DP says I don't make an effort

[bluehydrant]

I work 50 hours a week and just want to relax when I come home.

DP works part time from home. He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to, despite him knowing that I hate coming home to a messy house.

As a result, I clean and try to get all the laundry done on weekends. I dread it.

Yesterday he said that I don't make an effort in the relationship. I guess he means look-wise and because we haven't gone out for a while.

I don't necessarily disagree, however, I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

AIBU for being upset about it?

Sounds like he’s just creating more work and stress for you. I know everyone says ‘LTB’ quickly but you work a lot and have to tell hun what to do around the house as he’s lazy. Then he has the nerve to say you aren’t making an effort. What are you actually getting out of this relationship?

Tell him not hun*

YANBU because he should definitely be doing more cleaning, but it also sounds like a bit of a circle -- you would make more of an effort if he did more around the house, but maybe he would be happier to do more if he was happier in the relationship? Do you think he's genuinely unhappy or is he just making excuses for being lazy?

He should definitely clean more though!

What does he do at weekends and the other part time hours he doesn't work whilst you are killing yourself doing the chores and working full time?

Tell him to talk a long walk off a shirt precipice.

What effort does he make exactly? Not the pulling his weight by working similar hours across work/home. Not respecting you’ll be wiped out if you have to carry him on the housework. I can’t see why you’d bother, given his near total lack of effort based on comments here except for his social life and getting some?

He sounds like a lazy arse. How many hours does he work, and what does he do when he isn't working?

Don't guess what he means. Ask. The only way through this - however it goes - is by communicating.

Why are you being a martyr?!

YABU for putting up with someone so lazy and uncaring.

He’s the one not making an effort, for your shared home or for you.

I'd be starting to make efforts for someone else frankly. Why are you being the maid?

He sounds lazy... and bored... too much time on his hands while you're breaking a sweat. Why doesn't he make an effort and get a full-time job?

Yabu if you didn’t challenge him on this or say to him what you have wrote in here.

So divide the chores between you fairly and ask him to step up.

You're not his mum, he is an adult, so get adulting!!!!

What exactly is he adding to your life?

Seriously, imagine coming home to a clean and tidy house. Clean and tidy because you blitzed it for a couple of hours at the weekend, everything has and is in its place, and no one messed it up while you were working for 10 hours. You throw together a quick and easy dinner, have a relaxing bath by candlelight and listening to your favourite calming music. You settle down in front of the TV or with a book, nursing a glass of wine or a cuppa.

Bliss!

Tell him that you are not happy with how life is at the moment, and in order to feel better about life and yourself, that you have been thinking how things can improve.

Sit down with him, look at each of your working hours, then list all the chores and agree a fair split on who does what. If he works less hours, he needs to pick up more housework and then overall you will both be working equal hours.

Irrespective of the above though, it's not your job to sit around looking pretty for him.

Man code for: you don't fuck me enough and I expect you to do so even if you're totally knackered for doing your share and most of mine of the work. Very tedious.

Do you have children that he is looking after?

If not, he needs to do all the housework during the day as he is working part time and you are doing overtime.

Why do you run around trying to do everything at the weekend? I don’t mean to be harsh, but some of the stuff I read on Mumsnet makes me wonder if men are an endangered species with the lengths some people will go to for them.

He’s treating you like rubbish and you’re just allowing it, so for that I’d say you are being unreasonable.

@TheHoneyBadger

Man code for: you don't fuck me enough and I expect you to do so even if you're totally knackered for doing your share and most of mine of the work. Very tedious.

This.

If he left you would have less washing to do.

If you were dating even, you could choose when to do so and where to go.

Please don't spend every weekend dreading the washing.

What is he doing when he's not working? Because I'ms struggling to see how you'd have even a scintilla of interest in having sex with a man who works less than you and doesn't even start to pull his weight.

Get a cleaner.

Have a few weekends off.

Reassess your situation.

Does he make an effort?

A good friend of mine, who lived far away, had a man who used to say this to her. I was always confused because she was an attractive woman and broadly was the type who liked to look good, put together etc. Bt apparently he felt that she should make more of an effort at home when it was just them etc. I thought he was a complete prat.

And then DH and I met him and about 10 minutes in the two of us had to slip away to have a "WTAF" moment - he was massively overweight wearing a shapeless pair of shorts and a baggy, dirty t-shirt. Apparently he dressed like that all the time (and certainly, I never saw him look even slightly better in the 4 days they stayed with us).

Men who tell a woman to make an effort seem to disproportionately also be men who make zero effort themselves.

I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

Say this to him… or if you have already, what does he say in response?