on her new house & her tenancy is due to run out in her old house before completion (leaving her/her partner without a place to stay for what they anticipate to be a “short” but unclear period of time) she is relocating to London which is about 2 hours from here. Recently during a post run coffee within the group she mentioned this and how this was stressful and she was worried about being left short of a place to stay etc, at which point I said “Well if you need anything, a place to stay or store your stuff let me know”. Being totally honest, having never met her partner , and my partner having never met either of them - I wasn’t sure this would be followed through.

Today she has called me, stating that they now anticipate that they will not complete on their house in time, leaving them without somewhere to stay from next Tuesday. And “could they stay with us - they appreciate its asking a lot”. I said I would speak to my partner and get back to them. Having spoken to my partner - he is understandably a bit frustrated with me; but also not opposed to them staying, however due to the space we have, work, my partner is also not in great health and the fact we are due to have family come to stay next weekend also, we really don’t want this to be an extended thing. I think it could get awkward.
They anticipated they “should” get the keys by next weekend (but this is NOT confirmed; so there’s every chance it could go on for several weeks)
AIBU to say yes they can stay, but we are able to offer the spare room from Monday - Friday, and then from Friday night onwards they’ll need to find somewhere else to stay??

OP posts:
Ethelfromnumber73 · 07/07/2021 22:09

It's the sort of thing I'd do in the heat of the moment, I get it OP

I'd just say that you've thought it through a bit more and realised it's just not going to work- sorry. Nothing wrong with that, it is a big ask as she acknowledged

Beautiful3 · 07/07/2021 22:11

I would say that, "I'm really sorry but my husbands not well at the moment. So he isn't keen on having guests." If you knew that they were moving in at their new place on x date, that would be fine. But they don't have a set date, it's left open. They could potentially be stuck at yours indefinitely. That's a horrible scenario. Stuck playing hostess for months, having to tell them to sling their hook. Not great for you or your partner. Just say no and name it on hubby.

Beautiful3 · 07/07/2021 22:11

Also their sale could easily fall through. Leaving them stranded at yours.

Beautiful3 · 07/07/2021 22:12

Purchase sorry.

JSL52 · 07/07/2021 22:18

Be honest , why do people advise lying so much ??

ThatLibraryMiss · 07/07/2021 22:28

However they have been very unwise letting their tenancy expire before exchange.

Given that it seems to be normal to have 2 - 5 days between exchange and completion, and most rental contracts have a one month notice period, how's that supposed to work without leaving you paying for two places at the same time?

Twoforthree · 07/07/2021 22:30

Just blame dh. It’s the truth.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 07/07/2021 22:34

You really need to work on not doing this. I'd be really pissed off if I were your partner because you didn't run it by him first and now are using me to be the bad guy.

'Sorry, I didn't run it by DP. It can't work to have you stay with us.' That's all. There's nothing awkward about that.

Can't believe anyone would expect to stay at someone from running club's house due to a situation like this. It's CFery.

museumum · 07/07/2021 22:37

Just let them come Monday to thurs and say that you’ve family coming for the weekend from Friday do they need to find somewhere else then.

SixesAndEights · 07/07/2021 22:37

@mickeysminnie

Why not just say. We'd be happy to have you for a few nights but we also have family coming to stay that weekend so can only offer Mon-Fri.
Who knows? It is the truth, after all.
EL8888 · 07/07/2021 22:38

It’s a hell of an ask by them and increasingly seems open ended. You have kind of committed though, l would offer the few days until family come and then use that as an out

Sometimeswinning · 07/07/2021 22:42

Be honest , why do people advise lying so much ??

To save face? Let someone down gently? Cover a mistake/accident? A bit of lying is fine.

Kitchendilemmas · 07/07/2021 22:51

Tell her she can stay til Friday morning and that's all you can offer. I expect she'll find something else.

lanthanum · 07/07/2021 23:06

I'd offer until Friday, but be very clear that you have family coming then, so they'll have to look for another option from then. That gets you out of the open-ended bit. They may decide that it's easier to go to a hotel than move twice.

We were very grateful to people who put us up when we bought our first house - our flat was university-owned, so although they had been helpful and extended our tenancy, they needed it back for the start of the new academic year 3/4 days before we could get our house.

echt · 07/07/2021 23:10

Say: Sorry, but our circumstances have changed because of DH's health and family visiting.

It has the virtue of being true.

Sorted.

Candleabra · 07/07/2021 23:17

You need to be honest about this and rescind your offer, don't blame your husband. And learn not to blurt out things you don't really mean!

But....that said, you offered X, and they've accepted Y.
House guests for a couple of nights is completely different to an undetermined time period (weeks? months?)
I think it's a bit cheeky of them to "accept" your offer under the circumstances. Surely they know that's imposing hugely on acquaintances (it would be a big ask of close friends or family)

xprincessxjanetx · 07/07/2021 23:22

YANBU. Sometimes we say things in the spur of the moment to try and be helpful and it doesn't really cross our minds that the circumstance would arise. I would just be honest and say that at the time you didn't think it through properly and upon asking your DH you have come to the decision that it wouldn't be appropriate/possible and just apologise.

RitaFires · 07/07/2021 23:25

I don't whether to vote YANBU for wanting to back out of this ill advised open ended favour for someone you don't know well, or YABU for offering in the first place.

That's the kind of favour I would do for close friends or family and if there was any delays probably get annoyed at them clogging up my space. I think you're really asking a lot of partner expecting him to be ok with two complete strangers living in his house for an unspecified amount of time. It's an awkward conversation to have but I personally would back out, it's a major imposition and you just don't know them well enough.

Neuts346 · 07/07/2021 23:27

Why on earth did you make such a flippant promise?!?! It’s also weird of her to take you up on it.
I think you just need to bite the bullet and say, sorry you’ve made a mistake snd you can’t accommodate them now.

MaggieFS · 07/07/2021 23:31

It was kind of you to offer and you should honour that, but it doesn't have to be indefinite. Keep it simple:

Yes, of course you can stay on Tuesday but we have guests coming to stay from Friday, so I'm afraid you'll have to make other plans from then.

Penistoe · 07/07/2021 23:31

I wouldn’t go back on an offer, it makes you seem a bit weird. I totally understand the open ended thing, you need something to focus on if it’s awful.
I would go with your plan, we have family coming on x day.

cutebutscary · 07/07/2021 23:42

I find it weird that someone you don't know that well would take you up on it ( with god knows how many boxes of stuff ) you won't see her again ever so just tell the truth ! You're a grown woman " actually , I didn't think it through properly , I've had a chat with the hubby and he's not entirely comfortable with it and is not in great health at present so will have to retract the invite" honestly, don't fret over it , you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you do it, and even better for being honest !!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 07/07/2021 23:44

You don't really need an excuse; you offered "a few days" and since they don't even have a confirmed exchange date that's clearly not going to be enough, so I'd just tell them it's not going to work because they'll need longer than what you offered

If they try to push, ask exactly when exchange and completion is - they won't be able to tell you, which means you're justified in refusing

Their fault I'm afraid, for
a) Not having a Plan B
b) Hoping you'd accept a longer stay than you offered
c) Not even having the courtesy to keep you in the loop, but then springing this on you at the last minute

Notaroadrunner · 07/07/2021 23:53

Just say "unfortunately when I offered a room I thought there would only be a couple of days gap between exchange and moving. Given you now don't have a date for moving to your new house we won't be in a position to have you stay as we have visitors due at the weekend."

HyggeTygge · 08/07/2021 00:07

What kind of a person is she - practical, organised, aware that she should be sorting out storage NOW for a house/flat's worth of possessions? or a vaguey flakey type who likes to play it by ear and 'we'll wait and see' ?

If it's the first I'd be inclined to help out with a set end date and make sure they are planning for moving on that date (to wherever).

Can you be upfront and ask what options she is looking at right now and what her plan is (and backup plan!)?