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Original poster

Old friends hen/wedding politics

86 replies

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:08

Hi, I know this isn’t baby related but it’s mum related and really need some impartial advice.

An old school (best) friend is getting married next month (was supposed to be last year) and she just had her hen. I got really upset when I found out about the hen as I didn’t know about it; I kinda new I wouldn’t be invited as we’ve drifted a bit since we left school 10 years ago. I guess I was more hurt as she had 5 other school friends there, one of which has always been more my friend than hers so that hurt.

Back story: we’ve known each other since we were 11 and up until we were 19 were v close. It got weird when around 17 when she got back with a BF who cheated on her and I was quite angry about it. Anyway, we’ve always had joint parties, been on hols together etc. She’s prob the closest friend I’ve ever had (I don’t have many). Anyway, we moved apart after school and I found my DH at 21. She lived the single life in London and while I had kids at 24…I gradually got less and less invited to stuff. You know how it is…she often comes back home to her parents/friends (near me) but rarely asked to meet. It hurt BUT I get it, we were living different lives. I got married at 27 and I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid as I felt a bit betrayed by her. I kinda cocked up my bridesmaid & did end up having loads and some from school as I was in between friend groups/stages and had baby brain planning a wedding with a baby. She came to my hen (15 of us) and my wedding.

So now…I can’t help but feel like it’s time to confront her…maybe not go to her wedding as the idea of it just makes me feel sad and uncomfortable. I feel like she doesn’t give two hoots about me. She didn’t even text me on my 30th in May…

Sorry for the long one. Just looking for advice

OP posts:
RealhousewifeofStoke · 04/07/2021 09:40

‘As for many of the comment on here assuming I’m some dickhead or wants revenge or something’

Except there aren’t any Hmm

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/07/2021 09:40

As someone, who moved away from both families - dh’s and mine as we are from different countries, I cannot tell you enough how exhausting it is to always to be expected to visit everyone. So cut your friend some slack. You’re living different lives now. She clearly regards you high enough to invite you to her wedding but not to the hen, in the same way you regarded her highly enough to invite her to the hen but not to be a bm.

Covid restrictions in place now means everything is cut back. Maybe, just maybe you would have made the hen cut had there not been a pandemic. I don’t think she’s got anything wrong. You sound very down and negative. The positive is you got invited despite the reduced numbers allowed.

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt · 04/07/2021 09:44

Is this about going to the wedding and thinking those other girls will look at you and think "Why wasn't she at the Hen do?"

Because you are angsting about not being at the hen do. About what it says about your friendship/loyalty/yadeyadeya.

People will not be thinking that much about you. They. Do. Not. Give. A. Monkies.

Do you want to see your friend (not that close but long-standing) get married? Would you like to celebrate the event with her and her friends/family afterwards? Would you like to be happy for her?

If yes - go.

If you are going to be chewed up emotionally about what it means about your friendship/loyalty/where you are on the friendship pecking order/what are they saying about me/What grade of friend am I? Then don't.

Kindly meant - you are over thinking this. It has been a fucking awful year. You have a long standing friend - which is lovely. You may not be as close as you once were - but shared history is lovely. Try no to throw it away in a fit of pique.

DameFanny · 04/07/2021 09:45

@pinkbunnylugs

Thanks North of Somehwere. You’re right they’re the two choices. It sounds childish how I wrote it…I meant that whenever the friend who went to the hen sees the bride, she bitches about her to me…so assumed the weren’t close. That’s what I meant.
The one thing you can assume about a friend bitching after spending time with another friend is that they're also bitching about you.

You haven't been close for 11 years. You're not close friends any more, and though you've reached out she's not reciprocated. Stop thinking of friend as a noun that stands for all time; it's a verb, and only exists when people are actively friendly, no matter what the interval.

She's shown you that she's not that interested any more (maybe your mutual bitching friend has something to do with that too) - let her go her own way. Let her go.

userrnamemn · 04/07/2021 09:47

So, you’re angry because of comments she said about your husband, but you fell out with her when you were 17 because you didn’t like her boyfriend. You’re mad over her hens, but you didn’t have her as a bridesmaid (but had others from school). I think you’re probably as bad as each other and it’s time to move on 😂

agododopushpineapple · 04/07/2021 09:47

“I’m a very loyal person”
“I run many support groups on Facebook”

I’m starting to translate that to
“I like making drama where there is none”

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:48

OhWhy. Yes I’m very happy for her. Just awkward about the socialising after the ceremony bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:49

Yeh possibly Username 😂🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:49

DameFanny - so what would you do. Go to the wedding or not?

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 04/07/2021 09:51

I don't really understand why you are hanging on to the teenage stuff. Not only hanging on to events decades ago but treating current relationships in the same way - who went where, who is closest to whom etc. You are an adult woman with a job, a husband and plans for the future.

Move it along and treat it as a blank sheet - is she a nice friend now? Can you have a laugh and a chat?

You don't have to hang to perceived slights from the past. You can choose to accept people for who they are now.

scubadive · 04/07/2021 09:52

How long ago was your wedding when she came to your hen.

Ignore the nasty posts on her, some mumsnetters like to pride themselves on being heartless.

