12yo guest walking out in middle of night. WWYD?

[bathsh3ba]

My DD12 had a couple of friends around for a sleepover for her birthday last night. Friends she has known for at least 4 years and who have stayed over before.

They were all sleeping in the living room on air beds; I was upstairs in my room. At 1am I heard the front door open. (There is no keyhole on the inside so it can always be opened from inside. Never been a problem, my kids have never tried to get out!). I looked out my bedroom window to see one of her friends walking down the road! I flew downstairs at top speed and out the front door to get her back in. We live in a village, it's pretty safe but a 12yo should not be walking the streets at 1am anywhere and she doesn't live locally so doesn't know the area well. She was also walking towards an A road which is busy even at 1am.

When I got her back in and asked her why she had gone she said she 'went to think'. I explained how dangerous it was, that she mustn't do it again and I set the burglar alarm so that it would go off if the front door was opened again.

She doesn't have any kind of special needs but she does have a very permissive home life and moves between houses a lot as her family is from abroad and they travel a lot. So sometimes she is with her grandma while her mum travels, then back to her grandma etc. She does seem to create a lot of drama but I'm very aware she is 12 and has an unsettled home life.

This isn't really an AIBU but a WWYD? I'm torn between being furious at being put in a position where I could have been held responsible for a missing child, feeling sorry for her, wanting her to never see my DD again and considering talking to her mum or even the school. WWYD?

Speak to the parent but not the school - why does everyone want to keep involving the school in these things.

@cansu

Tell her mum. Make it clear that you won't be having her over until you know she understand this isn't allowed. I don't know what people expect the school to do in this situation.

No one is expecting the school to tell the child off for this, but to be aware that she had an extreme reaction and behaved in this way. It may be part of a bigger picture which school know about and which parents are possibly not dealing with,v or contributing to (hence not relying on letting parents know).

Are you 100% sure she was not sleepwalking? Seeing she was in her PJ's. She might have woken up by the time you got to her and too ashamed to let you what happened.

I say that because I have whitnest someone sleepwalking and and you can't really tell if they are awake or not.

A house mate of my DH and I once walked into our room whilst we where in bed reading. She walked over to my DH, tucked him in, said some things I can remember, and then left the room. It was weird and a bit creepy but she looked 100% awake. We thought she was joking around.

When we asked her about the next morning she couldn't remember and told us she sometimes sleepwalkers when very stressed. She even did it once in a hotel. Left her room, started nocking on another rooms door, on another floor, because she was unable to get in. A man opened the door and she walk inside and went into his bed. Luckily he was just shocked and confused by this strange woman in his bed, woke her up and told her to leave.

I wouldn’t have her for a sleepover again, at least not in the near future, as she clearly isn’t ready, and I’d tell her mother, as you’ve already done.

And I’d probably see whether I could get a bolt lock installed on the front door.

I’m so glad we have outgrown sleepovers, they were a pain in the arse. I remember one girl sitting on DD’s windowsill with her legs hanging out the window. Anyway back to you, I think I would make it clear if she was invited again, it would be on the provision there would be no late night walkies.

Aw bless her.

Pity she didn't go into the back garden for some fresh air and private thoughts. However at least all is explained.

@luvvaduck

I'd want to flag it up, but not because she left the house at 1am and was walking to an A road and you could have been held responsible (though that thought is scary), but because at 12 years old she took herself off late at night in a strange place 'to have a think.' Something is troubling her and your account of her home life does sound as if she may be a child who's having to cope without much stability.

I don't have children so I don't know how a school would handle it, but if you know the teacher or the head well, I might flag it up with them that you're concerned about her wellbeing. What they could do about it, and whether she'd thank you for it, I don't know.

Yes