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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Old friends hen/wedding politics

86 replies

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:08

Hi, I know this isn’t baby related but it’s mum related and really need some impartial advice.

An old school (best) friend is getting married next month (was supposed to be last year) and she just had her hen. I got really upset when I found out about the hen as I didn’t know about it; I kinda new I wouldn’t be invited as we’ve drifted a bit since we left school 10 years ago. I guess I was more hurt as she had 5 other school friends there, one of which has always been more my friend than hers so that hurt.

Back story: we’ve known each other since we were 11 and up until we were 19 were v close. It got weird when around 17 when she got back with a BF who cheated on her and I was quite angry about it. Anyway, we’ve always had joint parties, been on hols together etc. She’s prob the closest friend I’ve ever had (I don’t have many). Anyway, we moved apart after school and I found my DH at 21. She lived the single life in London and while I had kids at 24…I gradually got less and less invited to stuff. You know how it is…she often comes back home to her parents/friends (near me) but rarely asked to meet. It hurt BUT I get it, we were living different lives. I got married at 27 and I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid as I felt a bit betrayed by her. I kinda cocked up my bridesmaid & did end up having loads and some from school as I was in between friend groups/stages and had baby brain planning a wedding with a baby. She came to my hen (15 of us) and my wedding.

So now…I can’t help but feel like it’s time to confront her…maybe not go to her wedding as the idea of it just makes me feel sad and uncomfortable. I feel like she doesn’t give two hoots about me. She didn’t even text me on my 30th in May…

Sorry for the long one. Just looking for advice

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 04/07/2021 08:13

But you aren't friends? You haven't been for years? Confront her for what? You aren't friends, doesn't seem like you've made any effort with her either really you've just grown apart. That's life

PacifyLulu · 04/07/2021 08:18

I’m not sure what the issue is really. Your friendship got a bit weird 13 years ago and you started drifting 11 years ago. Ok she came to your hen but that doesn’t equal an automatic return invitation to hers.

I think the friendship is probably not what you want it to be. At least it seems that way from your post.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:22

Yeh I have made an effort, I always tried to meet with her but she couldn’t for xyz. I get that people drift but i have old friends I haven’t seen for years sometimes but when you see them its great. I have 2 old friends on my hen that I’ve know since I was 3! We go years without seeing each other but we are still friends: I guess she doesn’t care. Maybe time to cut the ties and just not go to her wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:23

Yeh it’s been one way for a while. Her wedding is next month and ideally I don’t want to go. I don’t see the point anymore. What stops me is that it’s a bit late to cancel now

OP posts:
Weebleweeble · 04/07/2021 08:23

Drift apart - then you'll escape from all this angst and handwringing.

MordredsOrrery · 04/07/2021 08:25

Have you ever asked to meet her when she's back? Did you ever go and visit her?

The friendship is not what it was when you were teenagers - that's perfectly normal when you become grownups and live different lives in different places. You're going to sound bonkers if you confront her about this as there's nothing here to confront.

Also, the 'more my friend than hers' attitude should have been left behind when you moved on from school.

Sciurus83 · 04/07/2021 08:26

She thinks you're close enough to invite to her wedding during covid restrictions though, she's not completely disregarded you at all

MiddleParking · 04/07/2021 08:27

It sounds like you’re not very close and have both treated each other accordingly for years. It would be really mean to ‘confront’ her about it over her wedding, it’s a happy time in her life, let her have it. It’s not about you.

IMNOTSHOUTING · 04/07/2021 08:27

I definitely wouldn't confront her but I would perhaps accept that the friendship is over and doesn't mean anything to her anymore. I know this is really hurtful op. I've had similar happen to me, where an old friend I still considered important obviously didn't feel the same about me. The best thing you can do is focus on making new friends within your new life. Work on your self esteem and let this old friendship go.

Sciurus83 · 04/07/2021 08:28

You'd be better focusing this energy on making some new friends

IcedSpice · 04/07/2021 08:29

What on earth do you need to confront her about??

Livingintheclouds · 04/07/2021 08:30

With your history as you've explained it I don't see why she'd ask you to her hen. You don't seem close.
Let it go.

WaltzingBetty · 04/07/2021 08:34

You sound a bit entitled tbh. What are you expecting from her? She's under no obligation to invite you to her hen party just because you invited her to yours.

You may well have hurt her with not including her as a bridesmaid years ago - who knows?!?

Go to the wedding if you want to celebrate her day and catch up with old friends, but if you're going to be bitter or unpleasant then stay at home.