It shouldn’t matter if you havnt seen each as much lately as you are in different phases of your life, as you say true friends you can go years without seeing and then it’s just the same.

It’s odd that you were best friends and she has invited others from school including someone you are more friendly with, it’s hurtful and I wonder if this is her point, perhaps she is jealous,

I would be wary if your friend that constantly means about her and then attends her hen, she could be doing the same about you to the bride, in fact she could be stirring the pot. I would be tempted to confront her and ask why you weren’t invited to her hen, and say did she not realise how hurtful this was particularly when x,yard z were invited, see what her response is and decide from there if you want to go to her wedding or cut your losses. She has at least invited you to her wedding though.

Drivingmeupthewall · 04/07/2021 09:52

Don’t ‘confront’ her. You’ll embarrass yourself.

ForeverAintEnough3 · 04/07/2021 09:54

@pinkbunnylugs

…and not everyone has a “core group of friends”. I’ve moved around a lot and have lots of friends from all over the place so it’s not as simple as you say.
Yes and your friends are your core group of friends. At my hen only 3 people had even met before as I also have friends from everywhere but I’m not super close to my old school friends. I wanted them at my wedding and they wanted me at theirs but we are not close. You would be embarrassing yourself to ‘confront’ a friend who just isn’t that close to you anymore. You need to accept the situation.
DameFanny · 04/07/2021 09:55

@pinkbunnylugs

DameFanny - so what would you do. Go to the wedding or not?
Do you like her? Do you wish her well? Is it worth however much it will cost you in clothes, travel, gift, childcare? Will you enjoy seeing her and the mutual friends?

If this was a person you'd met in the last 11 years, without the initial teenage history, would you be going?

The most graceful thing might be too send a polite excuse, well in advance. Or if you afford the cost and won't find the day uncomfortable, go along as what will probably be a goodbye.

What do you want?

OhWhyDidTheyDoIt · 04/07/2021 09:57

@pinkbunnylugs

OhWhy. Yes I’m very happy for her. Just awkward about the socialising after the ceremony bit.
Well then you just need to decide:

Do I feel too awkward to go?

As a PP said - I think you are just making/have churned this up into a drama. There really is no "hen-wedding politics" as you have put in your thread title.

A few drinks and seeing old friends would probably ease any (possibly imagined) politics. And if it doesn't you just leave early.

Again, you are over-thinking it and have over-dramatised it in your head. No-one is thinking that much about you. Honestly. They will think "Oh, there is pink. Nice to see her".

That is it.

People are too wrapped up in themselves (as you are) to think about the drama/"politics"/imagined slights of someone else. They will not see you and think "Oh, I remember pink and X and Y and she wasn't at the pub on 15th December 2017, and didn't she once date Jason at school...he was a knob". They will be thinking about their shoes hurting, if they can risk taking their spanx off, if their sister's chemo is going OK, if they can afford to replace the boiler, if their favourite song will be played by the DJ, if they want a gin or a lemonade to drink.

You are not that important. Seriously. (Meant kindly even though it may not sound it).

tobedtoMNandfart · 04/07/2021 09:58

I mean this kindly. We all want lots of friends and when we are younger will appease all sorts of people to remain popular.

As I've grown older I have come to realise that my DH is my BF. I have many 'acquaintances'. I would count myself very lucky indeed if I had 2 REAL friends (ring me up in the middle of the night, please come rescue me friends).

Attend the wedding with good grace, wish her well as a fond school friend of many years ... then let the friendship naturally slide.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:58

Thanks Scubadive. My old school friend bunch are all v immature. They live on IG and bitch all the time about everyone and everything. Despite what others (that don’t know me) think on here, I’m not like that.

I don’t want to confront them as I don’t want to achieve anything more. I think I’ll go to the wedding and leave early after the first dance. That May I can congratulate. I’ll hope in the meantime I’m not sat next to certain old friends

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 10:00

Tobed, yes I shall. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to too, with the help from some of the helpful comments here. :)

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 04/07/2021 10:00

👍

Scaredycat87 · 04/07/2021 10:02

Confront her??

Op I don’t think she really considers you remotely a significant part of her life and would probably think “how ridiculous”.

Original poster
pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 10:02

Thanks ohWhy. Perspective is always needed.

OP posts:
bowchicawowwow · 04/07/2021 10:09

I think wedding invites and all the stuff that surrounds a wedding (hen night, bridesmaids, day invite vs evening invite) often throws friendships into sharp focus when previously you might not have given it a lot of thought.

ElderMillennial · 04/07/2021 10:11

OP I think you've responded to the comments really well and taken on board what people have said so not sure why some PPs have to be slightly rude.

Nohomemadecandles · 04/07/2021 10:11

I had 2 friends in my very early 20's. They met through me. We did things together or in pairs and that was fine.

Except it dawned on me that when I was with Julia she bitched about Katherine and when I was with Katherine, she bitched about Julia. Stood to reason they bitched about me when I wasn't there.

I backed away from it. Not my thing. Nothing good was going to come from it.

My advice is to give it space. And not get sucked into the toxicity.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 04/07/2021 10:12

I think you have to acknowledge the hurt to yourself that her friendship means more to you than it does to her.
And move on.

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