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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

12yo guest walking out in middle of night. WWYD?

82 replies

bathsh3ba · 04/07/2021 11:34

My DD12 had a couple of friends around for a sleepover for her birthday last night. Friends she has known for at least 4 years and who have stayed over before.

They were all sleeping in the living room on air beds; I was upstairs in my room. At 1am I heard the front door open. (There is no keyhole on the inside so it can always be opened from inside. Never been a problem, my kids have never tried to get out!). I looked out my bedroom window to see one of her friends walking down the road! I flew downstairs at top speed and out the front door to get her back in. We live in a village, it's pretty safe but a 12yo should not be walking the streets at 1am anywhere and she doesn't live locally so doesn't know the area well. She was also walking towards an A road which is busy even at 1am.

When I got her back in and asked her why she had gone she said she 'went to think'. I explained how dangerous it was, that she mustn't do it again and I set the burglar alarm so that it would go off if the front door was opened again.

She doesn't have any kind of special needs but she does have a very permissive home life and moves between houses a lot as her family is from abroad and they travel a lot. So sometimes she is with her grandma while her mum travels, then back to her grandma etc. She does seem to create a lot of drama but I'm very aware she is 12 and has an unsettled home life.

This isn't really an AIBU but a WWYD? I'm torn between being furious at being put in a position where I could have been held responsible for a missing child, feeling sorry for her, wanting her to never see my DD again and considering talking to her mum or even the school. WWYD?

OP posts:

Planty13 · 04/07/2021 13:06

Absolutely speak to her parents. It could have ended so differently. So glad you heard her, I’d be gobsmacked too OP

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 13:08

Could your dd shed any light as to why she left? Was there an argument? I can't imagine mine wanting to be out alone after dark at that age. You need to tell her mum and let that be the last time you have her over to stay.

Notaroadrunner · 04/07/2021 13:09

Just to add I don't think it's a school issue so I wouldn't be telling the school. It's for her parents to deal with.

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2021 13:10

I have a 12yo DD

I'm shocked your DD didn't wake you up (unless she was asleep).

You need to get the backstory from the girls. Did she reveal something to them and then get the need to escape? What had they been talking about?

Why did she feel the need to leave the house for a think? My first thought wouldn't be that it was awful she left the house but what on earth caused that. Children can be impulsive and she is obviously quite troubled, either by something that night or something going on. I think something triggered this, but it's important to know what it was.

I would absolutely involve myself with school and parents. I really feel for this child and how she got into that situation. I feel you are angry with her, but there is something deeper going on here I think.

freckles20 · 04/07/2021 13:10

Who knows why she made a decision to to that? One thing is for sure is she is struggling and making the wrong decisions.

I would be approaching this from a place of concern. Speak with her parents first, and based on their response you could consider raising it with the school.

You may find that her parents know she is struggling atm, and are doing all they can to address the situation. Cutting them out and going straight to the school seems harsh.

MH difficulties can affect anyone and suggesting your daughter keeps her distance seems very harsh.

You may find that the dynamics of the sleepover became tricky for her. That's not an excuse for her to leave, but something to bear in mind.

BarefootHippieChick · 04/07/2021 13:11

One of my dds friends used to do this regularly, just get up in the middle of the night and go home, in the end the mum whose house it was refused to have her round again.

a8mint · 04/07/2021 13:13

Have you considered what is probably the most likely scenario-the other girls were being unkind to her?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/07/2021 13:13

I'm confused. Were the other children being unpleasant to her? It's tricky if there's a falling out because all the children except your daughter aren't on 'home turf'. It was a dramatic thing to do but that's twelve year olds for you. I would've alarmed the door at bedtime anyway.

Bluetrews25 · 04/07/2021 13:13

You did right.
I would tell school in case it fits in with something else.
And if she comes again, alarm all doors and windows, and say so.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 04/07/2021 13:13

@a8mint

Have you considered what is probably the most likely scenario-the other girls were being unkind to her?

Very much my thinking.

