Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Old friends hen/wedding politics

86 replies

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 08:08

Hi, I know this isn’t baby related but it’s mum related and really need some impartial advice.

An old school (best) friend is getting married next month (was supposed to be last year) and she just had her hen. I got really upset when I found out about the hen as I didn’t know about it; I kinda new I wouldn’t be invited as we’ve drifted a bit since we left school 10 years ago. I guess I was more hurt as she had 5 other school friends there, one of which has always been more my friend than hers so that hurt.

Back story: we’ve known each other since we were 11 and up until we were 19 were v close. It got weird when around 17 when she got back with a BF who cheated on her and I was quite angry about it. Anyway, we’ve always had joint parties, been on hols together etc. She’s prob the closest friend I’ve ever had (I don’t have many). Anyway, we moved apart after school and I found my DH at 21. She lived the single life in London and while I had kids at 24…I gradually got less and less invited to stuff. You know how it is…she often comes back home to her parents/friends (near me) but rarely asked to meet. It hurt BUT I get it, we were living different lives. I got married at 27 and I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid as I felt a bit betrayed by her. I kinda cocked up my bridesmaid & did end up having loads and some from school as I was in between friend groups/stages and had baby brain planning a wedding with a baby. She came to my hen (15 of us) and my wedding.

So now…I can’t help but feel like it’s time to confront her…maybe not go to her wedding as the idea of it just makes me feel sad and uncomfortable. I feel like she doesn’t give two hoots about me. She didn’t even text me on my 30th in May…

Sorry for the long one. Just looking for advice

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:17

I think you’re right. I’m a very loyal person which in these situations doesn’t work out well for me. I do need to let go.

OP posts:

Brown76 · 04/07/2021 09:18

Your friendship was based on proximity, that is that you saw each other every day as you were at the same school and saw each other every day. It sounds as if she likes you, but you aren’t close anymore so it’s a bit awkward, I think that’s normal and not personal. Just enjoy the wedding and wish her the best, and don’t be too intense about it.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:19

I think there was 8-10. To be honest I really didn’t expect to get an invite - it’s more who was there I guess what was upsetting.

But as some of the comments here have said, I need to let go of it all. I’m bad at that as I’m a v loyal person. I have new friends now but I kind of hoped/thought she was a friend for life: guess not.

OP posts:

Honeybeebloom · 04/07/2021 09:20

I think that maybe because you don't have many friends, you've placed more value on what is effectly a distanced friendship than what she has. She obviously still sees value in your friendship to have invited you to the wedding, but maybe with how little you've seen each other she doesn't feel you have a place at the hen do. If her hen do is made up of closer friends then having someone there that people don't know as well or haven't seen for a long time can totally change the dynamic.

I don't know why you would confront her at all. I can't see anything that she's done wrong. If you want more of a relationship with her then maybe contact her after the wedding to say it would be great to see more of her and then make an effort to do that.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:21

Well I never thought it was because of proximity…I thought we were friends for life. I’ve moved around loads in my life, been to 4 schools, 3 unis. I know friends come and go, I’m not naive. But I guess for her it was proximity

OP posts:

Northofsomewhere · 04/07/2021 09:22

I also don't see anything to confront. She hasn't done you any wrong, the relationship has changed and moved on and you're no longer close. She wants you to come to her wedding (hence the invite) but didn't want you to come to the hen (much more limited numbers) or as a bridesmaid and that's up to her.

She also doesn't need to tell anyone when they're home. I no longer live in my hometown and when I go back it's just to see family and a few (literally 3 or so) really old and still good friends. While I might accept an invite from someone I'm not as close with it would only be if I didn't already have plans, I wouldn't plan anything like that months in advance.

I do think your attitude to this relationship is stuck in secondary school a bit, the bit about my friend not hers is very childish. If you don't want to go to her wedding because you seemingly don't feel included or wanted enough then fine but don't blame her for it. You need to move on from this relationship, it's changed and either you can accept you'll see her very occasionally or you just drop it altogether.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:22

Thanks for the advice x

OP posts:

Doghead · 04/07/2021 09:23

A friendship works both ways. Doesn't sound like you've been much of a friend and now you're trying to cast it all onto her. You decided not to have her as a bridesmaid. How do you think she might've felt.

It sounds very much like you think her world should revolve around you and your needs. It doesn't. You're just as much to blame for the friendship filtering out.

You need to move on.

LawnFever · 04/07/2021 09:23

@pinkbunnylugs

I think you’re right. I’m a very loyal person which in these situations doesn’t work out well for me. I do need to let go.

But you didn’t ask her to be your bridesmaid, so weren’t very loyal to this old friendship then?

MareMare · 04/07/2021 09:24

@pinkbunnylugs

I think there was 8-10. To be honest I really didn’t expect to get an invite - it’s more who was there I guess what was upsetting.

I wouldn’t describe it as ‘loyalty’, more that you’ve been hanging on to a vision of this friendship which hasn’t actually matched reality for years now. It’s possible to honour what you once had and let it go.

