Not sure how to react

[Changednameforthis12]

Found something on husbands phone last night - we were out for dinner and I used his phone for the scan and order service. Not sure how to deal with or how to speak to him about it. We’re stayed over in a hotel for a family celebration reason.

What I found is not illegal at all just really strange and very weird. I basically found messages he uploaded to a website asking to be a “financial slave” to these women and them asking him to transfer money into their accounts. Years ago I saw an email pop up on our shared computer along these lines and he told me it was just scam emails. The posts he’s made are very recent. How shall I tackle this? We’re driving back home now. He’s noticed I’m being quiet and moody. I feel sick about what I read. Has anyone heard of this before?

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

Oh go away

He is definitely cheating on you

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

Are you taking the piss?

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. I don't have much advice. Are you having any financial problems? How long do you think it's been going on for? Do you want to get past this? Or is it a deal breaker for you

I presume it was his decision to keep your finances separate? You have indeed married a low life, especially when you describe his financial abuse tendencies towards you. He can have his secret money slave fetish but you are not allowed to spend a penny on yourself without interrogation? I wonder if how he treats you financially is also part of his fetish...??

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

Oh fuck off with all of this nonsense. It is cheating and his spending and inappropriate relationships with other women is very much his wife's business.

Is there anyone you can speak to and confide in, in real life?

This must be so awful for you. You need to get a plan together and stay strong xxxx
Take care

@Thymeout

It is her business when she has to go back to work early after having kids to support the family

I would screenshot everything if you can, including the Twitter stuff. Then gets ducks in a row then challenge him, show him everything

Personally I couldn’t stay, but you have young kids so may want to, but you need to make it clear to him about how unacceptable his behaviour is, and he needs to be seeking help

Screenshot everything you can, get your ducks in a row first, then confront him

I mean I once had a guy online asking me to send him some of my 'filthy shoes' for him to clean and he would pay the p&p and transfer money into my account for each pair and send them back. I thought there was going to be a massive catch, but he did exactly what he said. People are in to all sorts of weird shit.

I also had a male friend who would meet with a politician once a month and the politician would buy him expensive lunches, take him shopping, send him expensive gifts, randomly put money into his account. All they would do when they met was have lunch, nothing sexual. Very weird. Same politician ended up in news that same year for having the same arrangement with another bloke, and that's how their arrangement came to an end.

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

What rubbish. The OP said she had to go back to work early after maternity leave because of their money situation. Of course it's her business and is impacting the whole family!

Let me get this right - being a 'findom' involves no sex? You just call men filthy little worms and they give you money?

Where do I sign up?

@Changednameforthis12

It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s not sexual at all. He’s also very tight with money. I’ve had to go to work early with kids abs not have a long maternity. He questions me all the time about things I’ve bought off Amazon. I feel so angry he’s been throwing money at these women for God knows how many years. One of the sites just have word FINDOM on it. I really need to screenshot everything. I feel totally disgusted by him. I feel angry that I married such a low life.

I don't blame for you for being in shock... and being appalled...

It's dreadful he's controlling you financially and questioning every penny you spend on you and your kids... whilst he's chucking money at a fetish sight for his own pleasure.

Prick.

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

Looks like we found a Member of said Fetish Club accepting the monies, for what I'm not entirely sure.

Imagine how thrilled he'll be when you divorce him and get half of everything!

Don't deny him that pleasure....

Morning OP, how did it go last night? Hope you’re ok x

Oh op I'm so sorry. Don't blame yourself for this, he's deceived you and lied. How dare he question what you spend on amazon when he's been spending his money on random women instead of his own family.
Grrrr.
I hope the talk went well and that you've got some real life support too.
We are here if you need us.

It's financial domination- i've seen people on tiktok of all places calling themselves a 'findom'. They accept money in return for degredation, domination and all sorts of horrific things. It's never just a case of sending over some cash the receiver of the money would do something in return.

If he's not sexual it's probably because he wants this type of lifestyle rather than the one he has.

If he's met or is planning to meet someone to 'take advantage' of him, it's much more to worry about.

Thank you everyone. I spoke to him last night and he reacted like he usually does to anything and just closed off. He’s being very helpful and quiet today. He never helps out around the house and today I got back from work and he’s put the washing away. Never has he even lifted a finger before. I told him last night he needs help. He denied everything and said I’m crazy and he has no idea what I’m talking about. I was very calm and just told him a few messages I remembered. I told him he needs help and he needs to stop it now.

I’m going to screenshot and print off all the things I found and confront him properly. I’m just so tired I’m actually weirdly calm about everything. Honestly I have never felt I actually know him. He’s very reserved and a closed book. He definitely knows I’ve read most of the stuff.

No I have no one in RL to talk to about this. I think it will just be gossip for others to share abs I’m terrified of people making fun of my situation.

Pretty unusual... so sorry OP. I’d be really cheesed off about having to scrimp and save whilst he wastes money on randomers... Unnacceptable.

That is so sad OP. Obviously you need to do what you feel is best for you and your family but I strongly suspect that he will agree to stop but find a way to continue. Sadly men with specific deviance's like this rarely stop their behaviour. To be honest, you don't need to gather evidence to show him.Youve seen enough and its not your role to prove anything to him.

@Changednameforthis12

Thank you everyone. I spoke to him last night and he reacted like he usually does to anything and just closed off. He’s being very helpful and quiet today. He never helps out around the house and today I got back from work and he’s put the washing away. Never has he even lifted a finger before. I told him last night he needs help. He denied everything and said I’m crazy and he has no idea what I’m talking about. I was very calm and just told him a few messages I remembered. I told him he needs help and he needs to stop it now.

I’m going to screenshot and print off all the things I found and confront him properly. I’m just so tired I’m actually weirdly calm about everything. Honestly I have never felt I actually know him. He’s very reserved and a closed book. He definitely knows I’ve read most of the stuff.

No I have no one in RL to talk to about this. I think it will just be gossip for others to share abs I’m terrified of people making fun of my situation.

I would frame this differently

He doesn't "have to stop". You can't tell him what to do

But, it's important he knows your position, which might be (1) you accept it, or (2) you don't accept it and the relationship is over, or (3) the relationship isn't over, but if he does this again, then X will happen. Don't make empty threats. Be prepared to follow through

@Thymeout

Read up about fetishes and sexual deviance before you jump in all guns blazing.

It's a compulsion. He is spending his own money from his own bank account. The fact that there is no sign of it in his financial relationship with you shows how separate it is from his normal life. In no way is he cheating on you, nor is he forcing you to be involved in his particular quirk. At some point, probably in his early life, some incident conditioned him to need to do this.

What he needs is your understanding, perhaps with professional advice, to accept something that is essentially private and his own business.

How is it private and his own business when his family is going short, to the extent that OP has had to cut short her maternity leave? I don't understand how you can be making excuses for this grim creep.

You really need to think about leaving this man.