Branleuse · 04/07/2021 13:13

I used to do this as a kid when staying at my best friends. Id sneak out and go home in the night

MerryMarigold · 04/07/2021 13:14

The reason I would involve school is that it triggered alarm bells for me. School wouldn't do anything with just that's information but it could be important in the future, or it could be offset of a bigger picture now. I wouldn't trust the parents fully to do what was needed to be done, unless I knew them very well.

kindaclassy · 04/07/2021 13:14

I would never have a house that can't be locked from the inside, even if it means adding a lock at the top of the door for a start.
You cannot have a sleepover and invite friends around if you can't keep them safe.

I would never re-invite her.

and also tell her parents!

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/07/2021 13:14

@Notaroadrunner

Just to add I don't think it's a school issue so I wouldn't be telling the school. It's for her parents to deal with.

Tell the school, because if this a reaction to something untoward happening in the home, home will struggle to support her with it or seek extra help. If school know then they can look out for her (and if this is the only thing of concern ever mentioned or witnessed, they won’t do anything)

Comedycook · 04/07/2021 13:14

I wouldn't have her back for another sleepover and I'd definitely tell the mum. That's probably about it though.

MinesAPintOfTea · 04/07/2021 13:16

@MerryMarigold

No one knows anyone else’s home life that well. Tell the school even if you think all is well.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/07/2021 13:17

I'd also tell school. Doesn't mean a social worker is going to turn up at the mum's house but it might fit another piece of the jigsaw where this child is concerned.

2bazookas · 04/07/2021 13:17

I would fully inform her parents ; and that child would no longer be invited for sleepovers.

I'd then expect my own child to tell me what the hell happened last night. Until I was satisfied, there would be no more sleep over parties of any kind (either at your house, or DC at friends houses0.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/07/2021 13:18

But before telling school I would check with the other girls that they hadn't been mean to her or dared her to do something like that

DGFB · 04/07/2021 13:20

Why on earth would you ban your daughter from seeing her? Cruel and unfair.
I’d mention it to the parents.. but that’s all

UntilYourNextHairBrainedScheme · 04/07/2021 13:25

Tell her mum. Don't invite her to sleep over again unless the outcome of the conversation with her mum leaves you feeling this won't happen again.

I've got 3 kids aged between 10 and 16 and have hosted plenty of sleepovers and this isn't remotely to be expected, especially the "to have a think" explanation rather than an attempt to get home (I'd never lock children into the house in case of fire). However I have witnessed some (to an adult) completely illogical risk taking behaviour including my own DD at 10 deciding to walk home at 2am (only from a friend in the village though, so she did indeed get home and ring our doorbell, which was the first anyone knew) . In DD's case the host child had got up saying that she was going to the toilet and had gone to sleep in her mum's bed, leaving DD alone in the friend's room - when she didn't return DD couldn't sleep and got worried so decided to walk home! DD never wanted to sleep there again and we agreed!

Tired children do odd things, and tired prepubescent children are every bit as illogical as toddlers.

Flowerlane · 04/07/2021 13:25

That’s worrying luckily you heard her.

Do you think she was going to meet someone?

Definitely mention to the parents.

stealthninjamum · 04/07/2021 13:25

You don’t really know what’s going on in her life but I would be concerned that she could have bad mental health problems.

I would let school know as there may be other worrying behaviour.

I would also ask my daughter if she can’t think of anything that would’ve upset the girl.

I think it would be unfair to stop having her over for sleepovers if she knows other girls are coming over, it could be isolating. However I would tell her not to do it again and would set the alarm and / or buy better locks for the front door. (But that’s because I’d be worried about a burglar getting in and out easily!)

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/07/2021 13:26

I think I'd have rung her Mum when it happened, tbh. I wouldn't have wanted to have any further responsibility for her (and your door sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, I'd get that sorted tout suite).

Hellocatshome · 04/07/2021 13:30

Were the other girls awake or asleep or pretending to be asleep? Sleepovers are awful places for girls when they decide to 'gang up'on one person at the sleepover and they can be very sneaky about it as well. Also re the sleepwalking element you can have perfectly normal conversations with my son when he sleep walks with him responding as you would expect the questions etc but he is still asleep, this may have been the case here.

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