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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to limit visits to 3 nights?

83 replies

QueenKit · 03/07/2021 19:32

Bracing myself, but want to hear other perspectives on this...

DP's parents are super-keen GPs - love spending time with the kids, do loads with them. They have always come to stay around every 6 weeks - and for a while (easily a year or more) it was for a full week every six weeks Shock. This was WAY too much for me and it made me a bad host/DIL - I came to dread their visits and was noticeably tense/irritable around them. It got to the point where I had to speak to DP about scaling it back to a level I could cope with, so it became more like 4-5 days at a time. This has definitely improved matters and our relationship, but I still find myself gritting my teeth for a lot of their stay (they are quite 'full on' and FIL in particular doesn't know when to stop teasing the kids). With lockdown then they haven't been for a year, although we've been there a couple of times - including about a month ago.

With lockdown easing & school holidays on the horizon we are planning for them to come up again. I have suggested 3 nights Fri-Mon. They're about 4-5 hours away so it seems a reasonable amount to stay for the distance travelled. They would arrive after lunch on Friday and could stay till Mon late afternoon/early evening, but for whatever reason always leave after breakfast. So DP has suggested they stay Monday night as well. My thinking is they could stay for the day on Monday if they want to spend longer with the kids, rather than add another night on. It's light till late so I don't think it's an issue with wanting not to drive long distances in the dark. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as IL visits got so emotive not so long ago. I know DP feels torn between me wanting to keep to shorter visits & his parents wanting to stay longer, and I feel bad but also want to stick to the boundaries I feel comfortable with.

For reference, we don't have any other relatives who visit for anywhere near as long. My sister or dad will visit for the day or very occasionally a night (although they are nearer). When my mum was alive they'd stay for a few days, but in a nearby hotel. Also, we're going down to them (ILs) later in the holidays, and no doubt will be back to six-weekly visits if everything goes back to normal.

AIBU to stick to 3 nights?

OP posts:
EL8888 · 03/07/2021 22:58

3 nights is too much. I’m really not a fan of house guests at the best of times but for this duration and frequency l would be annoyed. As Benjamin Franklin said “guests like fish, begin to smell after 3 days”. So 2 nights is enough. It’s hard to relax with guests and even after 1 night my mum gets on my nerves

FakeColinCaterpillar · 03/07/2021 23:20

YANBU and it goes the same for staying at others as well. We were 5 hours from PIL so DH wanted ‘good value’ for all the travelling. We once went for 9 DAYS. I’m still traumatised 20 years later. DH suggested we do that at least once a year and I explained how divorce worked.
2 nights if you are just seeing them, 3 if you are out a lot of the house (and for Christmas). PILs also came to ours for a short visit but FIL suggests they just stay for a week or two. I told DH no and honestly FIL was really offended, but my nerves couldn’t even take another day.

EL8888 · 03/07/2021 23:30

@FakeColinCaterpillar my then in-laws wanted stay for 3 weeks!!!! They didn’t discuss this mind, they just announced it. Then were put out that my then husband was in America for a good week or so of it for a conference. MIL said can’t they change the conference?! What, to affect 100’s of people for 2 people with terrible manners?

FakeColinCaterpillar · 03/07/2021 23:39

@EL8888 FIL loved staying at ours because I can cook, MIL hated it though (partly because I could cook).
3 weeks - I’d leave the country.

EL8888 · 03/07/2021 23:59

@FakeColinCaterpillar weirdly l can cook and my ex MIL can’t! I don’t think she knows can’t though. Everyone else does though

FakeColinCaterpillar · 04/07/2021 00:07

@EL8888 mine either, she liked her food that way 🤢

OliviaNewtAndJohn · 04/07/2021 00:14

If your DH (and you) work Mon-Fri and kids are school age, Fri-Mom seems logical and is a ‘long weekend.’ If you are SAH, say Monday is your laundry/gym/visit to psychic day/20km hike day, Monday dinner is cheap frozen pizza, and that logically Monday is the best departure day.

HeddaGarbled · 04/07/2021 00:15

YANBU, but I can understand why they would prefer to do such a long drive during the day rather than in the late afternoon/evening. Don’t forget, they’re older than you and won’t have your energy level.

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 00:16

@HeddaGarbled

YANBU, but I can understand why they would prefer to do such a long drive during the day rather than in the late afternoon/evening. Don’t forget, they’re older than you and won’t have your energy level.
Then they could leave Monday morning.
tobedtoMNandfart · 04/07/2021 09:36

@Taliskerskye

Well if someone told me how long my parents could stay I would tell them to get to fuck.
Charming!
Hadtocomment · 04/07/2021 13:35

I don't think you are unreasonable. I do think that longer days tension and tiredness can mount and I think there is also an advantage to shorter stays where everything goes really well and everyone gets along rather than longer stays which might end up with people snapping at each other or some tension that makes the next visit looked forward to less enjoyably. In other words I don't think it's just selfish to want to keep thing shorter but sunnier if you see what I mean and I'm the same. I think I feel more pressure to make sure people are happy and ok and for two or three days I can be absolutely lovely and fantastic. And then suddenly I crash! I think it is partly my fault but I also think there there are just these societal pressures and expectations on women more sometimes that we can even internalise...

