Not sure how to react

[Changednameforthis12]

Found something on husbands phone last night - we were out for dinner and I used his phone for the scan and order service. Not sure how to deal with or how to speak to him about it. We’re stayed over in a hotel for a family celebration reason.

What I found is not illegal at all just really strange and very weird. I basically found messages he uploaded to a website asking to be a “financial slave” to these women and them asking him to transfer money into their accounts. Years ago I saw an email pop up on our shared computer along these lines and he told me it was just scam emails. The posts he’s made are very recent. How shall I tackle this? We’re driving back home now. He’s noticed I’m being quiet and moody. I feel sick about what I read. Has anyone heard of this before?

Its not uncommon actually - kind of related to the BDSM thing, but instead of sexual domination it is financial. Same kind of kink. Often attracts people who want some relief from being in control and in charge of stuff. If he is not doing sexual things, and not taking from joint funds, could you treat it as a hobby he spends money on? Fetishes come about for many reasons but it does not make him disgusting or a deviant.

[quote Changednameforthis12]@tensmum1964 yes even then. The culture is awful. Men can do no wrong. It’s always the women’s fault. I wish I could write more here of things I’ve seen, experienced and heard of but it would be outing.[/quote]
I am so sorry to hear that. Are you able to access any support (secretly) from an Asian womens support group. Maybe just being able to talk to someone in confidence from your own culture would help.you to start thinking things through and deciding what your possible options are.

@Changednameforthis12 my “dh” treats me appallingly and is incredibly defensive and will lie even when evidence is staring him in the face. My parents know he is abusive but apparently I’m just meant to try harder because all marriages take work and effort from both parties. As a mum myself, I can’t even begin to imagine not supporting all my dc if they found themselves in a dv relationship or even an unhappy marriage. Culturally, I’m also expected to comply with the “until death do us part”. Makes me think of a time when one of my parents had heard a rumour through their church that I was having sex with my long term partner! How dare I bring shame on the family. @Changednameforthis12 it’s so isolating when the very people who should have your back don’t ,isn’t it?
Have you given any further though about what you might like to do? I thought about staying in the marriage until my youngest tuned 18, but I can’t even begin to think about spending the next year with him let alone over a decade.

@Dontwatchfootball but OP has said they don't have joint funds because he wants to keep her in the dark about his spending, meanwhile he won't allow her to buy things for herself and she's even had to go back to work early from mat leave as he won't support her financially.
It's not a hobby. He is financially and emotionally abusing his wife.
He prioritises his fetish over his wife's happiness and financial well being. Why the fuck should she treat it like a harmless pastime when it certainly is not.

Thank you so much everyone for the support you giving me. Thank you all so much

@Eekay I will contact the links you’ve put up, I’ve never actually heard of them before so that’s really helpful

@Everydayisawindingroad I’m so sorry you going through this. People have put some links up please contact them too. Yes it definitely hurts parents don’t support us. I hope things get better for us. Please feel feee to message me. I also have a plan to leave when my daughter is around 18 and nature enough to understand. I need to get a plan into action and I think you should too: start a savings account and put money in every month. Goodluck x

Yes, @Eekay you are right - I thought I had read everything but then did the thing where you get all the OPs posts and revised my opinion. I still stand by what I said about financial domination not necessarily being a problem in itself. But taken with his other behaviours, he is clearly being really abusive.

*mature enough

I’m sorry I keep posting but I just can’t sleep abs have no one to talk to. I just been reading more messages he wrote.

I found an add on gumtree he was offering free designer handbag and shoes and when women replied he sent really disgusting messages to them about what they need to do to get the items. I feel really sick. I keep screenshotting it all incase he deletes. I don’t think he knows I can get into that account. Idiot has same password for sll accounts he’s using!

Please don't stay with him for sake of family and honour and shit, I am asian like you and get it but leaving my ex was the best thing I did. And you know what so what if the community ostracises you, fuck them, they won't come to your aid, psy your bills, help you. It will be tough and your mental health will pay for it but you can slowly build your own community of friends and support. Whatever the cost of leaving this prick will be it will be nothing compared to staying with him and wasting your previous life. Ps took me years but I have a fantastic group of friends and support now, couldn't give a fuck about about being ostracised... (on what exactly.... Visiting their shit functions, behaving constantly as though I am judged, false care by stuffing samosas down my gob and stabbing me in back.....fuck that.) you have a daughter now and you need to teach her enough is enough with all this putting up bullshit. Please contact one of the help orgs a poster has flagged earlier in thread. Theirs a whole community of Asian women out there who will empathise because they have escaked some similar shit, go find them and first step to that is make the decision to contact one of those orgs and just speak to them x

OP - he's only been tight with you so he can throw money at his findommes. That's probably why he has a separate bank account from you too, even though you've got children.

Screenshot everything as PPs say, or as much as you can. Confront him away from the kids and consider what your plan is