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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not sure how to react

85 replies

Changednameforthis12 · 04/07/2021 17:40

Found something on husbands phone last night - we were out for dinner and I used his phone for the scan and order service. Not sure how to deal with or how to speak to him about it. We’re stayed over in a hotel for a family celebration reason.

What I found is not illegal at all just really strange and very weird. I basically found messages he uploaded to a website asking to be a “financial slave” to these women and them asking him to transfer money into their accounts. Years ago I saw an email pop up on our shared computer along these lines and he told me it was just scam emails. The posts he’s made are very recent. How shall I tackle this? We’re driving back home now. He’s noticed I’m being quiet and moody. I feel sick about what I read. Has anyone heard of this before?

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 05/07/2021 18:47

He's gas lighting you now..

what a twisted fucker

DrManhattan · 05/07/2021 18:49

@QueenBee52
Totally agree. He's trying to minimise the whole thing. I'd get rid. OP He's having a pop at you for shopping online and he's up to all sorts. No ta.

toocold54 · 05/07/2021 19:19

It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not sexual at all. He’s also very tight with money.

A lot of the time when people lead double lives they are the opposite of what they portray to the majority of people. Similar to people dealing with gender issues they portray that they are really masculine/feminine to the outside world so people don’t catch on.

I feel so sorry for you OP. I’m just shocked this kind of thing exists and who would find it attractive. Surely he must be getting something in return?!

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 11/07/2021 18:21

It’s been a weird week or so since I found out his secret. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking abs I don’t obviously want to be with him. I just don’t know how to go about things. I just ordered myself a blender (it’s a big deal as he doesn’t “let” me spend uncessary money on myself). I just really dislike him. I wish his family knew what a total pathetic loser he is.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 11/07/2021 21:46

Keep ordering big treats for yourself and the kids ... start living and make your own happiness and take it from there 🌸

tensmum1964 · 11/07/2021 22:09

You are either in shock or pretty amazing to be keeping your cool. I would be telling his family exactly what he is or at least be telling him that this was my intention. You don't owe him a thing OP and certainly are not obligated to keep his dirty little secrets for him. I really feel for you having to go through this, its just so unfair.

Hlgwsbytktu · 13/07/2021 18:01

Regardless of why he is doing this, you would be crazy to stay with this person. He is using the family money and giving it to other women!!! The level of disrespect to you and your children is huge.
I am a little confused as to why you haven't thrown him out. I could never forgive this I'm afraid.

Rainbowsew · 13/07/2021 18:11

Omg! I couldn't get over him spending money on them, in a way it's worse than regular prostitution Confused. At least he'd get an exchange of services.

Financially spoiling them whilst being tight with his own wife and kids is utterly utterly disgusting Sad

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:13

It’s been a while since I posted this. I tried to get past it and just settled back into family life. Tuesday he texted me back he will be he 7:00. 9pm still not home so I texted him abs no reply. Took kids to bed and fell asleep myself. 12:30am he comes screaming into room asking for money for taxi. I’ve tried to remain calm all week and today I tried to talk to him abs he just went crazy and making me feel I’m the one with the problem. He could have just texted he would be late snd then he should have been responsible snd had enough money to get home!

He makes me feel I’m the crazy one. I have no one to talk to. I feel lonely snd I feel lost. I don’t want this but I am biding my time. I hate him. He also has erectile dysfunction which he never wants to talk about. I married him at age 26 and he has wrecked all my previous years. We had ivf to conceive my babies and I feel so angry at him. I really wish I could talk to someone. I wish there was a time machine and I never married him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:14

Sorry for typos and if not making sense. I’ve put kids to sleep n had a gin n tonic! Or two.

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 12/08/2021 21:24

Oh love I’m so sorry. I think you need to demand to have a conversation with him and tell him that you’re unsure that you want to be in this marriage any more. If he keeps trying to tell you he has no idea what you’re talking about you absolutely stand your ground and say you know what you saw.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:31

Thank you @user1473878824. I showed him screenshots of all the messages I found. He denies everything even when proof is there. He then said he’s spent no more than £200 which I also know is a lie as messages were going back from years. But then in next breath he says it’s not him!

