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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at DM over DS' Birthday?

103 replies

blaisealex · 05/07/2021 09:15

DS 3rd Birthday today. We decided in advance we would celebrate yesterday (Sunday), as DH and I both have to work his Birthday on the Monday.

As he's so young, he doesn't actually know what day is his Birthday is. So the plan was to tell him his Birthday was on the Sunday. We had a little family party. Great day. Then this morning I was speaking to DM on FaceTime and she started singing Happy Birthday and telling DS his Birthday was today.

I then took him to Nursery and he started crying and didn't want to go. Now, I feel like the shittest parent ever. And I can't help but feel it's DMs fault. She knew the plan. Today was supposed to just be a normal day, go to work, nursery, etc. And not mention his Birthday. In his mind it was yesterday. He normally has no problem going in to Nursery. But now he knows today is his Birthday and I've had to leave him at Nursery in tears.

AIBU to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Snoken · 05/07/2021 11:27

I agree that it's weird to lie to your child when it comes to this. Just say, it's your birthday on Monday, but we will have a party on Sunday because we have work/nursery on Monday. You can still do presents in bed, candle on your breakfast and cake after work/nursery on the actual birthday. It's actually a bonus to get a two-day celebration, rather than one.

Soubriquet · 05/07/2021 11:36

@blaisealex

Perhaps I went about it all wrong this year. Maybe next year I should do as advised and explain that his Birthday is on a Nursery day and he'll have lots of fun at Nursery and can take some cakes in to celebrate, etc. And at the weekend, either before or after, he can celebrate with Mum, Dad and family. Though, I still think it was wrong of DM to undermine our wishes and go against what we had asked. But next year, I'll do it differently so this can't happen again.
I’m glad you saw reason but I agree with you regarding your mum.

I wouldn’t say anything to her but yes she did undermine you and I would be cross about that too

SorrySoldOut · 05/07/2021 11:49

the bigger problem is he doesn't like nursery....you feel the guilt

he prefers home

Jangle33 · 05/07/2021 11:52

Why is your DH vetoing you having a day’s annual leave? I always took the day off for mine until they started school.

I think your DM has been v unreasonable.

Treehaus · 05/07/2021 11:55

Seems a bit weird to get annoyed with someone wishing him a happy birthday on his actual birthday Confused. Surely he would have enjoyed the party yesterday anyway, and unless you made a big deal of oh no you have nursery on your birthday (which most little ones love to be honest, I'd be surprised if they did nothing for birthdays) I doubt he'd have been arsed.

pigglepot · 05/07/2021 11:57

This is so strange. Toddlers cry for all sorts of reasons you've got no idea he was crying because he wanted to be at home on his birthday. I'm not even sure that's an emotional response toddlers are capable of forming in their mind.

I think just forget about it and move on. Not something to fall out with your mother about. It's a normal thing to say happy birthday to someone on their birthday.

Phrowzunn · 05/07/2021 12:05

What happened is a bit sad and could have been avoided by your DM keeping quiet, but do you see that it could also have been avoided by you telling your child from the get go? At 3 he is plenty old enough to understand that you have your birthday party on the nearest weekend day when family are all off work. It’s really, really weird that you lied to him instead of explaining the situation to him. You set him up for a fall. I’d assume he was crying not because he had to go to nursery on his birthday but because he’s just found out that it was his birthday and you hadn’t prepared him for the fact that he would go to nursery as usual on the actual day of his birthday. Your mum sounds really weird for doing what she did but tbh I think what you did was weirder.

Zari29 · 05/07/2021 12:10

Sorry but I think yabu. Even more surprised that you would think that your 3yo wouldn't know the actual date. I get why you lied but surely an explanation with the truth is better?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 05/07/2021 14:23

@Jangle33 I think DH has vetoed the DC having a day off school for birthdays

FortunesFave · 05/07/2021 14:26

Honestly. You're beyond precious. The normal thing to do is to just gloss over it. And have the party on Sunday...sing Happy Birthday etc....then on his actual Birthday just do a more muted celebration but still celebrate.

Balloons, a present that has been kept back...and talk of how nice to share his Birthday at nursery!

I've done it multiple times with mine. How long do you imagine you can get away with lying like that! It's weird!

pussycatlickinglollyices · 05/07/2021 14:29

YANBU
How many 3yo know what day it is, let alone if it's their birthday? Don't they have to be told?
Your mum has been a complete wazzock by telling him and caused him to be upset.
Bear for him and Wine for you later

DappledThings · 05/07/2021 14:30

Glad you've had a rethink about this for next year. I think it was really weird to lie to him in the first place. Don't blame your mum for thinking the same.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 05/07/2021 14:32

Is it really lying though? It's not like he can read the calendar at 3, so how would he know? He could be 3 last tuesday or next thursday - what difference will it make to him ?

DappledThings · 05/07/2021 14:34

He could be 3 last tuesday or next thursday - what difference will it make to him?
Exactly. So it was totally unnecessary to have to him a different day and just stored up trouble by expecting a whole host of other people to join in a pointless fabrication. If there hadn't been a pointless lie in the first place there wouldn't have been any upset.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/07/2021 14:35

Is it really lying though?

Well yes, its not the truth so what else is it if not a lie?

Summersnake · 05/07/2021 14:44

Nothing like causing a nice bit of confusion to your own child

1forAll74 · 05/07/2021 14:45

Just a small issue, that will be forgotten very soon, unless you keep talking about it.

Dixiechickonhols · 05/07/2021 14:48

Weird to lie. Kids aren’t daft. He’s crying because he’s confused. Birthday party Sunday, Monday you could still have nice breakfast, granny sings to him, stick badge on him off to nursery - tell Mrs x about your presents. They would sing and wear the birthday crown or whatever they do. Nice tea when get home. Celebrating a birthday at nursery or school is a big deal when they are little.

Daisy03 · 05/07/2021 14:49

Surely one of the best things is being centre of attention and getting sung happy birthday to at nursery.
Mines was always upset at a weekend birthday as it meant missing that.
Such a non issue

CraftyYankee · 05/07/2021 14:49

Not the real point here, but your mother FaceTimes you EVERY DAY and demands to see your son? Are you ok with that? Because it would drive me nuts.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2021 15:02

Yes, that’s the bigger issue here. Stop accepting the daily calls.
Yes, I think you caused a but if a problem here. You had good motives but maybe dudnt think it through that well.
But yes, your DM has deliberately undermined you. Not good.
My DF thought we were precious banning toy guns. Laughed his head off when the light sabres started appearing as presents. But he never undermined me by buying a toy gun when my DC were little.

Maray1967 · 05/07/2021 15:04

Apologies for the typos! A bit of a problem!
So your DM could have said to you that she thought you were misguided because…
But if you insisted, she should not have done what she did.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 05/07/2021 15:38

I can understand why you did what you did but I think your plan for next year is much better.

Re your mum, she was being unreasonable and I would have no hesitation in telling her that she caused her gs to be upset on his birthday. I would also knock the everyday FaceTime on the head.

RaginaFalangi · 05/07/2021 15:47

Your plan for next year is better.

Does she live far if she facetimes everyday? You need to nip that in the bud. That would drive me insane. My mil lives 300 miles away and doesn't facetime every day to talk to her dgc.

NakedAttraction · 05/07/2021 15:53

He wanted a Party on his Birthday with his Family

He’s three. Any strong feelings they have about a birthday at that age are so strongly influenced by those around them. A three year old doesn’t independently go I want a party on my birthday with my family.

It would have been much easier to make a big deal about how ace it is to have a birthday at nursery and share cake with your nursery friends. No fibbing necessary.