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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP says I don't make an effort

89 replies

bluehydrant · 06/07/2021 13:47

I work 50 hours a week and just want to relax when I come home.

DP works part time from home. He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to, despite him knowing that I hate coming home to a messy house.

As a result, I clean and try to get all the laundry done on weekends. I dread it.

Yesterday he said that I don't make an effort in the relationship. I guess he means look-wise and because we haven't gone out for a while.

I don't necessarily disagree, however, I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

AIBU for being upset about it?

OP posts:
warmfluffytowels · 06/07/2021 14:28

What effort is he making?

tallduckandhandsome · 06/07/2021 14:30

He's a cunt isn't he

Gliblet · 06/07/2021 14:33

Have you actually laid it out in very small words for him?

Bluehydrant is tired. If someone else did some of the housework while bluehydrant is out at work then she might have the time and inclination to 'make an effort'. But that doesn't happen, does it?

If telling him flat out doesn't tend to work with him, asking questions and getting him to tell himself might (and if not, a good old 'fuck off' is definitely called for).

What might making an effort look like?
When/how often do you feel I should do that?
Who would do the (housework/laundry/donkey work) that I'm usually doing at that time?
What's going to keep me motivated to keep making so much effort?

TurquoiseDragon · 06/07/2021 14:35

Bluntly, what value is he adding to the relationship?

You're working far more hours as well as doing the bulk of the housework.

Believe me, I left my ex and life is far more relaxed, even with teens. (They're pretty good, though, and certainly do their fair share.)

KatherineJaneway · 06/07/2021 14:38

Why does he only work part time?

Howcanthisbe123 · 06/07/2021 14:39

Get a cleaner, then you can swan around the house looking glamorous and be taken on lavish dates... I see that as nothing but a win win situation.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 14:40

Ditch the bastard 🌸

Blippibloppi · 06/07/2021 14:42

I'd struggle to get the fanny gallops for a man who can't put a wash on.

PegasusReturns · 06/07/2021 14:46

What does he add to your life?

Northernparent68 · 06/07/2021 14:53

It depends, if he’s looking after children or not,the standard line on MN is the stay at home partner is there for child care not cleaning. It may also be a question of different standards re tidiness

Northernparent68 · 06/07/2021 14:56

It also depends on how your depression manifests itself, living with a depressive is exhausting and draining.

TheHoneyBadger · 06/07/2021 15:06

Ouch. Not as exhausting as living with an insensitive person who likes sticking the boot in on strangers imo.

JennyTractorRiderGo · 06/07/2021 15:41

He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to

You are not his mother, you should not have to tell him anything, he is a grown man, he knows laundry needs to be done and houses need cleaning. He is taking the piss. How many hours part time does he do? How much free time does he have until you get home every day? Why is he not providing dinner as he is home before you?

I agree, where is his effort?

Original poster
bluehydrant · 06/07/2021 18:25

@JennyTractorRiderGo

He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to

You are not his mother, you should not have to tell him anything, he is a grown man, he knows laundry needs to be done and houses need cleaning. He is taking the piss. How many hours part time does he do? How much free time does he have until you get home every day? Why is he not providing dinner as he is home before you?

I agree, where is his effort?

He's got about 7 hours of free time until I get home.

He'll usually have something in the oven for when I get home but that's about it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
bluehydrant · 06/07/2021 18:34

@Northernparent68

It also depends on how your depression manifests itself, living with a depressive is exhausting and draining.
I know, trust me. I grew up with a depressed parent.

I try not to let it show as he tends to get annoyed when I cry, but it's honestly difficult when I feel overwhelmed with how messy the house is and damp and mould problems.

OP posts:
Neuts346 · 06/07/2021 18:38

Tell him with tongue firmly in cheek, that yes you absolutely agree with him. Then get out a pad and pen and divide up absolutely all the tasks 75/25 in your favour and congratulate him on such a splendid idea that will allow you much more time to ‘make an effort’ from now on.

isthismad89 · 06/07/2021 18:38

Do you have children? Is he looking after them when you're not working?

If not I don't really understand why you're with him as the set up doesn't seem to make sense to me.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 06/07/2021 18:42

Neuts346

Tell him with tongue firmly in cheek, that yes you absolutely agree with him. Then get out a pad and pen and divide upabsolutely all the tasks75/25 in your favour and congratulate him on such a splendid idea that will allow you much more time to ‘make an effort’ from now on.*

^^^^
This!

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 18:50

Make him leave

Billybagpuss · 06/07/2021 18:55

What’s causing the damp and mould? Are you in rented or do you own.

Etinox · 06/07/2021 19:00

YOU. WORK. 50. HOURS
🤯

marblegarble1 · 06/07/2021 19:04

Only you know your private life and reasons, but I'm still wondering why are you busting your arse doing 50 hour weeks (which isnt healthy for anyone) and hes working PT? No wonder your mental health is struggling, you aren't getting any down time because you're either working, asleep or cleaning.

YANBU, he's being an arsehole who isn't doing anything to help the relationship because his lack of respect and care for you is showing. Why would you want to make an effort when you're not appreciated?

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 19:04

I don't have same opinion as most on this. You can't expect a relationship to survive if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort but that goes for both parties... but it's easier to do something yourself than convince another person so you should always try yourself first before putting pressure on other person.

You just gotta ask yourself first though do you even want this relationship to survive? If you do then you gotta make some changes. Free up your time to make some effort. See if you can get down to 40 hours at work. Lots of ways to reduce time spent cleaning or as others suggested get a cleaner (but you'll still likely have to keep place tidy yourselves).

You say your husband is a little messy but that's not what the convo was about. It was about taking care of yourself. Is your husband taking care of himself and making an effort?

bigbaggyeyes · 06/07/2021 19:09

He's taking the piss. He has an extra 7 hours but doesn't do anything to take the burden off you, but he expects you to make 'more effort' pft! I'd say HE needs to make more of an effort

kindaclassy · 06/07/2021 19:11

I don't have same opinion as most on this. You can't expect a relationship to survive if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort but that goes for both parties... but it's easier to do something yourself than convince another person so you should always try yourself first before putting pressure on other person.

a part-timer doing bugger all at home is not really being put under any pressure, is he...

He's clearly not making any effort!

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