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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to limit visits to 3 nights?

83 replies

QueenKit · 03/07/2021 19:32

Bracing myself, but want to hear other perspectives on this...

DP's parents are super-keen GPs - love spending time with the kids, do loads with them. They have always come to stay around every 6 weeks - and for a while (easily a year or more) it was for a full week every six weeks Shock. This was WAY too much for me and it made me a bad host/DIL - I came to dread their visits and was noticeably tense/irritable around them. It got to the point where I had to speak to DP about scaling it back to a level I could cope with, so it became more like 4-5 days at a time. This has definitely improved matters and our relationship, but I still find myself gritting my teeth for a lot of their stay (they are quite 'full on' and FIL in particular doesn't know when to stop teasing the kids). With lockdown then they haven't been for a year, although we've been there a couple of times - including about a month ago.

With lockdown easing & school holidays on the horizon we are planning for them to come up again. I have suggested 3 nights Fri-Mon. They're about 4-5 hours away so it seems a reasonable amount to stay for the distance travelled. They would arrive after lunch on Friday and could stay till Mon late afternoon/early evening, but for whatever reason always leave after breakfast. So DP has suggested they stay Monday night as well. My thinking is they could stay for the day on Monday if they want to spend longer with the kids, rather than add another night on. It's light till late so I don't think it's an issue with wanting not to drive long distances in the dark. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as IL visits got so emotive not so long ago. I know DP feels torn between me wanting to keep to shorter visits & his parents wanting to stay longer, and I feel bad but also want to stick to the boundaries I feel comfortable with.

For reference, we don't have any other relatives who visit for anywhere near as long. My sister or dad will visit for the day or very occasionally a night (although they are nearer). When my mum was alive they'd stay for a few days, but in a nearby hotel. Also, we're going down to them (ILs) later in the holidays, and no doubt will be back to six-weekly visits if everything goes back to normal.

AIBU to stick to 3 nights?

OP posts:
Bksjshsbbev2737 · 03/07/2021 19:34

I feel the same as you about visits like that; 3 nights is my maximum before I crave my own time and space: they do are you quite a bit so I don’t think it’s unfair

wanderedlonelyasacloud · 03/07/2021 19:36

Surely 3 nights is more than enough!

You're a better woman than me, I get antsy after about 2 hours with my in laws

Kitkat151 · 03/07/2021 19:36

It’s up to you...either you want them to stay or you don’t..,your choice

tobedtoMNandfart · 03/07/2021 19:37

@wanderedlonelyasacloud

Surely 3 nights is more than enough!

You're a better woman than me, I get antsy after about 2 hours with my in laws

^^ This. With bells on.
Notaroadrunner · 03/07/2021 19:43

I've never had mine stay even 3 nights - 2 would be most. Just insist on 3 nights or tell dp to tell them that they can stay in a nearby hotel, like your family used to, if they wish to stay longer.

landoflostcontent · 03/07/2021 19:43

As the visits are restarting after a long break it would be the ideal time to establish the boundaries and invite them as you suggest from Friday to Monday. If they start back with the longer visits you will find it harder to reduce the length.

Original poster
QueenKit · 03/07/2021 19:57

@Kitkat151

It’s up to you...either you want them to stay or you don’t..,your choice
Well, not really - they're DP's parents so he does get a say as well.

Glad I'm NBU so far!

OP posts:
Essentialironingwater · 03/07/2021 20:11

If DP wants them to stay longer he should do the majority of the hosting legwork or perhaps you could take the opportunity of him having extra support with the kids and go and visit friends/family?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really but if they are getting on a bit and there is a way you can facilitate him seeing more of them without it driving you round the bend I think that's worth exploring.

We see my in laws several times a week, mostly because they do loads of childcare (for which I'm so grateful!) and I went through a period of not wanting to see them as it gets tedious and boring, but my fear is that when they're gone my husband will resent me for standing in the way of their relationship so now I mix it up with suggesting he meets them alone half the time, sometimes at their house I disappear with a book and have a bath (we don't have one and they don't seem to mind!) ...etc.

Rosebel · 03/07/2021 20:28

So you are okay with them staying until fairly late on Monday but leaving straight after breakfast on Tuesday is too much.
It's only a few extra hours as for most of the time you'd be asleep so I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I think your real issue is the visits every six weeks. I think you need to cut that down and then when you do see them it'll be easier. Just say you are busy or rundown or something so you don't have to see them so often.

MaryShelley1818 · 03/07/2021 20:36

I would be extremely upset if my husband tried to stop me spending time with my parents (or dictate less time), I just can't imagine that ever happening. I see my mam several times a week and my children see both sets of Grandparents weekly and have such a strong bond with them.

What do the other members of the family want? Must everyone else miss out (DH, his parents, the children) just because you don't want them there an extra night or two. I'd be upset about you telling them what time they need to drive home too, surely they decide if they'd prefer morning or afternoon or evening driving, 5hrs is a long drive.

EssentialHummus · 03/07/2021 20:38

What’s that thing about guests and fish?

Yanbu.

Applesandpears23 · 03/07/2021 20:41

Can you have a weekend away whilst they look after the kids?

Eleoura · 03/07/2021 20:45

I'd re-set the boundaries and suggest the hotel! They won't be as keen to stay more than 3 nights.

Do they strip their beds, help out, contribute to meals etc? 1 weekend every 6 weeks would be FAR too much for me. I cannot believe you coped with more!

Devon1987 · 03/07/2021 20:51

Fuck that, 3 nights max. I assume you wait in them hand door and finger when they are with you and do most the hosting. It’s your home too
The FIL comment sounds worrying, does he need to be reminded that teasing kids is really bully behaviour?

PerseverancePays · 03/07/2021 20:51

@EssentialHummus

What’s that thing about guests and fish?

Yanbu.

Guests are like fish; after two days they smell.
girlmom21 · 03/07/2021 20:59

YADNBU. 3 nights makes you a hero in my eyes. I couldn't manage 1!

Taliskerskye · 03/07/2021 21:01

Well if someone told me how long my parents could stay I would tell them to get to fuck.

BusyLizzie61 · 03/07/2021 21:04

Personally if I was going to drive for 4 to 5 hours, then I wouldn't want to only stay 3 nights. That's effectively 10 hours driving and noone wants to do that after a full on day leaving in the evening. Nor is it particularly safe to do so.i presumenthatbyou never do the whole 5 hours drive yourself as opposed to your oh driving you?
I think given the distance, yabu. And need to either offer or 5 nights or suggest they then move to a hotel. But tbh that will and should go down like a lead balloon.

WetWeekends · 03/07/2021 21:04

@Essentialironingwater

If DP wants them to stay longer he should do the majority of the hosting legwork or perhaps you could take the opportunity of him having extra support with the kids and go and visit friends/family?

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable really but if they are getting on a bit and there is a way you can facilitate him seeing more of them without it driving you round the bend I think that's worth exploring.

We see my in laws several times a week, mostly because they do loads of childcare (for which I'm so grateful!) and I went through a period of not wanting to see them as it gets tedious and boring, but my fear is that when they're gone my husband will resent me for standing in the way of their relationship so now I mix it up with suggesting he meets them alone half the time, sometimes at their house I disappear with a book and have a bath (we don't have one and they don't seem to mind!) ...etc.

Are you serious? This is hilarious, you visit your in laws for the day and have a bath at theirs to avoid having to spend time with them? Or have I misunderstood?
Original poster
QueenKit · 03/07/2021 21:05

@Rosebel

So you are okay with them staying until fairly late on Monday but leaving straight after breakfast on Tuesday is too much. It's only a few extra hours as for most of the time you'd be asleep so I wouldn't have a problem with it. I think your real issue is the visits every six weeks. I think you need to cut that down and then when you do see them it'll be easier. Just say you are busy or rundown or something so you don't have to see them so often.
I do see the logic of Tuesday morning not being much different to Monday night. I think it's because limiting the stay to 3 nights makes its easier to 'grin & bear it' as I can tell myself it's not much longer. Also, I think feeling like I have some control over timings means I feel more able to cope with the irritation as at least I've been able to assert some boundaries (although I realise that doesn't sound great and I know I can be a bit of a control freak)
OP posts:
RandomCatGenerator · 03/07/2021 21:05

Four nights every six weeks? In your house rather than in a local hotel or caravan in the garden? Bloody hell.

YANBU. Agree now is a good time to re set boundaries.

You never go to them? You’d have more control over timing if you did.

Blossomtoes · 03/07/2021 21:09

So you are okay with them staying until fairly late on Monday but leaving straight after breakfast on Tuesday is too much.It's only a few extra hours as for most of the time you'd be asleep so I wouldn't have a problem with it.

My thoughts too, I can’t see that it makes much difference. Mind you, I’d rather eat my own liver than spend three days and four nights with my dil, I’d be desperate to go home by Sunday.

Original poster
QueenKit · 03/07/2021 21:10

@Taliskerskye

Well if someone told me how long my parents could stay I would tell them to get to fuck.
Really? You'd have no concern how your partner felt about it?
OP posts:
Xyzzzzz · 03/07/2021 21:10

YANBU. I dislike overnight guests.

Branleuse · 03/07/2021 21:13

considering the frequency of the visits, then 3 days is plenty. I dont think I could even cope with that. Its every single half term

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