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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cheating DH and new job

82 replies

Doritos80 · 07/07/2021 06:33

So dh has admitted to having sex with someone else which isn’t particularly surprising as he is an arse. I feel very numb, apparently just happened once but lots of sexting and can’t wait to do it again messages

I have told him to leave, my aibu is I’m due to start a new job which was excited about but it relies on him helping with childcare and at moment have part time job where I don’t need any childcare and will be here for kids. New job means I wouldn’t so much. New job more money but not very good holidays current job school holidays off

Would i be unreasonable to stay in my current job (which I do like but is easy and no career prospects) everyone knows I am leaving but would like me to stay. It would be letting down new job but not due have headspace to deal with new job and dh doing this and the impact on my family.

Aibu to turn new job down?

OP posts:

Original poster

Doritos80 · 08/07/2021 17:01

Still not made a decision and time is running out. Tried to talk to my manager today but didn’t see her. I’m veering towards staying. I am still very numb but am sure us splitting up will hit soon and not sure I can face a new job not being my absolute best right now

OP posts:

Velvian · 09/07/2021 06:38

whatever you decide @Doritos80, be kind to yourself.

3luckystars · 09/07/2021 06:45

I would stay where you are and you can always look for a new job again in a year when things settle down.

Taking the new job would be very stressful now that you will be on your own. He will just let you down, and the new company don’t know how great you are yet. You will be constantly feeling on a knife edge with childcare and that stress is not good for you or the children. No extra money is worth stress.

The fantastic news is that 2 companies want to employ you so you must be a great worker.

I’m sorry your husband let you down. Stay put and let things stabilise on your own before moving jobs. The kids are getting older and things will look a lot different in a year or two.

All the very best and well done for landing a new job.

Febo24 · 09/07/2021 07:45

I found out about my DH about 4 days before my interview for a full time job in a promoted post. I nearly cancelled, but then I realised how much I was going to need it.

I got the job and whilst it's been a lot to adjust, it's been my saviour. It's kept my brain occupied, it's given me financial security and purpose while my private life is in free fall.

I co-parent, so is there a reason why your DH still won't fulfil his obligations?

Romanoff · 09/07/2021 07:49

I was in a similar position. I took the job. It was really difficult at first as exh is ridiculously unreliable. I had to make sure I was only depending on myself.

But that job, lead to another and then a third. 4 years down the line, I am completely financially independent. Exh barely sees the kids (their choice) but having the extra money means I don't need to hope he steps up or sticks to plans.

Febo24 · 09/07/2021 07:57

Just to add, I disclosed my circumstances to my new boss after a couple of months as I wanted to prove myself away from the context of this. She has been amazing and she is amazed and what I've been able to achieve in the circs. I feel very proud of myself, and that makes up for a lot of the self esteem issues I have away from work.

My kids are okay too. We've always used holiday clubs and after school clubs so that continues as normal, I still arrange it all even if we share childcare. I thought he was going to be rubbish, but he's stepped up.

A lot depends on the job too. I WFH for now but that will be changing, my boss allows some flex for school runs. But it is hugely demanding and operational so a lot of my work can't be done in the evenings. So homeschooling when in lockdown became nonexistent. But they were fed, warm and happy so I am okay with it.

HighlandCowbag · 09/07/2021 08:03

I think I'd probably stay in your current job for now, but as a compromise use the evenings and eow the kids are with your cheating dh to upskill yourself so when things are more settled, you are in a better position.

If you got the job once, you will get another. Especially with extra skills or qualifications.

Lalliella · 09/07/2021 08:15

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a lovely person and amazing mum to put your kids first in all this. Shame your arse of a husband wasn’t the same. I’d stay in your existing job, it sounds less stressful. You’ve proved how employable you are so I’m sure you’ll get an opportunity in the future.

PicaK · 09/07/2021 08:18

Take the job.
You might get benefits - I was surprised.
Youll get some council tax savings
Don't let him rob you of this.

Outbutnotoutout · 09/07/2021 08:19

What will you get if you divorce?

Can you go for 50/50 with the kids, he shouldn't get to just walk away with any consequences?

Paying out now for a better job, will help in the future, even if you get a little less now.

