To be pissed with my MIL?

[WTFMIL]

Name changed, but long time lurker...

I recently underwent some surgery, however, a week later I am back to what passes for normal, so asked that my husband dispatches the in-laws home as quite frankly, more than enough toes have been trodden in in this week alone (think making decisions about bedtime etc and my DC’s routine, not to mention criticising our use of a visual time table due to DC’s ADHD and ASD, then MIL getting offended at my reaction to the question “I’f you treated him normally, he would be a normal child”)

So, DC is at school, and I tell both ML & FIL that I have 2 back to back work meetings on teams and that I can’t be distributed, so maybe they’d like to stay in the lower part of the house (why they’d ever need to come up to the highest point in the house(loft room) where my office is is beyond me) and reiterated that the meetings are important and back to back so won’t be available for 3-4 hours.

Anywhoo, not 20 minutes into the meeting I hear “op, op” switch off my mic and cam and reiterate that I am in a meeting and that I can’t come away from it, turns out she wanted to tell me that FIL burnt his toast

So I go back into my meeting, and 10 minutes later “op op” so having given a fair warning and not up for snapping at her and having to miss another 5 minutes of my meeting, I ignore her,

But the shouts get louder “OP!”

She then suddenly bursts into my office, demanding that I come downstairs and “shouldn’t be working while they are there as I’m not being a good host” (WTF lady, I had surgery a week ago, shouldn’t be cooking/cleaning/ hosting your ass and only went to my meetings to escape you constantly talking at me about how “things were done differently in my day, and the old ways are best, ans we should take her advice as we are screwing up DC by having them labelled” (she’s 64 fgs, I’m pretty sure DH & I, 35 and 32 respectively) have a firm handle on being adults by now, having been married for around 8 years with a 5 year old DC

DH totally on board, has told his mother that she is under no circumstances to ever go near my office again and “if WTF ever speaks to you again, it’ll be a day too soon in my book”

But, given that I may be being sensitive, WIBU?

Not excusing her comments on the SEN they are horrible, but I don't see any coming back from calling her an ignorant cunt and I think you lost the moral high ground by doing it

I doubt the op gives a shit if there's no coming back from it as I'm sure she'll be pleased never to have to see her MIL again. As for losing the moral high ground (is that even a thing), who gives a fuck? I doubt op and her Dh will lose sleep over it.

@HollowTalk

It's not brilliant though to speak like that to anyone. It's one thing to think it but if anyone spoke to my mum like that I wouldn't want anything to do with them.

But is your mother an ignorant cunt?

Ooh I had something similar OP. Re my DS (who got diagnosed with autism at 18 months), I had:

"If you fed him home-cooked meals rather than ready-bought baby food, I think you would find he would be fine".

"If you spent more time interacting with him and less time on your laptop, he wouldn't have any communication difficulties". (I am a lawyer and was the sole breadwinner at the time - but he plenty of interaction with me, DH and his nanny)

And, when we got the diagnosis (having been told his autism was "very significant" and that he was likely mentally impaired) and I was crying, she shouted at me, "I don't know what you are upset about, it's not like he has cancer".

Some people are just not great human beings OP.

If my mil or mother spoke to me like that, I'd not want anything further to do with them. Particularly if they talked about my children with such ignorance and disrespect. So I guess, it could be win/win.

Did you really call your MIL a cunt and tell her to fuck off?

In essence YANBU, but it's not ok to talk to people like that.

You lost the moral high ground when you started swearing at a family member like that.

I think I'd be okay with losing the moral high ground, if they just fucked off.

Ok ok, I may have lost the moral high ground, however, it has been a week of digs, slights and as PP have pointed out, that is the straw that broke the horses back,

I’m not normally such a nasty person, but, I’m particularly looking forward to her never darkening my door ever again, as for DC, he won’t ever miss her, she doesn’t “get” him, and he says that she is horrible, (in part her own fault for calling his visual timetable a waste of time in front of him.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

This is why we need the Mumsnet Hit Squad - a network of MNers who will go to someone’s house and deal with their irritating in-laws/nasty neighbour/cheeky fucker friends for them.

I’m in. Access to many hungry dogs and in need of a new patio...

Jesus @WTFMIL I’m honestly amazed you didn’t lose it sooner!

It would be brilliant if she never bothered you again, sadly I doubt it will be the last you hear from her.

Your DC definitely does not need their toxic influence in their lives. If DH is on your side it suggests he knows how bad they can be.

I'd even disagree that you've lost the moral high ground. Calling someone a cunt is a much lesser offence than acting like one.

You did the right thing. I think the only bit where you were a tiny bit unreasonable was not calling her an ignorant c**t and telling her to eff of as soon as she made nasty comments about your DS. xx

I hope you're all okay now they've gone.

