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Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cheating DH and new job

82 replies

Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 06:33

So dh has admitted to having sex with someone else which isn’t particularly surprising as he is an arse. I feel very numb, apparently just happened once but lots of sexting and can’t wait to do it again messages

I have told him to leave, my aibu is I’m due to start a new job which was excited about but it relies on him helping with childcare and at moment have part time job where I don’t need any childcare and will be here for kids. New job means I wouldn’t so much. New job more money but not very good holidays current job school holidays off

Would i be unreasonable to stay in my current job (which I do like but is easy and no career prospects) everyone knows I am leaving but would like me to stay. It would be letting down new job but not due have headspace to deal with new job and dh doing this and the impact on my family.

Aibu to turn new job down?

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/07/2021 08:08

I also think you need to work out if you’d be entitled to benefits and look at childcare options.

The kids won’t always need childcare but you’ll always need money to feed them.

Well done for kicking him out.

Yellow85 · 07/07/2021 08:14

Tough one OP, what an awful situation to be in. Personally I would stay put, as you say your children are going to be going through a lot in the coming months and it sounds like you have an opportunity to be with them in current job.

I would however have an honest chat with new employer regarding future opportunities in the not so distant future.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2021 08:16

I'd stay where you are I'm afraid. This next year will be quite turbulent for your children and you need to see how your now ex-husband behaves with regard to childcare.

BobLemon · 07/07/2021 08:32

Your DH puts his dick in someone else, so you have to give up career progression? What chuffing madness is this???

You need to build up your independence, Dorito, and this new job will surely do that. Widening your world, building confidence and increasing earning potential. You owe it to your DCs!

If your DH is currently engaged with the idea of providing childcare, then lock it in quick, because he will certainly change his mind as soon as divorce proceedings start! It’s amazing how history can be re-written as soon as there’s some distance between you.

BobLemon · 07/07/2021 08:34

Also everything ZenNudist said.

notanothertakeaway · 07/07/2021 08:36

Is it likely that he would pay child support? If so, you may get more CS if you are earning less

Bluntness100 · 07/07/2021 08:37

Take the job op, you need income and independence and child care costs decrease over time. Your husband is responsible for the kids too, Don’t give it up to stay on a low income part time job. Really, really don’t. You’ve also your pension to think of. Don’t walk away from the job, it’s a huge mistake. Ginormous.

Original poster

Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 09:42

Working it out it will be same pay as here with the childcare and holiday clubs. I just don’t know if it’s worth going out of my comfort zone at the moment. Really wish I didn’t need to make this decision and quickly

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 07/07/2021 10:21

@Doritos80

If the income is the same but prospects are better I'd definitely take the job!

Lettuceforlunch · 07/07/2021 10:22

He’s still responsible for them 50% of the time, affair or not.

Eeiliethya · 07/07/2021 10:29

I would take the new job. It's going to be hard but think of the long game. The prospects are what you need and will be better for your family in the long run.

New job, new start. Your children will adapt and childcare costs aren't forever.

In 5 years, your earning potential could be much higher in new job whereas if you sit tight in current role it may stagnate.

I'm firmly in the camp of "opportunity knocks, it doesn't bang the door down".

Good luck OP, whatever you choose. I'm really sorry you're in this corner

SquashMinusIsShit · 07/07/2021 10:32

@Doritos80

What about your pension? Presumably the new job means you'll be building up more.

Polkadots2021 · 07/07/2021 10:32

OP you are amazing handling all this! I'd stay in your current job - the fact you have stability there, friends, they value you, that you are able to be with the kids on holidays, is amazing and I think it might be exactly what you need right now. Also for the kids handling you guys splitting up, might really value more time with you over the holidays, etc.

SquashMinusIsShit · 07/07/2021 10:33

In 5 years, your earning potential could be much higher in new job whereas if you sit tight in current role it may stagnate

This as well. How long will you have to wait for another opportunity to come along?

Hoppinggreen · 07/07/2021 10:39

It’s great for people to say why should you have to give up the job and that your H will have to step up but from the sounds of it you know he won’t
Really sorry OP but I think you have to stay put for now

twilightermummy · 07/07/2021 10:41

Honestly, he will become more unreliable once he has left. It’s unlikely he will do much to help. I’d keep your part time job. You’re going to have a lot of upheaval coming up.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 07/07/2021 10:42

Whatever you do, do it on the assumption that your h won't help you at all. While you absolutely should be able to count on him doing his share, the reality is that he probably won't, so only do what you can do without him.

Iggly · 07/07/2021 10:44

I would take the new job. You may have worries about the new job anyway and this is giving you a clear reason to turn it down. But it may lead to better options down the road.

SprayedWithDettol · 07/07/2021 10:45

I would go for the new job. You need to maximise your earnings and pension. Whilst wraparound care will take up ££ now, you won’t need it forever.

Essentialironingwater · 07/07/2021 10:48

I would go for the new job!

If the income is the same with childcare I'd still go for it. Build a new life for yourself. Meet new people. Discover new talents and capabilities.

Surely he will also have to pay maintenance which should help with childcare costs?

I'm sorry this happened to you. What a dick.

thatonehasalittlecar · 07/07/2021 10:51

Take the new job. You need to start making plans for a single future, and that means maximising your earning potential. The children are half his (I assume?) so it is half his responsibility to organise and pay for childcare.

Your current job may be safe and easy, but in a few months when the raw hurt has gone, you will kick yourself for not having gone for it and made a better life for yourself and your family.

ChristmasFluff · 07/07/2021 10:52

There's going to be enough going on for you at the moment without a new job on top. You are going through so much right now.

It's just a job. One job. There will be others. Taking the new job will also make you dependent on the ex for childcare, which he will doubtless back out of. Do not give him a chance to drop you in the shit at any point. Yes, it's not fair that you have to lose out, but it's also a given that a man who will cheat is a man who will have no qualms about betraying you in any other way too. Why do that to yourself?

I think the fact you are posting means you don't want to go ahead with this new job. Listen to that instinct.

sandraboss12345 · 07/07/2021 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/07/2021 11:05

I would not start the new job now. Give it year and then see what you can get. You and the children will have enough to deal with without the extra travel/less time stress added in. You have a good set up now with your current job, you like it, your colleagues are supportive, you have childcare covered. I would not leap into the unknown at this point.

Velvian · 07/07/2021 11:16

Stay where you are for now and see where you are in 6 months time. I agree that it is not fair, but your DC will need you and you need as much consistency as possible at the moment.

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