Saidtoomuch · 09/07/2021 08:32

BobLemon
Your DH puts his dick in someone else, so you have to give up career progression? What chuffing madness is this???
You need to build up your independence, Dorito, and this new job will surely do that. Widening your world, building confidence and increasing earning potential. You owe it to your DCs!
If your DH is currently engaged with the idea of providing childcare, then lock it in quick, because he will certainly change his mind as soon as divorce proceedings start! It’s amazing how history can be re-written as soon as there’s some distance between you.
This with knobs on. It isn't about what is fair, what is unfair, it doesn't even matter that after child care you will be bringing the same income home, what matters is that you are on a career path and putting yourself in a position where you can independently provide for your family. You talk about being in your comfort zone at your existing job which is lovely but won't get you anywhere, all of the sucessful single mums I know are the ones who blossomed after their break ups or divorces and saw it as an opportunity.
This is your opportunity, he was a dick anyway, the affair is the final straw and its time to put yourself first for the benefit of your children and future.

Drovememad · 09/07/2021 08:37

I think I'd stay put.

But to add, you sound amazing OP!

FunMcCool · 09/07/2021 08:56

Don’t let his cheating stop you from making a better life for yourself and your kids. Take the job!

HandlebarLadyTash · 09/07/2021 09:09

You need a pension & future he needs to step up.
If he does is a different matter.
He should not be allowed just to walk away without responsibility.

Mrstamborineman · 09/07/2021 09:09

Stay in job. Don’t be needing him. He is a selfish cuntychops.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 09/07/2021 09:24

Working it out it will be same pay as here with the childcare and holiday clubs.

And that is worth it, for now, because of the opportunities offered by the new job.

If you can deal with the organisation needed, for the new job, then go for it.
But rely on yourself, not on H who you know is unreliable.

MaryLennoxsScowl · 09/07/2021 09:28

What sector are you in and what are job prospects like? I work in the creative industries and there would be no other job in a couple of years for me - you grab the opportunity when it knocks or that’s that. But if you’re in a field with plenty of choice of jobs and posts you’d love come up regularly then that’s much less of a concern. I would take the job - it’ll take your mind off things at home and if your kids are already school age then even if the youngest is 5 then it’s only a few years now until you don’t have to pay for any child care and you might have been promoted in that time.

BobLemon · 09/07/2021 09:54

Never mind the next few weeks, what is the next 5 year plan??

What progression and earning potential does each job have? Can you estimate a bit of a path from each decision?

LannieDuck · 09/07/2021 11:10

Move and use childcare.

You're ready to move - this was a decision you made before you knew what he was doing, and it was a decision that was right for you.

Things are changing now anyway - you'll settle into a new routine quickly enough. May as well be somewhere new and exciting. You don't want to get a year down the line and resent him going off and starting a new life while you're still at the old job...

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 09/07/2021 11:14

i think deep down you know what you want.

WhenwillSleephappen · 09/07/2021 12:45

@Doritos80

If I was in your situation I would probably stay where you are. This would be the correct decision for me because I already feel unsettled / anxious when I change jobs so with the home situation on top I probably wouldn’t cope well. Take into account your personality / how you usually cope with change.

Also how you feel about your current job - do you look forward to going in? Or are you fed up of it? If you’re fed up then it would probably be time to move on.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

Bertramwilberforce · 09/07/2021 12:47

@Doritos80

Not had any benefits so will have to look at that. Yes I think he will say he will work from home one day as we agreed but then that means here as we are close to school so he will either then be here or will just decide not to. He is not the most reliable and have been let down many times

Then take him out of any equation. Imagine he is not here - puff he’s gone.

Now do you want the new job or not. But do not rely on him,

Blossomtoes · 09/07/2021 12:50

If it were me I’d stay put. The children of separating parents need as much stability as they can get. This would be the worst possible time to make a move that means more time away from them.

PerveenMistry · 09/07/2021 12:52

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think you need to think long-term and take the job.

Agree. You'll have to support yourself and save for emergencies/old age.

Serendipity79 · 09/07/2021 13:17

You need to remove him from the equation. You'd be amazed how many of my friends have split up from their partners, thought they'd help out because of all the reassurances and then they're gone in a cloud of smoke the minute a new GF or baby arrives on the scene and suddenly they don't feel obligated to do anything for their own children any more.

Stability is good, and your old job would give you that but a new role with better prospects could be the fresh start you need as well. I changed jobs post divorce. I'd worked hard for years to get a promotion which I got 8 weeks before I kicked the ex out. Had to give it up for a lower grade position but I've never been happier with my work life balance now almost three years later

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