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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

12yo guest walking out in middle of night. WWYD?

82 replies

bathsh3ba · 04/07/2021 11:34

My DD12 had a couple of friends around for a sleepover for her birthday last night. Friends she has known for at least 4 years and who have stayed over before.

They were all sleeping in the living room on air beds; I was upstairs in my room. At 1am I heard the front door open. (There is no keyhole on the inside so it can always be opened from inside. Never been a problem, my kids have never tried to get out!). I looked out my bedroom window to see one of her friends walking down the road! I flew downstairs at top speed and out the front door to get her back in. We live in a village, it's pretty safe but a 12yo should not be walking the streets at 1am anywhere and she doesn't live locally so doesn't know the area well. She was also walking towards an A road which is busy even at 1am.

When I got her back in and asked her why she had gone she said she 'went to think'. I explained how dangerous it was, that she mustn't do it again and I set the burglar alarm so that it would go off if the front door was opened again.

She doesn't have any kind of special needs but she does have a very permissive home life and moves between houses a lot as her family is from abroad and they travel a lot. So sometimes she is with her grandma while her mum travels, then back to her grandma etc. She does seem to create a lot of drama but I'm very aware she is 12 and has an unsettled home life.

This isn't really an AIBU but a WWYD? I'm torn between being furious at being put in a position where I could have been held responsible for a missing child, feeling sorry for her, wanting her to never see my DD again and considering talking to her mum or even the school. WWYD?

OP posts:
me4real · 04/07/2021 13:30

If a 12 year old girl wandered off into the night at 1am 'to have a think' I'd assume she has some problems.

I wouldn't ban her from sleepovers for that. It's not like she destroyed some property or had drugs or something.

I wouldn't bother with the parents @bathsh3ba as it sounds like they're fairly absent from her life. I think I would mention her 'to have a think' and wandering off after midnight thing to her school, along with what you know of her home situation.

It sounds like maybe she's a bit depressed or something- well, somethings on her mind anyway.

Thelnebriati · 04/07/2021 13:43

If she left without a key and shut the door, I don't think she intended to come back.

Hellocatshome · 04/07/2021 13:47

If she left without a key and shut the door, I don't think she intended to come back.
Not necessarily our door doesnt lock unless you lock it same with all the DCs GPs etc. I dont think even my 14 year old in the cold light of day would necessarily make the connection that if they shut the front door they wouldn't bale able to get back in.

andweallsingalong · 04/07/2021 13:50

I think banning her from sleepovers if over reacting.

She wandered off, it must have been very scary for you, but it sounds like she didn't know whe wasn't allowed to and didn't have a problem following your rules when explained to her.

Yes, it's worrying that she felt it a normal thing to do, but I don't understand why it would be okay to punish her by excluding her from future sleepovers especially when a repeat is easy to avoid by telling all the girls your house rules and putting the burglar alarm on.

From what you say of her home life the normality of your home could make a big difference to her life.

Anyusernameleft · 04/07/2021 13:53

I'm not sure why you would get school involved? Did she even give a clue what it was that she needed to think about? Or does your DD have any insight? But definitely definitely say it to her parents...they need to know there is something on her mind & that she took her leave in the middle of the night...& she needs to be firmly told never ever to do that again. And explain to them that you would worry about having her on a sleepover again so you won't be doing that. Also...it might be an idea to put a lock on the door...I'd be worried about younger kids of family/friends making a dash for it if they were over...prob might never happen but I'd be happier knowing it wouldn't be that easy for them.

Maggiesfarm · 04/07/2021 13:55

That's quite scary. My first thought was that the girl was sleepwalking or had a dream that caused her to half wake and wander off. I wonder if she does things like that at home. Ask her parents when they collect her, or before if you can.

Obviously she is to much responsibility for you to have her staying again. Thank goodness you heard her go out at 1am, some people would not have.

I presume you have a back garden. She could have gone there for some fresh air to think, far safer.

Strange business. I'll be interested to know what her mother says - and what she said about it this morning if she remembers.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/07/2021 13:57

Think you are jumping the gun, first thing to do is speak to her mum to let her know what happened and see what she says.

MondayYogurt · 04/07/2021 14:03

Was she dressed or in PJs?

Did she have her phone?

RealhousewifeofStoke · 04/07/2021 14:35

This is why I don’t have sleepovers. Having finally conceded to DD to have one, I had to drive a hysterical 11 year old home on a 20 mile round trip at 3 am because he couldn’t sleep.
Definitely speak to her mum.

MadMadMadamMim · 04/07/2021 14:49

I'd speak to her mother, and I wouldn't have her again. Unkind or not, I can't be responsible all night for a child that does this. Are you supposed to sit up wide eyed all night in case it happens again? I couldn't ever relax with her staying the night.