ElderMillennial · 04/07/2021 08:42

I also am unsure what you want to confront her about. She didn't have to invite you to her hen. She didn't have to invite you to her wedding either. If you don't want to go to the wedding then don't but tell her ASAP.

ThePlantsitter · 04/07/2021 08:49

I don't think yabu because part of the point of a hen do (in my opinion) is that it makes the party run more smoothly because some of the women already know each other. It is a bit sad too be left out of that. Not going to the wedding as revenge is utterly pointless and silly but not going because you think you will feel bad throughout is fine as long as you say so NOW. That will definitely be the final kiss of the friendship though that's for sure.

MareMare · 04/07/2021 09:00

You’re 30, haven’t been close to your former BF since you were 19, have led very different lives in different places for a decade, you didn’t have her as your bridesmaid 3 years ago, and now you want to ‘confront’ her for not inviting you to her hen, and skip her wedding to punish her?

It’s a friendship that’s drifted, OP. She still values it enough to invite you to her wedding, but you’re no longer close and haven’t been for a decade.

PacifyLulu · 04/07/2021 09:02

I don’t think she doesn’t care at all - she did invite you to restricted-numbers wedding after all. It’s just think for you, the friendship is much closer than it is for her. Or maybe you place more importance on the history of the friendship than she does?

breadbinbaby · 04/07/2021 09:09

How many did she even have on her hen do? Was it her plus the five school friends? I had a tiny hen do because the Covid regulations only allowed six to sit inside a pub, even though I ended up being allowed to have a big wedding.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:11

I only said that because we see each other a lot and every time I see this friend she bitches about the bride. So I thought they weren’t close. Hence I was surprised she was at the hen

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:12

Also, she never tells me when she’s home. That’s the point

OP posts:
BillyIsMyBunny · 04/07/2021 09:12

YABVU.

You say you’ve always done things together and she’s the closest friend you’ve ever had but you also say you drifted apart at 17 due to you being angry with her about her boyfriend and that you didn’t ask her to bridesmaid despite having loads, including other people from school. Why wouldn’t you ask her to be bridesmaid if she was truly your closest friend? It sounds like you didn’t ask her to be spiteful/ punish her for feeling betrayed even though it doesn’t sound like you have made a lot of effort to maintain the friendship on your side either and like it was your anger regarding her personal life which first caused the rift.

She, understandably, doesn’t feel you’re that close and it sounds like you send out very mixed signals regarding whether you even like her and whether you’re living different lives or close friends. Not inviting her to be bridesmaid at your wedding, despite having loads, sent out a very strong message that you don’t consider her a close friend and valued other school friends over her so I don’t understand how you can be hurt that several years later she feels the same when deciding which close friends to invite to her hen do and chooses other school friends over you. Bear in mind due to covid there were probably restrictions on numbers so she likely had to only invite her nearest and dearest.

It would be unfair and unreasonable of you to confront her about any of this when honestly it sounds like you are at least equally to blame, but more likely the main cause of the friendship drifting apart. It doesn’t sound like she has done anything wrong but you seem to be looking to make a big drama out of things. If you don’t want to go to the wedding then it would be reasonable to politely decline the invitation, on the one hand it is a bit close to cancel but on the other hand if you’re going to make it all about you and how you feel it’s probably better you don’t go.

valnevavaxx · 04/07/2021 09:12

In the kindest way OP, you need to get a grip. You haven’t been close friends since you were teenagers so she clearly doesn’t consider you someone she’d have at her hen. This may be the first time you’ve really realised she has a different view to the friendship than you and I’m sorry you feel sad about that- but really there is nothing to confront her about.

As PP suggested, I would put this energy into finding some new friends.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:13

Thank you so much for a considered and emphatic answer; unlike a few of these replies which are just rude and inconsiderate. I think you’re right

OP posts:
LawnFever · 04/07/2021 09:15

You’ve drifted apart, it’s totally normal and going over stuff that happened when you were teenagers is ancient history.

I’m not sure what you’d confront her about? You’ll sound a bit mad if you did.

When was your wedding? If you didn’t feel close enough to ask her to be your bridesmaid then you’ve played an equal part in why your friendship has drifted, but that’s life.

Not going to the wedding as some kind of revenge is a bit petty, but if you decide not to go just tell her sooner rather than later and keep it vague.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:15

It wouldn’t be about revenge at all. I feel quite ganged up against from my old school friends. It’s hard to explain online like this…maybe I should just go for the ceremony as I am happy for her: but not so keen to make small talk to old “friends” who haven’t been friendly for a long time

OP posts: