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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cheating DH and new job

82 replies

Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 06:33

So dh has admitted to having sex with someone else which isn’t particularly surprising as he is an arse. I feel very numb, apparently just happened once but lots of sexting and can’t wait to do it again messages

I have told him to leave, my aibu is I’m due to start a new job which was excited about but it relies on him helping with childcare and at moment have part time job where I don’t need any childcare and will be here for kids. New job means I wouldn’t so much. New job more money but not very good holidays current job school holidays off

Would i be unreasonable to stay in my current job (which I do like but is easy and no career prospects) everyone knows I am leaving but would like me to stay. It would be letting down new job but not due have headspace to deal with new job and dh doing this and the impact on my family.

Aibu to turn new job down?

OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 07/07/2021 06:35

I'm so sorry OP but well done for being strong and getting him out. Is DH still willing to cover childcare? I assume you have no family who would help? Could you afford to pay for it, even if it would make you less ell off than in your current job?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/07/2021 06:37

You might have to turn the new job down. Its going to be stressful enough getting a divorce and dealing with the kids without starting a new job.
I had to leave my senior nursing role when I got divorced in order to get full custody of my son, I was gutted but I had no option.
After it all settled down there were other jobs.

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 06:37

You're not unreasonable to stay in a more convenient job until your circumstances are settled but I'm sorry he's such a huge arse and you're having to make the choice

Original poster
Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 06:50

Thanks for your replies. I have no family nearby and he says he will still help but his work has always taken priority. I was so looking forward to the new job but I have a lovely manager who is very good if need to collect kids early or anything and not sure new job will be. It’s more travel and longer hours so won’t be there for kids like I am now

So bloody annoyed that his stupid actions have led to me considering this after years of putting myself last. Angry I don’t know who to talk to, no one really knows what an arse he is and how unreasonable his behaviour has been over the years.

OP posts:
WaterBottle123 · 07/07/2021 06:53

Can you get wrap around childcare and use holiday clubs?

LadyLolaRuben · 07/07/2021 06:57

Your current employer sounds priceless and worth their weight in gold when it comes to childcare. Your circumstances have changed and there's nothing more stressful than dealing with problems at home and an employer being rigid. Other jobs will come along when the time is right. Dont leave it too long to tell new employer so they can recruit again

SquashMinusIsShit · 07/07/2021 06:58

Personally if I was going to be single I'd want the best paying job I could get. As @WaterBottle123 says, are there other childcare options? Child minder, holiday clubs etc?

Original poster
Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 07:01

Yes childcare is an option to pay for but once I’ve done that it leaves me with the same amount that I earn now. Maybe less as travel is more.

OP posts:
greyspottedgoose · 07/07/2021 07:04

Depending on your income currently you may be entitled to some benefits without your husband, I would look into that and see if it helps staying in your current job until your children are a little older. Don't stay with someone who has so little respect for you over a job, there will be other jobs, and somebody needs to put you first

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/07/2021 07:05

Make sure you can definitely stay in your existing job before you give up the new one though, just in case they have quietly recruited someone to take over from you.

maddening · 07/07/2021 07:07

But are.you factoring in maintenance and any benefits?

How old are the dc? I think once they are school age it is worth ensuring you have job prospects. If you are divorcing anyway can you not move so there is less travel?

Ponoka7 · 07/07/2021 07:09

He might be offering you childcare as a way to get back into the family home. Once it becomes clear that you aren't taking him back and he's chasing his next bit of stuff, you'll probably get dropped.

You need to be around for the children, there will be fallout from the split. It's best to stay were you are unfortunately.

Original poster
Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 07:09

No they haven’t recruited yet
Dc are school age but dh leaving will knock them for 6 plus not having me here just seems unfair to them

OP posts:
maddening · 07/07/2021 07:10

And it is not long until they are at high school anyway, I definitely think prospects are worth it. You have sacrificed prospects for the family so far, you no longer have dh financial backing.

Golden2021 · 07/07/2021 07:10

I'd go for the new job with the prospects. You're going to need it. How old are the dc?

Original poster
Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 07:11

Not had any benefits so will have to look at that. Yes I think he will say he will work from home one day as we agreed but then that means here as we are close to school so he will either then be here or will just decide not to. He is not the most reliable and have been let down many times

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 07/07/2021 07:12

If the new job has better prospects etc then I'd be tempted to still move and use childcare. Childcare doesn't last forever but a job with good money and prospects can set you up for life financially.

I wouldn't bother relying on your dh, if he's flaky already, and his vip job comes first, it'll only get worse when you divorce

Mollymalone123 · 07/07/2021 07:17

I think it would be better for yourself and your children to stay putI’m afraid you’re husband may not turn out to be so available for childcare in the future- other jobs will come along .With your husband leaving a lot of changes will happen and it won’t be easy for you or your children- I’m sorry you have to suffer because of your husband’s choices.

Disfordarkchocolate · 07/07/2021 07:24

I think you need to think long-term and take the job.

BoomChicka · 07/07/2021 07:36

I would take the "easier" route for yourself for now, term time only work is the absolute best you can get as a single parent. Covering 13 weeks school holidays with 5.6 weeks annual leave is literally impossible and an added stress you don't need just before the 6 week holidays!

Give it a year would be my advice.

pumpkinpie01 · 07/07/2021 07:39

I would stay where you are , where you know people that can support you that will prove invaluable. Sorry he is such a prat

BoomChicka · 07/07/2021 07:41

Plus, hopefully by next year the constant isolation for kids will be gone. Going into a brand new role, without the protection of 2 years employment, and juggling school holidays + isolation over winter (I don't believe it's going forever in August) will not allow you to put your best foot forward in a new role.

I should know - I took a much more difficult job offer on 23rd March 2020 🤦‍♀️

BootsScootsAndToots · 07/07/2021 07:41

I would say stay put for now. You and your DC are about to go through a huge change and you then not being there also for them would just be too much.

There will be other jobs and it doesn't need to be a long term wait.

RealBecca · 07/07/2021 07:43

I would be honest with your new job - divorcing, husband unreliable, youre concerned about letting them down or needing childcare at short notice- they may be as good or better than your current employer. And longer term prospects may be better.

But do whatever you need to to cope x

ZenNudist · 07/07/2021 07:48

I think you need the better job. Your dh will also need the better job. I would also delay him moving out before I delayed starting the new job. Job is most important. Childcare not just your problem. He is not "helping you out". You are facing an uncertain financial future. Start looking at after school and breakfast club. Your dh needs to split the costs.

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