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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12yo guest walking out in middle of night. WWYD?

82 replies

bathsh3ba · 04/07/2021 11:34

My DD12 had a couple of friends around for a sleepover for her birthday last night. Friends she has known for at least 4 years and who have stayed over before.

They were all sleeping in the living room on air beds; I was upstairs in my room. At 1am I heard the front door open. (There is no keyhole on the inside so it can always be opened from inside. Never been a problem, my kids have never tried to get out!). I looked out my bedroom window to see one of her friends walking down the road! I flew downstairs at top speed and out the front door to get her back in. We live in a village, it's pretty safe but a 12yo should not be walking the streets at 1am anywhere and she doesn't live locally so doesn't know the area well. She was also walking towards an A road which is busy even at 1am.

When I got her back in and asked her why she had gone she said she 'went to think'. I explained how dangerous it was, that she mustn't do it again and I set the burglar alarm so that it would go off if the front door was opened again.

She doesn't have any kind of special needs but she does have a very permissive home life and moves between houses a lot as her family is from abroad and they travel a lot. So sometimes she is with her grandma while her mum travels, then back to her grandma etc. She does seem to create a lot of drama but I'm very aware she is 12 and has an unsettled home life.

This isn't really an AIBU but a WWYD? I'm torn between being furious at being put in a position where I could have been held responsible for a missing child, feeling sorry for her, wanting her to never see my DD again and considering talking to her mum or even the school. WWYD?

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 04/07/2021 11:36

I'd not have her for another sleep over but that's about it.

FuckUcuntychops · 04/07/2021 11:37

I would speak to the parent for sure. That’s very odd behaviour for a 12 year old.

BunnyRuddington · 04/07/2021 11:37

This isn't really an AIBU but a WWYD? I'm torn between being furious at being put in a position where I could have been held responsible for a missing child, feeling sorry for her, wanting her to never see my DD again and considering talking to her mum or even the school. WWYD

I think you handled this just right. You made sure she's safe and you put measures in place to make sure she stayed safe.

HaroldMeeker · 04/07/2021 11:37

I'd talk to her Mum, and personally wouldn't have her sleep over again. It's such a dangerous thing to do and you're responsible for her safety whilst she's with you. She has to do her part in that though, and at 12 she should surely understand that you don't walk out of a house in the middle of the night. I'd personally not be prepared to take responsibility for her again. What her parents do is up to them, but that would be my boundary.

Sittingonthefence83 · 04/07/2021 11:37

I would just not have her for another sleep over. Move on

StrongTea · 04/07/2021 11:38

Talk to her mum, just as well you heard her go out.

jimmyhill · 04/07/2021 11:40

Could have been sleepwalking...

Purpletomato · 04/07/2021 11:42

I wouldn't have her over again as I assume she left your door unlocked when she went out and it sounds like the sort of door where anyone could then open it from outside. So she put the rest of the house at risk of an intruder. I would also tell the mum or grandparents just in case they don't know she does this.

Loudestcat14 · 04/07/2021 12:02

You absolutely must tell her parents and I'd also have a chat with your DD to see if anything happened during the evening to trigger her walking out. I'd have her to stay again, but definitely doors locked, burglar alarm on!

warmfluffytowels · 04/07/2021 12:06

Please tell her parents.

luvvaduck · 04/07/2021 12:06

I'd want to flag it up, but not because she left the house at 1am and was walking to an A road and you could have been held responsible (though that thought is scary), but because at 12 years old she took herself off late at night in a strange place 'to have a think.' Something is troubling her and your account of her home life does sound as if she may be a child who's having to cope without much stability.

I don't have children so I don't know how a school would handle it, but if you know the teacher or the head well, I might flag it up with them that you're concerned about her wellbeing. What they could do about it, and whether she'd thank you for it, I don't know.

SirenSays · 04/07/2021 12:10

Omg she's so young, I think I'd have a word with her parents. I had a friend who used to do this at sleepovers and house parties. We had to lock the door and hide the keys from her or she'd wander off, especially if she had been drinking. One night she tried to escape my old bedsit in the middle of the night to walk down by the fast flowing pitch black river. Terrifying.

CecilyP · 04/07/2021 12:11

YANBU, I would definitely speak to her parents. I think it a bit extreme not to let your DD see her again but I would definitely never invite her for another sleepover.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/07/2021 12:12

No more sleepovers
Case closed x

Knitwit101 · 04/07/2021 12:15

What if you hadn't heard her and she hadn't been there in the morning? What a worry.

I wouldn't have her sleep over again and I would tell the mum why. I would also make sure my own child knew that was a really dangerous thing to do. You can imagine kids of that age thinking it was quite a glamorous thing to do, walking alone in the middle of the night to think about things.

I bet you're glad you caught her, I would be turning the what ifs over in my mind all day.

Amdone123 · 04/07/2021 12:20

I would speak to her parents and as pps have said, definitely not let her sleep over again.
I wouldn't ban future sleepovers for your child and friends but I would sit them all down before the evening and set some ground rules / consequences.
Your child may hate you for this ( I can't remember my son at this age, too long ago so I may be way off kilter with advice!), it's ok kids wanting sleepovers, but look who gets all the responsibility/ stress / angst.
It's a good job you heard her. I'd be a wreck thinking about what could have happened 😕

Hankunamatata · 04/07/2021 12:26

It's the kind of thing my ds would do but he does have additional needs.

sashagabadon · 04/07/2021 12:29

Crikey! I would tell mum and make note to never invite her back again Shock

MargaretThursday · 04/07/2021 12:31

I'd be worried that she was actually going to meet someone.

Redwinestillfine · 04/07/2021 12:34

Definitely tell her Mum ( and I wouldn't be having her over or letting my DD go to stay at hers either). Imagine if you hadn't heard her and something had happened....You would have been responsible.

Amdone123 · 04/07/2021 12:34

@MargaretThursday, good point.

purplecorkheart · 04/07/2021 12:37

I wonder is she sleepwalking. I do that when I am very stressed. Either way you have to tell her Mom. As someone suggested she could be meeting someone etc

GoWalkabout · 04/07/2021 12:51

I would quietly tell the school. Her emotional needs may be being overlooked in a busy home life. She can't assess the risks. School can talk to her and find out if she has done this before. I suspect she is crying out for boundaries. And put the alarm on when she sleeps at yours. Don't worry about being the baddie, you are safeguarding her.

MissMissTorrance · 04/07/2021 12:58

I'll echo the no more sleepovers and I'd not allow my child to hers if she's ever invited.
I'd also tell DD that I'd prefer her to see this girl in a wider group situation rather than 1-1.
Who knows what's going on and as a pp suggested I'd be worried bshe was off to meet someone and I wouldn't want my DD influenced or any ideas put into her head.
If I was accquainted with this girl's mother or grandmother I would mention when I saw them what had happened.

randomkey123 · 04/07/2021 13:02

That's weird behaviour, thank god you heard her.

I'd talk to parents and school over that. Let DD still be friends though, just don't allow her to stay overnight again.

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