I do see it from their point of view too though and about the driving issue. I wonder if either you can say you either want shorter visits like a long weekend or if they are going to be longer - then less frequent? And if that doesn't work out for whatever reason and the kids and your partner are really keen but you're not so happy about it - how about using it as an opportunity to have some time to yourself to do other things? Go out, see friends or just have some time to yourself? If this feels rude you don't have to avoid them but maybe just schedule in things you've been dying to do then that you can't due to childcare or whatever for when they come to break it up a bit for you so it doesn't feel like a long stretch of nights. Maybe then you'd feel a bit more in control and refreshed too? But I don't think you're being unreasonable no. I totally get what you're saying.

Garraty47 · 04/07/2021 14:14

I would absolutely hate that. I'm not a fan of overnight guests at all in our small house, and 3 days would be my limit.

Why can't DH take the kids to visit them?

MiloAndEddie · 04/07/2021 14:23

I think the 5 hour journey is actually pretty key. If you lived 2 hours up the road I’d be with you but I think 10 hours travelling for a couple of days is a lot.
Do you work? If you’re out at work does it really matter if they stay Monday night too?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/07/2021 14:26

@Backtomyoldname

Teasing…..

I’m not sure how old tour children are ( either you didn’t say or I’ve missed it]

However they are a year + older now and might not respond in the same way as before? (And by the sounds of it your weren’t impressed.)

Now might be your chance to set out some gentle ground rules for FIL’s interactions with your children. Explaining that they are a year older, not seen them properly for a while etc etc.

I agree with this - and I think you have every right, as the parent, to say “That’s enough teasing FIL!” - be polite but firm, and if necessary, remove the children from the situation (distract them to a different activity, for example).
Blackwidow47 · 04/07/2021 14:30

Wow I’d be really unpopular as I’m a great 24hr hostess, then it’s please sod off now I need to decompress and regain my house!

I think 3 nights is perfectly fine and I’d be cautious as any flexing of rules could see you back to week long visits sooner rather than later.

maddening · 04/07/2021 14:32

Or you could also go over on a Saturday to see them, stay 1 night and leave the dc with them for the week and go back the Saturday after for a night and come back with the dc.

Snog · 04/07/2021 14:57

Why don't you go away for some of the visits and stay with friends or family and let DH spend quality time with the DC and his parents?

Firsttimecatlady · 04/07/2021 15:03

@Snog

Why don't you go away for some of the visits and stay with friends or family and let DH spend quality time with the DC and his parents?
This is just what I was going to suggest! Regular visits like that shift the relationship- you shouldn’t be expected to ‘host’ in the same way as you would if they only came a couple of times a year. Make plans and carry on as you would normally do if they weren’t there. An evening out with friends, and yep, even be away for one of their visits. Message is- “you’re welcome regularly, but you need to fit around our lives!”
BellaIsle · 04/07/2021 19:41

Time to re-think now that things are picking up post COVID.

Planning what this looks like over a year might help.

They come to you, you go to them. You take the kids to them/they come to you and you and DH have some time away. Mix it up a bit.

Planned longer term this might work.

Essentialironingwater · 05/07/2021 12:41

@WetWeekends yes. Seriously. I actually really love my in laws but I'm introverted and we tend to go for a drink twice a week and quite often stay over at the weekend too. I will disappear off mid morning on a Sunday and have a bath and read a book alone to have a break from people. We don't have a bath at the moment and it means they get 1:1 time with their son. I also sometimes send him alone, etc.

Maggiesfarm · 05/07/2021 12:48

Three nights sounds reasonable to me but surely you don't have to 'entertain' them all the time when they stay, they can do things for you and with the children on their own for a while.

I have to say they do sound very nice so please tread carefully and try to reach a compromise, ie you want a three night stay, maybe husband wants them to stay for a week, result being four nights (sometimes).

You'll get there.

SerendipitySunshine · 05/07/2021 12:54

I'd let them stay until Tuesday morning - better for them travelling and doesn't make any difference really for you. Maybe you and DH could have a night out on the Monday so they could have a last night with the kids?

VickyEadieofThigh · 05/07/2021 12:57

@Bksjshsbbev2737

I feel the same as you about visits like that; 3 nights is my maximum before I crave my own time and space: they do are you quite a bit so I don’t think it’s unfair
We've been on a '3 nights maximum for any guests, even really close friends who we love spending time with' at our house for some years.

If we have people any longer, I start getting very tetchy indeed and long for them to leave.

Holly60 · 05/07/2021 13:02

[quote Essentialironingwater]@WetWeekends yes. Seriously. I actually really love my in laws but I'm introverted and we tend to go for a drink twice a week and quite often stay over at the weekend too. I will disappear off mid morning on a Sunday and have a bath and read a book alone to have a break from people. We don't have a bath at the moment and it means they get 1:1 time with their son. I also sometimes send him alone, etc.[/quote]
I think that’s lovely. And as a DMIL I can tell you that your DPILs will love the fact you feel so comfortable you can do that. They will just love that you are happy to be part of their lives and include them in yours. My DSIL snd DDIL both know that they are to treat my house as their own and do whatever they feel like doing. I love that they come in and feel comfortable to just relax

tallduckandhandsome · 05/07/2021 13:05

YANBU, as pp said, this is an ideal time to reduce the frequency.

Who do they stay so often? My MIL stays twice a year and that's a lot. Can't them every quarter?

Who cooks and cleans and changes sheets? Make sure DH does it.

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