Honeybeebloom · 04/07/2021 09:25

Have crossed posted with your update.
I really don't understand your thinking, you didn't expect an invite so what is the issue? And you can still have distant friends who you have as friends in that capacity for life.

A girl I grew up with and was one of my really close friends for much of my childhood wasn't invited to my hen do. She moved away and we will meet up sometimes when she's back but not always. She was at my wedding though. We don't talk regularly but it's great when we do meet up. Sometimes it's even once every couple of years. That's what our friendship is now. It's not my closest one but we have a lot of history together and I love seeing her when we do. I can very easily see us continuing our friendship in this way for the rest of our lives, as we've already been doing it for about 15 years since we 'drifted'.

notanothertakeaway · 04/07/2021 09:26

Friendships wax and wane. It doesn't appear that you are particularly close now, but she invited you to the wedding, which suggests you are still quite important, albeit not the inner circle

Your friend has done nothing wrong. she can socialise with whoever she likes

It's upsetting to realise you like someone more than they like you, but that's life. It doesn't mean they have behaved badly

peboh · 04/07/2021 09:26

So you're angry at someone you aren't close with anymore, because she went to a hen party you weren't invited to? Get a bloody grip.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:26

Haha lol ok. Yes I think her world should revolve around me 🙄🙄🙄

It’s v hard to know the context from an online forum. I did my best to explain…so perhaps try and assume I’m not a bitch…that would be much for helpful.

OP posts:

ThePlantsitter · 04/07/2021 09:28

Urg to be honest op with the bitching and the ganging up it sounds like these relationships have still got the dynamics they had at school. You don't need that shit in your life. If you go to the wedding there's a chance things will pick up later on when your lives change again. If you don't that seems unlikely (but is possible). If you don't want to go because you think these 'friends' will be excluding and bitchy just don't. You don't have to put up with that shit as an adult.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 04/07/2021 09:28

I'm pretty sure you started any potential point scoring or animosity when you didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid but had loads of them? You didn't include her and she hasn't included you, I really don't see what your issue is.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:29

Thanks. I didn’t feel I wanted her to be my bridesmaid because she was rude about my DH when I first met him…

The more I write the more I realise that she’s really not a friend. Clearly I need to let go. It’s hard though.

OP posts:

RealhousewifeofStoke · 04/07/2021 09:31

Nobody has been rude to you OP.
You clearly feel very wronged here.
Don’t go to the wedding. Avoid bad feeling and move on. You have no reason to confront her. Your friendship has run it’s course.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:32

Thanks the Plantsitter. (Just realised my replies aren’t actually tagging accounts 🤦‍♀️). Yes what you say is exactly what my husband says…I’m not sure why I’m finding it so hard to let go!
As for many of the comment on here assuming I’m some dickhead or wants revenge or something…is just ridiculous. I’m not like that at all. Hence why i’m not sure whether to go to the wedding as all the other school friends are very much like that

OP posts:

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 04/07/2021 09:34

You’re not that close any more. You didn’t have her as a bridesmaid even though you had loads. What’s to confront?

MareMare · 04/07/2021 09:34

@pinkbunnylugs

Thanks. I didn’t feel I wanted her to be my bridesmaid because she was rude about my DH when I first met him…

The more I write the more I realise that she’s really not a friend. Clearly I need to let go. It’s hard though.

Well, you said you were ‘angry’ when she got back together with a boyfriend who cheated on her, so it sounds as if you both expressed unpopular opinions about one another’s boyfriends in your late teens and early 20s.

ForeverAintEnough3 · 04/07/2021 09:35

@pinkbunnylugs

Thank you so much for a considered and emphatic answer; unlike a few of these replies which are just rude and inconsiderate. I think you’re right

Also known as I think I’m right and only posted on AIBU to get people who think the same.

YABU. You’re not close. You didn’t invite her to be your bridesmaid. You invited her to your hen and wedding. Time has passed. She invited you to her wedding.

It’s totally normal and you’re being childish. I invited two old school friends to my wedding but not my hen as I am very fond of them but they’re not my core group of friends. They both came. I also went to their weddings but not the hens. If they’d invited me to the hen I would’ve gone but again were not super close more bonded by our old friendship so it didn’t bother me. I don’t even really remember when their birthday is so I definitely didn’t text on their 30th. If I saw them now we’d have a lovely chat.

You need to grow up and accept that people and friendships evolve. It’s how adults act. They don’t start confronting people and bitching away.

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:36

Thanks North of Somehwere. You’re right they’re the two choices.
It sounds childish how I wrote it…I meant that whenever the friend who went to the hen sees the bride, she bitches about her to me…so assumed the weren’t close. That’s what I meant.

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:38

ForeverAint. This isn’t about wrong or right it’s obviously complicated and has intricacies that are impossible to explain on a online forum. I run many support groups on Facebook and I think you have to assume the best of someone from a comment or a topic that they’re talking about unless they’re obviously being rude…which I’m not. I’m asking for help…I expect that. Not rude comments…

OP posts:

Original poster

pinkbunnylugs · 04/07/2021 09:39

…and not everyone has a “core group of friends”. I’ve moved around a lot and have lots of friends from all over the place so it’s not as simple as you say.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread