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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Old friends hen/wedding politics

86 replies

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:08

Hi, I know this isn’t baby related but it’s mum related and really need some impartial advice.

An old school (best) friend is getting married next month (was supposed to be last year) and she just had her hen. I got really upset when I found out about the hen as I didn’t know about it; I kinda new I wouldn’t be invited as we’ve drifted a bit since we left school 10 years ago. I guess I was more hurt as she had 5 other school friends there, one of which has always been more my friend than hers so that hurt.

Back story: we’ve known each other since we were 11 and up until we were 19 were v close. It got weird when around 17 when she got back with a BF who cheated on her and I was quite angry about it. Anyway, we’ve always had joint parties, been on hols together etc. She’s prob the closest friend I’ve ever had (I don’t have many). Anyway, we moved apart after school and I found my DH at 21. She lived the single life in London and while I had kids at 24…I gradually got less and less invited to stuff. You know how it is…she often comes back home to her parents/friends (near me) but rarely asked to meet. It hurt BUT I get it, we were living different lives. I got married at 27 and I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid as I felt a bit betrayed by her. I kinda cocked up my bridesmaid & did end up having loads and some from school as I was in between friend groups/stages and had baby brain planning a wedding with a baby. She came to my hen (15 of us) and my wedding.

So now…I can’t help but feel like it’s time to confront her…maybe not go to her wedding as the idea of it just makes me feel sad and uncomfortable. I feel like she doesn’t give two hoots about me. She didn’t even text me on my 30th in May…

Sorry for the long one. Just looking for advice

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 04/07/2021 10:20

I think you can a good time at the wedding. You can treat it as a one off last time together. Ignore or sideline anyone you no longer wish to be close to. Recognise and accept that the friendships dont really work for you anymore - no blame, no grudges just life has changed and you are moving on

And focus on the nice bits - I find wedding services special whoever is getting wed, I like an opportunity to dress up and I like meeting new people.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 10:21

Exactly! NoHome. I’ve always been straight up. People tend to bitch to me because I listen and I can keep my mouth shut.
I think I’ll go as it’s local and not costing much at all. I am happy for her too, she’s settled with a good egg! Hubby and I will have a day together - haven’t in 3 years. I’ll aim to mingle with new people, that can be surprisingly easy at weddings.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 10:22

Agreed notonthestairs. Especially since this is the first wedding in two years !

OP posts:

Notonthestairs · 04/07/2021 10:31

Just have a lovely day with your husband (I hope he's invited) - if you get stuck talking to people you don't want to or who make you feel rubbish just find an excuse to move on. You'll feel better for it.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 10:32

Yes he is. We’ll have a nice day. Nice to be fed lol

OP posts:

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt · 04/07/2021 10:44

And go with a positive frame of mind (not that you'll leave after the first dance).

If you go thinking you'll have a crap time, you probably will.

As you said, nice meal, chance to go out with DH, dress up and have a party. Make the most of it.

(If it is shite, or you are not enjoying it at the time, then of course leave early...just don't expect to iyswim).

cupcakecourageous · 04/07/2021 10:57

I think you should go, try to reframe your relationship as 'used to be close friends, drifted and chose different paths, now just acquaintances with some friends in common'

Enjoy the day, getting dressed up and a nice meal, have a catch up with old friends (but don't expect much more than some small talk and a bit of reminiscing perhaps)

At least when your paths cross in the future it won't be awkward as you'll just have drifted as opposed to actually 'fallen out' with each other.

We have friends for 'a season, a reason or a lifetime'.... somethings we think a friendship will last a lifetime but it turns out to be for just a season in our life instead. It just works out that way sometimes.

OldTinHat · 04/07/2021 10:59

You don't really want to go? Don't bloody go then! It's not rocket science!

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 13:26

Thanks Cupcake really well put! :)

OP posts:

ElderMillennial · 04/07/2021 14:33

OP I posted on a thread the other day about an experience I had going to a friends wedding. We had sort of lost touch a bit, to the point that I was almost surprised when friend called me to say she's engaged and invited me to her wedding. It was also quite a distance and I didn't have a plus one invite so I was in two minds about going. I did go and our friendship has really strengthened over the years. We don't see each other often due to circumstances and distance but we speak and text regularly and she's one of my closest friends. If I hadn't gone then that could have been the end of the friendship (and I already kind of thought the friendship had been over) but going to the wedding worked out well in my case.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 15:16

Thanks for sharing Elder. I’m really glad it work out for you :)

OP posts:

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