To be pissed with my MIL?

[WTFMIL]

Name changed, but long time lurker...

I recently underwent some surgery, however, a week later I am back to what passes for normal, so asked that my husband dispatches the in-laws home as quite frankly, more than enough toes have been trodden in in this week alone (think making decisions about bedtime etc and my DC’s routine, not to mention criticising our use of a visual time table due to DC’s ADHD and ASD, then MIL getting offended at my reaction to the question “I’f you treated him normally, he would be a normal child”)

So, DC is at school, and I tell both ML & FIL that I have 2 back to back work meetings on teams and that I can’t be distributed, so maybe they’d like to stay in the lower part of the house (why they’d ever need to come up to the highest point in the house(loft room) where my office is is beyond me) and reiterated that the meetings are important and back to back so won’t be available for 3-4 hours.

Anywhoo, not 20 minutes into the meeting I hear “op, op” switch off my mic and cam and reiterate that I am in a meeting and that I can’t come away from it, turns out she wanted to tell me that FIL burnt his toast

So I go back into my meeting, and 10 minutes later “op op” so having given a fair warning and not up for snapping at her and having to miss another 5 minutes of my meeting, I ignore her,

But the shouts get louder “OP!”

She then suddenly bursts into my office, demanding that I come downstairs and “shouldn’t be working while they are there as I’m not being a good host” (WTF lady, I had surgery a week ago, shouldn’t be cooking/cleaning/ hosting your ass and only went to my meetings to escape you constantly talking at me about how “things were done differently in my day, and the old ways are best, ans we should take her advice as we are screwing up DC by having them labelled” (she’s 64 fgs, I’m pretty sure DH & I, 35 and 32 respectively) have a firm handle on being adults by now, having been married for around 8 years with a 5 year old DC

DH totally on board, has told his mother that she is under no circumstances to ever go near my office again and “if WTF ever speaks to you again, it’ll be a day too soon in my book”

But, given that I may be being sensitive, WIBU?

@Guavaf1sh

I was on your side till I saw what you said, That was needlessly over the top and shame on all those supporting your horrible reaction

You are not the only one.

Calling your MiL an 'ignorant cunt' and telling her repeatedly to fuck off is utterly unforgivable.

& THIS is your focus of the whole sorry tale, @ThinkAboutItTomorrow?
MiL believes DS is "not normal", said so, & blamed OP for it.

I doubt you'd respond pleasantly if someone said that about your child, & your parenting.

Not excusing her comments on the SEN they are horrible, but I don't see any coming back from calling her an ignorant cunt and I think you lost the moral high ground by doing it.

You're assuming other people attach the same value to "the moral high ground" as you do, @ThinkAboutItTomorrow.

Maybe you're more offended by an anglo-saxon swear word than you are by ableist discrimination, but people who disagree with that are certainly not morally inferior to you.

HTH

Yeah, I get that (really, I do) but the whole story was presented as though this was the reaction to the meeting interruptions, not a response to the comments about the DC. If it had been said when MIL described DC as not normal and she'd been asked to leave there and then id have understood but the OP had only asked her DP to ask them to go home once she was feeling better. It's pretty rude to let her say offensive stuff whilst you need her help and then a few days later once you don't need the help kick her out and call her an ignorant cunt after she interrupts a meeting.

two weeks ago the MIL was seen as ok enough to ask to help post op. Had she never said anything bad before (so why so bad all of a sudden) or was this a very bad idea because the relationship was already shaky? How did it go from 'can you come and help when I'm ill' to 'fuck off you ignorant cunt we never want to see you again'?

@StaffRepFeistyClub

It is unbelievable how some people in their late 50s/early 60s turn into these throwback monsters! How do they not understand time moves on, trends change, new ideas and knowledge come about?

There are plenty of people that age still working and understand that women work these days and it is isn’t ‘typing pool’ stuff

There is no excuse for ignorance. If they can’t sort out toast without burning it then they shouldn’t be left with children.

Well done @WTFMIL for getting rid of these dinosaurs!

Don't be daft. They didn't turn into throwback monsters, they were always monstrous. It's got fuck-all to do with aging, & everything to do with ignorance & entitlement.

You'll find there are plenty of people in their 20's & 30's whose opinions & behaviours are similar to the MiL's.
As you rightly observe, trends change, & new ideas emerge - but not universally, & disablist bigotry & parenting ignorance are still distressingly rife.

And the OP sounds more pissed off that MIL messed around with bedtime than the disablist comments.

@Guavaf1sh

I was on your side till I saw what you said, That was needlessly over the top and shame on all those supporting your horrible reaction

Illogical, Captain.

How do whatever words that came out of OP's mouth change the facts of MiL's previous outrageous, controlling & rude behaviour?

"Oh right I get it - it's ok for you to be a dick to & about my son, because later on, when I can't bear it any more, I'm going to swear at you"
????
Is that about the size of it?

It's great that your DH doesn't mind the end of the relationship with his parents. How cool is he? It's funny that he didn't speak to them about their misunderstanding of your DS's disability and that, but hey ho. Perhaps he agrees with you and thinks his mother is an ignorant cunt. Yes, that must be it.

Yeah, I get that (really, I do) but the whole story was presented as though this was the reaction to the meeting interruptions, not a response to the comments about the DC.
Really, you don't.
That's not how "the whole story" was presented, at all.

If it had been said when MIL described DC as not normal and she'd been asked to leave there and then id have understood but the OP had only asked her DP to ask them to go home once she was feeling better.
& you've never heard the phrase "straw that broke the camel's back"?

It's pretty rude to let her say offensive stuff whilst you need her help and then a few days later once you don't need the help kick her out
What help?
RTFT.
There WAS no help. Just more work for a post-op OP.

and call her an ignorant cunt after she interrupts a meeting

I'm only hanging around for an etiquette lesson on when it's ok to call someone an ignorant cunt.

@ThinkAboutItTomorrow

And the OP sounds more pissed off that MIL messed around with bedtime than the disablist comments.

So?

I think OP is a multi-tasker, so able to be pissed off about several things simultaneously. & MiL's wilful misunderstanding of the importance of routines, especially chilling down to bedtime, for a child & parent managing SEN issues, is disablist in itself.

@ChargingBuck

Yeah, I get that (really, I do) but the whole story was presented as though this was the reaction to the meeting interruptions, not a response to the comments about the DC. Really, you don't. That's not how "the whole story" was presented, at all.

If it had been said when MIL described DC as not normal and she'd been asked to leave there and then id have understood but the OP had only asked her DP to ask them to go home once she was feeling better.
& you've never heard the phrase "straw that broke the camel's back"?

It's pretty rude to let her say offensive stuff whilst you need her help and then a few days later once you don't need the help kick her out
What help?
RTFT.
There WAS no help. Just more work for a post-op OP.

and call her an ignorant cunt after she interrupts a meeting

I'm only hanging around for an etiquette lesson on when it's ok to call someone an ignorant cunt.

'There was no help' 'wilful disregard of routines'

Well either she was pitching in with the DC, doing bedtimes and helping with 'routine' stuff in order to mess it up OR she didn't help. Can't be both.

The etiquette lesson is that you act like a grown up and raise issues directly when they come up. Be firm and explain. If needed tell them to leave and go very cool on the relationship until they are ready to listen and engage. Don't bottle it up and then explode, calling someone who had been there to help a cunt.

As PP said, I'm surprised the DP is so fine with ending his relationship with his parents when previously the relationship was the sort that they would rely on them for help.

well your MiL will certainly have had a lesson in not pushing someone too far!

I couldn't believe my eyes when I read what you'd said, but a following poster asked a rather apposite question: which is worse, to call someone a cunt or to be a cunt?

At least your MiL won't be bothering you again, presumably!

'There was no help' 'wilful disregard of routines'

Well either she was pitching in with the DC, doing bedtimes and helping with 'routine' stuff in order to mess it up OR she didn't help. Can't be both.

Of course it can @ThinkAboutItTomorrow. "Help is only help when it's helpful".
& the helpfulness of someone who is unable to work out that interrupting a business meeting to inform the meeting-taker that somebody unrelated to the business has burned some toast is questionable at the very least ...
The word you were looking for is "sabotage". Because - amongst other things - MiL is a saboteur. There is only her way, where children must be "normal" & anything not deemed by her to be "normal", i.e. under her control, is seen as deviance.

The etiquette lesson is that you act like a grown up and raise issues directly when they come up. Be firm and explain. If needed tell them to leave and go very cool on the relationship until they are ready to listen and engage. Don't bottle it up and then explode, calling someone who had been there to help a cunt.
Well shucks - that's not the lesson I ordered.
I wanted to know when you can call someone an ignorant cunt.
Because you seem to be forgetting that OP has already tried firmness, explaining, & being a grown up - but MiL never listens or engages.

As PP said, I'm surprised the DP is so fine with ending his relationship with his parents when previously the relationship was the sort that they would rely on them for help.
It doesn't look like either OP or DH relied on them for help.
I suspect that's the polite fiction used by all concerned, because it's easier than spelling out "we don't look forward to your visits, because you always cause more work & ructions".

Still, OP's cleared that up for them now, job done!

Very weird behaviour for a 60 year older, from the generation who worked themselves. My friends would laugh at that.