It is unbelievable how some people in their late 50s/early 60s turn into these throwback monsters! How do they not understand time moves on, trends change, new ideas and knowledge come about?

There are plenty of people that age still working and understand that women work these days and it is isn’t ‘typing pool’ stuff

There is no excuse for ignorance. If they can’t sort out toast without burning it then they shouldn’t be left with children.

Well done @WTFMIL for getting rid of these dinosaurs!

It's one thing to think it but if anyone spoke to my mum like that I wouldn't want anything to do with them

Surely that depends on your relationship with your mom though? The OPs DH sounded like he had enough of her shit too. It’s his child and his parenting she’s making comments on as well.

YANBU OP. If she doesn’t approve of you working I would assume she was sabotaging your meetings on purpose. Currently going through a referral for DD1 for ASD and both my mom and MIL are driving me insane with their comments of ‘she’s bright though’, ‘I’m worried we’re reading too much into her behaviours’, ‘it’s not going to help labelling her’ and my favourite ‘are you sure that’s autism though’. I mean, I only have a masters degree in SEND and have spent 10 years working with SEND students and her teachers and SENCo referred her, but of course mother, you know best. How you haven’t snapped sooner I don’t know.

My step dad spends a lot of time at my house since my mum died. I have had to ban him when I am working as he just cant really get his head around the fact that I am working if I am not at my office in another town. Because he doesnt use a computer her really doesnt understand that you can do everything you need to from home.

@WTFMIL

I believe what I said in the 5 minutes after that meeting was (and please forgive the language)

“Keep the fuck out of my fucking office you ignorant cunt. You have no right to demand my attention, I was not hosting you and I am only working to keep away from you! Get the fuck out of my house!!”

She range DH on the way home saying that “I tired to help OP, but she is so rude”

DH had the full story, I’d text him telling him I’m leaving unless his parents fuck off home that second.

Now I have quite a vile mouth, particularly when angry, but by fuck did I wince at that.

But, my fil has NEVER set foot in my personal space or criticised my dc/parenting.

I snorted at the idea of the moral high ground having any meaning for a woman who has had to tolerate that level of shit for a week!

OP, I'm guessing that you had tried a more polite approach first? Considering that you are recovering from surgery and had to go back to work in order to escape from them, I think you were very restrained to have stood it for so long.

“If you treated him normally, he would be a normal child”

As you are putting their bags in their car, let her know you are looking forward to reading her research on adhd and autism in a peer reviewed medical journal. and give her the doctors number for your son so she can advise him on her breakthrough in treatment for both those disorders. as for her bursting in your meeting, i would be putting their stuff in their car and locking them out of the house as soon as work was over. good luck. not an age thing. my inlaws much older and would never ever have done that.

Calling her a cunt didn't cover you in glory but she does sound like one. I would've booted her arse out over the comments about your child & parenting!

You called your mil an ignorant cunt?

Jesus.

@WTFMIL

I believe what I said in the 5 minutes after that meeting was (and please forgive the language)

“Keep the fuck out of my fucking office you ignorant cunt. You have no right to demand my attention, I was not hosting you and I am only working to keep away from you! Get the fuck out of my house!!”

She range DH on the way home saying that “I tired to help OP, but she is so rude”

DH had the full story, I’d text him telling him I’m leaving unless his parents fuck off home that second.

she sounds awful and you snapped. i imagine you are not the first person to do that. and wtf re criticising a visual board - I would not remember i had children, never mind the various activities/play dates etc if i hadnt had a board at the front door it would have been a disaster. yet managed to do a demanded professonal job and pass as 'normal'. - one DC with v bad ADHD, and probably me too. they have managed to move to large cities and stem courses at universities...despite the use of a visual board and prompts... she sounds not just nasty but deeply ignorant.

A mumsnet hit squad?? I have a large tarp and access to a caustic dip tank...

I think a few sweary words said in anger is nothing compared to the relentless criticism the OP has had to endure. Tbh I’m surprised you didn’t go tonto when she made the comments about your son. I hope you feel liberated and more relaxed without them breathing down your neck x

@BakedTattie

No, she unfortunately calls an ignorant cunt her MIL.

@mbosnz

I think I'd be okay with losing the moral high ground, if they just fucked off.

100% with @mbosnz on this one. You can't lose what wasn't being fought over to start with, and the OP wouldn't have served herself or her family - including her MIL tbh because you can't learn if you're not challenged - by trying to reason with someone so wholly determined not to listen or take any alternative viewpoint on board. Empassioned, articulate arguments are as much use on the wilfully ignorant as offering tango classes to a snail.

I was on your side till I saw what you said, That was needlessly over the top and shame on all those supporting your horrible reaction