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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP says I don't make an effort

89 replies

bluehydrant · 06/07/2021 13:47

I work 50 hours a week and just want to relax when I come home.

DP works part time from home. He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to, despite him knowing that I hate coming home to a messy house.

As a result, I clean and try to get all the laundry done on weekends. I dread it.

Yesterday he said that I don't make an effort in the relationship. I guess he means look-wise and because we haven't gone out for a while.

I don't necessarily disagree, however, I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

AIBU for being upset about it?

OP posts:
Faevern · 06/07/2021 19:29

Have you told him he is the one making no effort, why do you work 50 hours, and some, and he works part time and none?

In that scenario I would expect my DH to do everything then our weekends would be free and I could relax when I came home. He is the one not making an effort, the dick.

QueenBee52 · 06/07/2021 19:32

@Shelddd

I don't have same opinion as most on this. You can't expect a relationship to survive if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort but that goes for both parties... but it's easier to do something yourself than convince another person so you should always try yourself first before putting pressure on other person.

You just gotta ask yourself first though do you even want this relationship to survive? If you do then you gotta make some changes. Free up your time to make some effort. See if you can get down to 40 hours at work. Lots of ways to reduce time spent cleaning or as others suggested get a cleaner (but you'll still likely have to keep place tidy yourselves).

You say your husband is a little messy but that's not what the convo was about. It was about taking care of yourself. Is your husband taking care of himself and making an effort?

I think the slob of a Husband has found the Thread 🙄

faithfulbird20 · 06/07/2021 19:35

Tell him well if you pulled your weight around here then maybe I'd have some time to pamper myself.

Faevern · 06/07/2021 19:38

@Shelddd

I don't have same opinion as most on this. You can't expect a relationship to survive if you don't take care of yourself and make an effort but that goes for both parties... but it's easier to do something yourself than convince another person so you should always try yourself first before putting pressure on other person.

You just gotta ask yourself first though do you even want this relationship to survive? If you do then you gotta make some changes. Free up your time to make some effort. See if you can get down to 40 hours at work. Lots of ways to reduce time spent cleaning or as others suggested get a cleaner (but you'll still likely have to keep place tidy yourselves).

You say your husband is a little messy but that's not what the convo was about. It was about taking care of yourself. Is your husband taking care of himself and making an effort?

Why does OP need to make changes and free up time for him when he has 7 hours a day and does fuck all?

Why reduce cleaning time or get a cleaner when he has 7 hours a day and does fuck all?

Of course her Husband is taking care of himself, spending 7 hours doing fuck all.

He’s making fuck all effort though so maybe he should try himself before putting pressure on other the other person?

AffableApple · 06/07/2021 19:41

@Blippibloppi

I'd struggle to get the fanny gallops for a man who can't put a wash on.
"Fanny gallops" 🤣
RedToothBrush · 06/07/2021 19:42

You are only good enough for looking pretty and 'wife work'.

Take the hint.

I'm willing to bet he's not gods gift 100% of the time either is he?

Helloandhelloagain · 06/07/2021 19:43

Make an effort...... for some one else 😂😅
Seriously though that’s not on of him
I’d either take the absolute mick and start donning a ball gown or point out some stuff else all will build is resentment

Dillydollydingdong · 06/07/2021 19:46

Why can't he do his own washing? You could also take turns with shopping, cooking and washing up. You'll have to be firm, OP.

mynameisbrian · 06/07/2021 19:48

i said YABU for putting up with this man. He is lazy, entitled and judgemental. I have no doubt your mental health would improve if you werent with him. Why should you spend every weekend cleaning. He is a lazy cocklodger

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 06/07/2021 19:50

I’d stop doing everything except my own washing.

See how he likes that.

TaraR2020 · 06/07/2021 19:50

Entitled man child. Ask him: where's his effort?

You deserve better Flowers

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 06/07/2021 19:51

I’d have kicked him out a long time ago, I’d not put up with a bf who only worked part time let alone did very little around the house.

