DP says I don't make an effort

[bluehydrant]

I work 50 hours a week and just want to relax when I come home.

DP works part time from home. He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to, despite him knowing that I hate coming home to a messy house.

As a result, I clean and try to get all the laundry done on weekends. I dread it.

Yesterday he said that I don't make an effort in the relationship. I guess he means look-wise and because we haven't gone out for a while.

I don't necessarily disagree, however, I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

AIBU for being upset about it?

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?

Playing fast and loose with the definition of ‘successful relationship’ there.

But clearly you’re a ‘any man is better than no man’ devotee, so your opinion can be rightly ignored.

@SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?

Playing fast and loose with the definition of ‘successful relationship’ there.

But clearly you’re a ‘any man is better than no man’ devotee, so your opinion can be rightly ignored.

I couldn't say it better.

Is he contributing a full time wage, like you are? Or is he putting in very little financially with his p/t work from home?

Why isn't he doing the majority of the housework on top of p/t work? Let's face it, if you were a bloke working a 50 hour week with a wife who did a bit of p/t then most people would expect her to do the lion's share of the housework, laundry, cooking and cleaning.

He doesn't sound like he contributes much to the relationship. I'm not surprised you are depressed. He's enough to depress most women.

Well Op, you could make an effort - to pack his stuff and show him the door. As you say DP then presumably it will be straight forward to split from this lazy entitled Twat.

If you, however, for some weird reason want to try to keep this relationship going then you are going to have to explain very, very slowly and clearly to the fuckwit that the biggest turn-on for you is coming home to a clean house every day, with all the laundry and food shopping done and nothing for you to do at the weekend except relax. Maybe that will get through his thick skull.

What do you work as to work 50 hour weeks? Can you reduce your hours at all

Its not fair hes pt why isnt it more equal in all senses?

@RampantIvy

What kind of job requires you to work 50 hours a week? Can you scale back your hours? And why does your husband only work part time?

Plenty. Teaching, for one. Or if you get to a certain grade in public sector organisations then you will do these kind of hours. Sitting on your work laptop at home in the evenings, neverending workload as not enough money to resource departments properly. It's shit for a lot of people.

My DH works 60 hours most weeks, he's on his worktop right now while the football is on. I also work FT, but only a standard 35 hours. I resent having to do most of the household stuff simply because I work fewer hours but that's only because I AM working 35 hours. If I only worked part time our house would be much cleaner. Your DH has got no excuse not to do more unless he has some sort of disability. You need to tell him that you need to make a written list of chores and when they need doing if he's struggling as you're not prepared to have to do it all at weekends.

Or you could hand him a pinny and a duster, telling him "I totally agree. All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl. So I'm going to have a relax and have a pamper in the bath and do my nails while you do all the hoovering and ironing".

I do also like the suggestion above, to take the mickey out of him by dressing in a ballgown as you're cleaning the bathroom or something.

As I said to my DP , if you want more sex: do more housework. It’s that simple- there are only so many hours in the day and you need to prioritise. I would also recommend frozen ready meals - he soon took the hint and stop doing his laundry.

@Shelddd

Yes you have to be from the 1950s to eat well, exercise and take care of your physical appearance.. I'm so glad I'm in the 2020s where being morbidly obese is the cultural norm.

Thankfully OP is not from the 1950's ... and does not need to endure this misogynistic bollocks .. regardless of her BMI

@Shelddd

Cleaning is not relationship effort by the way, it's household effort. You gotta stop confusing the 2.

It’s a relationship effort when it is about respect and compromise, husband is showing neither here.

I think you should tell him that he’s not making enough effort. Perhaps print out the organised mum method for him. He could still have 6 hours free a day 🙄.

Personally I think he’s a waste of space and I wouldn’t be bothered about continuing with this. Only way this would be approaching ok is if he’s looking after a horde of small children.

Is this a reverse?

If you are working 50 hours away from home and he has 7 hours of freedom a day in the week (7x5=35 which is a full working week for many people!!) and by the sound of it, no children to take care of(?), he should not be "helping" you with cleaning or laundry - he should be 100% responsible for ALL of it during the week, with the exception of you picking up after yourself. Even if he has the world's highest standards (it doesn't sound like it...), that should still give him several hours of free time a day while you're out, plus more after you're home and at weekends. If there is anything that genuinely can't be done during the week, you may then deign to "help" him with it over the weekend, if he's lucky!

Out of interest, what are your respective contributions to the finances? Would you be the main contributor there too by any chance, as you are working so many more hours?

Oh and please, please make sure you have cast-iron contraception. Can you even imagine what it would be like bringing up kids with him?

(Better still, leave the lump of lard. I think you'd be surprised at how much less mess and washing there would be to do at the weekend, even if you had to do it all yourself, so you'd have loads more time to relax and/or deal with the bigger issues like sorting the damp, which would make you feel better I'm sure).