We’re Asians and divorce in our culture looks bad for the woman. He will get away from any negativity but I will be called all names. I felt like sending screenshots to his dad but I stopped myself, no doubt they will never believe a word against their previous son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:31

*precious not previous

OP posts:
Horst · 12/08/2021 21:35

I mean since he likes to be financially dominated could you make a deal? You will be his beard but for X of his salary per month separate bedrooms and he doesn’t get to question what you spend the money on.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:38

@Horst we already sleep separately. In past I’m ashamed I’ve cried and told him I want him to sleep next to me like normal couples abs there’s been no response. I’m starting to get my dignity back and not show him it hurts me.

To be honest I spent a good part of marriage wondering if he’s gay but all the messages I found were to women! I’m so confused.

OP posts:
Tsubasa1 · 12/08/2021 21:47

Oh dear OP, I think staying with this man will ruin you emotionally. It sounds like there is no love there. He does not respect you. Zero respect actually. Flowers He's been a liar and a cheat. Say goodbye.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:56

@Tsubasa1 I have no where to go. Family will disown me. Yes I would tell my own daughter to leave but she would have me and I wouldn’t have the old generation mentality of divorce being a sin.

In reality I know I will be disowned and worse off definitely abs my kids will be outcasts. For my kids sake at least I must stay in this marriage.

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:59

I know I’m being childish and it’s probably the gin but I’ve just sent him every single message I found. Some are horrific like the women making fun of him abs him telling others he’s made a “deposit” to so abs so but they are a fake.

I know he’s read them as 2 ticks next to pics. Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 21:59

Sorry and keeps going to abs no idea why autocorrect keeps doing that

OP posts:
Horst · 12/08/2021 22:01

[quote Changednameforthis12]@Horst we already sleep separately. In past I’m ashamed I’ve cried and told him I want him to sleep next to me like normal couples abs there’s been no response. I’m starting to get my dignity back and not show him it hurts me.

To be honest I spent a good part of marriage wondering if he’s gay but all the messages I found were to women! I’m so confused.[/quote]
He would still pick women if it doesn’t involve sex anyway. For him it’s likely wrapped up in his ED. He can’t cheat because it doesn’t work, he can’t be gay because that’s bad culturally so he gets degraded by women spending his money whilst keeping you on a shoe string.

I think since you need to stay with him for your own reasons your best bet is to basically get what you can to preserve your name and to be happy. If the marriage is pretty much in name only anyway by the sounds of it. Time to be the women getting his money to continue to play house.

tensmum1964 · 12/08/2021 22:04

This is so terrible for you. I'm sorry If I sound naive but even with what he has done would you be disowned? If your family and his family saw what he had been up.to and how depraved he is, would they not support you to divorce him?

Tsubasa1 · 12/08/2021 22:08

Do you live in the UK? When you say you're Asian, do you mean you are muslim, right? I'm a muslim, where I live divorce is not seen as a sin. You have more than a fair reason to get a divorce right now. I understand that divorce can still be taboo, is there no way you could move to a less conservstive area once you separate? Do you really want your kids to grow up with the mentality that divorce is a sin? That it's okay for a woman to be treated like s*? To be honest it doesn't feel like your husband cares anyway, he must be thinking "well, she can't divorce me anyway so I don't need to give her an explanation". Could you demand to see a therapist with him? Maybe to start conversations.

Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 22:10

@tensmum1964 yes even then. The culture is awful. Men can do no wrong. It’s always the women’s fault. I wish I could write more here of things I’ve seen, experienced and heard of but it would be outing.

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Original poster
Changednameforthis12 · 12/08/2021 22:12

@Tsubasa1 yes we live in Uk. No not Muslim. I’m of Indian heritage. Don’t want to say exact religion but I’m sure people can guess already.

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Eekay · 12/08/2021 22:16

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/women-from-bme-communities/
I wonder if these people might be able to help you @Changednameforthis12
They understand the family/community pressure to not leave the marriage.
There's also
saheli.org.uk/
And of course
southallblacksisters.org.uk/ who I had experience with many moons ago and were wonderful women.
I definitely think you should try to speak to someone who understands that it's really difficult for you to "just leave" and may be able to support you in doing so, if that's what you want but are too afraid of repercussions. Good luck.
He's a bastard.