Immaculatemisconception · 06/07/2021 20:00

@bluehydrant

I work 50 hours a week and just want to relax when I come home.

DP works part time from home. He only cleans and does laundry when I ask him to, despite him knowing that I hate coming home to a messy house.

As a result, I clean and try to get all the laundry done on weekends. I dread it.

Yesterday he said that I don't make an effort in the relationship. I guess he means look-wise and because we haven't gone out for a while.

I don't necessarily disagree, however, I'm dealing with depression, anxiety, working long hours and having to clean on weekends. Maybe if he helped out more, I'd want to take care of myself and be more fun.

AIBU for being upset about it?

Forget the word help for a start. The domestic tasks are not your responsibility and if he does anything, he’s not helping you. He should be doing much more than he is, so what effort is he putting in?
Shelddd · 06/07/2021 20:05

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?... Your choice.

You gotta make time to take care of yourself. I know it's not a popular thing to say but its the truth.

Now of course if OP wants the relationship to fail then of course continue on with status quo. I did qualify my post to say if you want the relationship to succeed.

Couchbettato · 06/07/2021 20:05

Fuck that noise.

He needs to get to Specsavers because he's fucking blind, OP.

He's purposefully choosing to not see everything you do, and is nitpicking at what you don't and he's doing it to wear your self confidence down, and your confidence that what you're doing is enough. It's definitely enough, and then some.

I'd bet without a doubt your mental health would improve significantly without him being a physical, emotional and financial drain in your life.

Can you tell I'm sick of men?

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 20:06

Cleaning is not relationship effort by the way, it's household effort. You gotta stop confusing the 2.

Couchbettato · 06/07/2021 20:07

@Shelddd

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?... Your choice.

You gotta make time to take care of yourself. I know it's not a popular thing to say but its the truth.

Now of course if OP wants the relationship to fail then of course continue on with status quo. I did qualify my post to say if you want the relationship to succeed.

To be honest I agree with Shelddd.

I would not want this relationship to succeed.

You can only choose your own actions. You can't change other people.

Life is too short to be with someone who puts everything on you.

Beancounter1 · 06/07/2021 20:13

Step back from thinking about what HE wants.
What do YOU want? How can you get it?
(hint - it is not possible to change someone else, you can only change yourself)

Immaculatemisconception · 06/07/2021 20:15

@Shelddd

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?... Your choice.

You gotta make time to take care of yourself. I know it's not a popular thing to say but its the truth.

Now of course if OP wants the relationship to fail then of course continue on with status quo. I did qualify my post to say if you want the relationship to succeed.

Are you from the fucking 1950s? 😂
Tal45 · 06/07/2021 20:16

Tell him he's the one who needs to make more effort as you're already working all the hours god sends and doing most of the work at home while he just works part time. Who the hell does he think he is!!??

Shelddd · 06/07/2021 20:33

Yes you have to be from the 1950s to eat well, exercise and take care of your physical appearance.. I'm so glad I'm in the 2020s where being morbidly obese is the cultural norm.

toocold54 · 06/07/2021 20:42

Do you have children?
If not the house should be spotless when you come home and if it’s just the two of you the cleaning should take no more than half an hour. So there’s literally no excuse.

Naunet · 06/07/2021 20:42

Do you want a successful relationship or do you want the moral high ground?... Your choice

You think a successful relationship is one where a woman runs around catering to every whim of an entitled, lazy pig?! That’s a hard pass from me then!

RampantIvy · 06/07/2021 20:42

What kind of job requires you to work 50 hours a week? Can you scale back your hours? And why does your husband only work part time?

SmackMyAssnCallMeJudy · 06/07/2021 20:43

Wow, I wonder why on earth you have depression and anxiety.

That’s a mystery.

Dump the sub-standard specimen, and I bet the depression and anxiety lift right out.