I wouldn't tell the school. And I'd be fairly unhappy if I was the girl's mother in this case and someone felt the need to 'report' it behind my back. It's not your business to deal with.

1forAll74 · 04/07/2021 14:51

No more sleep overs at your house, and tell her family.. Did the other girls pass comments about this, Maybe she had a fall out with one of them, or all of them.

TeiTetua · 04/07/2021 15:12

I think it would be a good idea (for any parent) to make it clear to the kids, especially your own child, that if there's to be a sleepover like this, "Nobody must enter or leave the house after we go to bed." If there's an emergency, someone needs to wake you up so you can deal with it. And tell your own kid, "We're responsible for everyone's safety. What they do at their own house is their own business, but here we can't let people wander around outside."

If there's an alarm system, that's great. Set it and let all the kids know that it's there.

frigglerock · 04/07/2021 15:15

The girls might have had a falling out, but that's no reason to go out the front door. Usually you'd leave the room or call your parent to come and get you, but walking out the front door at 1am when you don't live right next door is strange and extreme behaviour! I'd still ask my daughter about it, though, then let her mother know what had happened. I wouldn't involve the school, personally, but I'd never have her to stay overnight again.

Original poster
bathsh3ba · 04/07/2021 18:20

Thanks for all the responses. I've contacted her mum. She was in PJs, had her phone, definitely not sleepwalking. According to the other girls she had been upset about an aunt dying.

OP posts:
MackenzieT · 04/07/2021 18:35

I'm very aware she is 12 and has an unsettled home life.

I was this kid wandering the streets at 12 to try and get my head straight, I also had a violently unstable home life. Believe me when I say you probably don't know the half of it and even on a very surface level it sounds like it could be fraught with feelings of abandonment and the permissiveness may be outright neglect. Concern for the child struggling with a lack of stable home rather than anger at the child and banning her from being friends might be a better response. Glad you've informed her mum.

DaisyDreaming · 04/07/2021 18:37

My friend said it’s very common amongst her teenagers friends, a form of self harm for them

melj1213 · 04/07/2021 18:43

I would be having a word with the child's mum - to tell her what happened and to ask if it is a regular thing. If it is a regular thing that she wanders off whenever she likes then I would not be allowing her over for sleepovers any time soon as I would not want to be responsible for a child who may disappear in the middle of the night; if it is a one off - especially as it appears she has had some family issues recently- then I might just say no sleepovers for a while, until things have settled down again.

Summersun2020 · 04/07/2021 19:12

She sounds like a drama Queen and a pain in the arse. I’d have dropped her at home there and then and I would never have her back for a sleepover. 12 is not a baby she’s old enough to know better than this silly behaviour.

GreyhoundG1rl · 04/07/2021 19:40

@DaisyDreaming

My friend said it’s very common amongst her teenagers friends, a form of self harm for them
What is? Confused
WindyWindsor · 04/07/2021 19:45

I feel really sorry for the girl. Clearly she's struggling with something. I would have honestly asked her away from the other girls whether there's anything wrong or anything she wants to talk about. It sounds like there's something bad going on. Hopefully it is her upset about her aunt and nothing more.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2021 19:57

Tired children do odd things, tired prepubescent children are every bit as illogical as toddlers.

I agree with this albeit the girl will be going through puberty around about now. My dd his 13 now and starting to get a bit more aware of what she’s doing. But at 12, she must have started to go through the process of brain rewiring and did the stupidest things. I mean really stupid. Clearly I wasn’t specific enough in my instructions and and she (and her friend) became a bit of a headless chicken. She’s more sensible than a lot of her friends and at 10 and 11 and knew these things weren’t ok but had no risk assessment skills.

So I would cut this girl some slack. Even the other day, I was chatting to one of dd’s friends mums when she dropped her home a bit before 10 pm. The girls tried to walk off and went round the corner. In the end, we needed to give them a marker just like toddlers - don’t go past x car because stay where we can see you didn’t work.

I would definitely have the girl again but set ground rules. And I would consider flagging it to the school. They can judge if it is nothing or an emerging pattern.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2021 19:58
  • I mean she had risk assessment skills at 10 / 11 she no longer had at 12.
cansu · 04/07/2021 20:01

Tell her mum. Make it clear that you won't be having her over until you know she understand this isn't allowed. I don't know what people expect the school to do in this situation.

MsTSwift · 04/07/2021 20:02

Wouldn’t “ban” her from the house etc but she’s clearly not up to sleepovers so no I wouldn’t have her for a sleepover again.

maxbabi · 04/07/2021 20:07

My daughter used to wonder about (sleep walking) whenever we stayed away from home. Guess she found it unsettling.
I think there is an awful lot of drama queens on here.
She grew out of it. At 12 hormones are raging.