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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how to react

85 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 17:40

Found something on husbands phone last night - we were out for dinner and I used his phone for the scan and order service. Not sure how to deal with or how to speak to him about it. We’re stayed over in a hotel for a family celebration reason.

What I found is not illegal at all just really strange and very weird. I basically found messages he uploaded to a website asking to be a “financial slave” to these women and them asking him to transfer money into their accounts. Years ago I saw an email pop up on our shared computer along these lines and he told me it was just scam emails. The posts he’s made are very recent. How shall I tackle this? We’re driving back home now. He’s noticed I’m being quiet and moody. I feel sick about what I read. Has anyone heard of this before?

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 04/07/2021 17:43

Have you noticed money going missing? Any evidence that he's actually doing it?

FrankButchersDickieBow · 04/07/2021 17:45

Stop fannying about over it and confront him! Your husband is asking random women to take money from him. You have every right to bring it up!

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 17:48

We have separate bank accounts and his bank statements are all online like mine. We don’t get paper statements. I feel sick. In car now with him and feel like questioning him. I managed to get into the website and find his username. Just last month he was asking if anyone wants to meet him in the shopping centre where we live and “take advantage of him and use him for money”. Like WTF! I think I remember that day he had a “work event”

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 04/07/2021 17:48

Every right to bring it up, of course. But maybe more sensible to do some digging first, before he can hide anything/move money anywhere etc.?

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 17:58

I googled the username I found and have found it linked to a Twitter account with same type of posts. I can’t read all the posts as when I clicked on it it said account deleted but it’s still showing the posts under a google search. I wonder if I could get into the Twitter account even if it’s deleted.

OP posts:
tensmum1964 · 04/07/2021 17:58

That sounds awful for you OP. I've personally never heard of that one and don't quite understand what sort of thrill he would get from it however that is beside the point. You need to confront him asap as even if sex isn't involved he is being decietful and spending your family money on strange women.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 17:59

What kind of person would do this? What is he possibly getting from doing this

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 18:01

I don’t think I want to dig around anymore. I need to say something. Kids in car too but they very young to understand. What a bloody weirdo.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2021 18:06

Here's a good definition...

"Financial domination is a BDSM term that is often shortened to “findom” and it essentially refers to the fetish of being a financial slave. According to Kinkly, it’s most commonly seen between a willing male submissive and a female Domme or dominatrix."

Is there an exchange of services or is it really just “free money” for the findomme?

"One of the most common thoughts when it comes to financial domination is that the Dom/me is getting money essentially for free. Is this the case? Sometimes, but not always. Financial domination can be in exchange for things (demeaning comments, explicit photos or texting, any form of sexual attention, etc) or it can be a simple a way of submission without getting any material thing in return."

Your husband is just gross. How dare he give money away to these women. It would be over for me.

Notimeforaname · 04/07/2021 18:07

Hold it til you're home perhaps and not on the road with kids?
I feel awful for you op.
I know this is a thing.
Men get off on young women spending their money ,dominating them, even calling them names Confused it's a weird kink Hmm but aside from that he lies,is spending family money ..and is just fuking weird!! Definitely bring it up when you're calmer at home. Read more about it online now if you need to... to keep you busy

Royalbloo · 04/07/2021 18:10

It's a weird one it's a form of "financial porn" where powerful men give over control to strangers who take their cash from them?!!! Can't remember what it's called but we are odd fish. I would ask wtf he's doing this and listen lots and talk not a lot and see what he says x

Royalbloo · 04/07/2021 18:10

That's it - Findomme...

Caselgarcia · 04/07/2021 18:13

Wait until you get home and ask him he'd like to take you to the local shopping centre so you can take advantage of him for his money.

Notimeforaname · 04/07/2021 18:14

Although I would be dumping him immediately if it were me. I couldn't touch him again.

NickyOy · 04/07/2021 18:15

I saw a documentary on this once, its called rinsing. The girl on there took pictures of stuff she liked in shops and sent out a message to all the men on her list asking if any of them wanted to buy them for her. Very weird bit some men must like it. Another one video chatted men and basically sagged them off calling them weak and pathetic and they sent her money in return. Whatever floats your boat I suppose but definitely out of order for a married man. Confront him.

BlueSuffragette · 04/07/2021 18:18

Sorry OP. It must be one hell of a shock. Try and screen shot what you can and wait until you are home to ask him wtf he is doing. I'd email it to myself incase he asks to see the screen shots on your phone and tries to delete them. I think if the trust is gone, then I think I'd have to call it a day. Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes xx

WantingToWonder · 04/07/2021 18:28

What a massive shock for you !

I had a fair of men on dating sites asking if they could be my 'pay pig'. I had to look up what it meant !

It's usually not sexual. The men just get off on being used for money.

Really sorry OP. Flowers

mancarose · 04/07/2021 18:29

Sounds like he is in some sugar daddy/baby relationships, although there's no physical contact involved it seems they are always sexually driven, in my eyes he is being completely unfaithful, but at the end of the day this is your relationship, take your time thinking about whether you can forgive and move forward or separate, ATB ❤️

3scape · 04/07/2021 18:30

The most base form of needing to feel appreciated for cold hard cash. Grim

3scape · 04/07/2021 18:31

It sounds like the least likely to be actually a shift of power dynamic. More like a power trip.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 18:32

It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not sexual at all. He’s also very tight with money. I’ve had to go to work early with kids abs not have a long maternity. He questions me all the time about things I’ve bought off Amazon. I feel so angry he’s been throwing money at these women for God knows how many years. One of the sites just have word FINDOM on it. I really need to screenshot everything. I feel totally disgusted by him. I feel angry that I married such a low life.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 04/07/2021 18:51

Empty the bank account. Cancel the cards

Aquamarine1029 · 04/07/2021 19:27

It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not sexual at all. He’s also very tight with money.

Clearly, you don't know him at all, and that's not your fault. He's a pathetic, sexual deviant, with no regard for you. He is absolutely cheating and I couldn't even share a bed with him, never mind stay married.

Thymeout · 04/07/2021 20:09

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 04/07/2021 20:15

Massive eye roll
Hmm