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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to limit visits to 3 nights?

83 replies

QueenKit · 03/07/2021 19:32

Bracing myself, but want to hear other perspectives on this...

DP's parents are super-keen GPs - love spending time with the kids, do loads with them. They have always come to stay around every 6 weeks - and for a while (easily a year or more) it was for a full week every six weeks Shock. This was WAY too much for me and it made me a bad host/DIL - I came to dread their visits and was noticeably tense/irritable around them. It got to the point where I had to speak to DP about scaling it back to a level I could cope with, so it became more like 4-5 days at a time. This has definitely improved matters and our relationship, but I still find myself gritting my teeth for a lot of their stay (they are quite 'full on' and FIL in particular doesn't know when to stop teasing the kids). With lockdown then they haven't been for a year, although we've been there a couple of times - including about a month ago.

With lockdown easing & school holidays on the horizon we are planning for them to come up again. I have suggested 3 nights Fri-Mon. They're about 4-5 hours away so it seems a reasonable amount to stay for the distance travelled. They would arrive after lunch on Friday and could stay till Mon late afternoon/early evening, but for whatever reason always leave after breakfast. So DP has suggested they stay Monday night as well. My thinking is they could stay for the day on Monday if they want to spend longer with the kids, rather than add another night on. It's light till late so I don't think it's an issue with wanting not to drive long distances in the dark. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as IL visits got so emotive not so long ago. I know DP feels torn between me wanting to keep to shorter visits & his parents wanting to stay longer, and I feel bad but also want to stick to the boundaries I feel comfortable with.

For reference, we don't have any other relatives who visit for anywhere near as long. My sister or dad will visit for the day or very occasionally a night (although they are nearer). When my mum was alive they'd stay for a few days, but in a nearby hotel. Also, we're going down to them (ILs) later in the holidays, and no doubt will be back to six-weekly visits if everything goes back to normal.

AIBU to stick to 3 nights?

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 03/07/2021 21:15

YANBU , 3 nights is plenty and it’s entirely their choice to leave after breakfast or make a day of it and leave later .

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 03/07/2021 21:15

we have a Hungarian saying "no matter how lovely the guest, 3 days of them are plenty!"
🤣

Zari29 · 03/07/2021 21:16

Why are they coming so often? A 3 night stay every six weeks is just too much, stifling in fact. I wouldn't be happy at all with such an arrangement

BusyLizzie61 · 03/07/2021 21:16

@Branleuse

considering the frequency of the visits, then 3 days is plenty. I dont think I could even cope with that. Its every single half term
That frequency was 2019. We're now 2021. Ps at this point, totally different. Hence it's unreasonable imo to shorten this time in this manner, given the time commitment and cost.
QueenBee52 · 03/07/2021 21:19

Crivens OP you have my sympathies .. 🌸

Blanca87 · 03/07/2021 21:20

Every 6 weeks is too much and 3 days is plenty. Do you both work full time? Does your DP do most of the hosting?

Rewis · 03/07/2021 21:24

I don't think it's that simple that you decide. When they visit, are you expected to host and be home or can you do your own thing? Does your partner enjoy the visits? Does he do majority of the hosting? Could you pay for the hotel?

I wouldn't be happy if my partner told me that my family was only allowed to visit x times for x days because they could tolerate them for that time. However, I also wouldn't exepect my patner to cancel his life for that week.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/07/2021 21:29

As its likely they will be planning to become very regular visitors again 3 nights is enough.

If they came once or twice a year I'd be with your husband.

If FIL doesn't know when to stop teasing your children will be on your side soon enough. Men like that are horrible and really mess with a sensitive child's self-esteem.

Squirrelblanket · 03/07/2021 21:30

I think 3 nights for any guests is a night too long for me, however 4-5 hours is a long drive and I don't know how old they are which might change things.

However I will say that when we go somewhere we always leave after breakfast. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day knowing I had a long journey to do later. So I wouldn't count the Monday as 'a day' no matter how generous you think you're being.

Adifferentstory2 · 03/07/2021 21:34

I think it’s reasonable but a really difficult one to manage (given they’re super engaged etc). I would however have your parent gently address some of the teasing etc. Not ok. My parents were the same and I’ve had to step in ‘I don’t think XYZ is enjoying the teasing, shall we go and do something else’ or ‘xyz, if you’re not enjoying that you can tell grandad to stop’. You’re other half would probably need to lead on this. Families - always something!

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 03/07/2021 21:42

When do you work?

Friday to Monday fits in with working time surely?

DDiva · 03/07/2021 21:43

I get you're trying to limit the time and it's your house too so your opinion matters. However you do seem a bit hung up on this extra night, I dont see it making such a massive difference. I can completely see why someone, particularly an older person might not want to start a 4-5 hour journey at the end of the day/ rush hour.

RandomMess · 03/07/2021 21:43

Is your DH taking Monday and Tuesday morning off to host them?

Original poster
QueenKit · 03/07/2021 21:57

@DDiva

I get you're trying to limit the time and it's your house too so your opinion matters. However you do seem a bit hung up on this extra night, I dont see it making such a massive difference. I can completely see why someone, particularly an older person might not want to start a 4-5 hour journey at the end of the day/ rush hour.
Yes, I probably am a bit hung up on it. After ages of feeling pained in the face of week long visits, I think I feel the need to draw a line and stand by it :/ Probably unreasonably so...
OP posts:
Original poster
QueenKit · 03/07/2021 21:58

@RandomMess

Is your DH taking Monday and Tuesday morning off to host them?
He doesn't 'host' them. They are v self sufficient when visiting so he generally leaves them to their own devices during the days
OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/07/2021 22:04

Well they aren't being so self sufficient that they don't get in your way/hype the kids up?

RandomMess · 03/07/2021 22:05

TBH I think the 3 night rule should be enforced world wide 😂

Not sure I could last more than 4 days with anyone but my DH!

LocalHobo · 03/07/2021 22:11

You and DH can use their visits as an opportunity to have an evening out, you can have a night out and give DH some alone time with them. I think you are lucky to have hands-on, involved GP's.

mickeysminnie · 03/07/2021 22:22

Why not agree 4 nights but only one vist every 3 months. Which is plenty!

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 03/07/2021 22:25

I agree with others that 3 nights is plenty.
Yu also be much happier if you butted in and stopped your FIL from teasing so much. Teasing kids and pushing it to far sets me on edge too.
This is a great time to reset the number and length of visits. We have done this, going from hosting my mother every Sunday all day, inclding a full roast dinner, to every other week. Much more enjoyable, I see her in the week too.

Backtomyoldname · 03/07/2021 22:30

Teasing…..

I’m not sure how old tour children are ( either you didn’t say or I’ve missed it]

However they are a year + older now and might not respond in the same way as before? (And by the sounds of it your weren’t impressed.)

Now might be your chance to set out some gentle ground rules for FIL’s interactions with your children. Explaining that they are a year older, not seen them properly for a while etc etc.

RaginaFalangi · 03/07/2021 22:31

I'm in a similar situation, my mil lives a bit more away tho. Need to get a 3hr ferry and then a 5-6 hrs drive.

I can cope a few days but then I start to get really annoyed. They always used to assume we would allow them to stay instead of maybe asking would you mind if we stayed? They now don't as we have no room thankfully. Mil just gets on my nerves the way she says somethings and I really need to bite my tongue so I just leave the room and let dp deal with her. They usually stay for a week at a time and have been down twice in the last month and plan on coming back in a few weeks.

So no I don't think yabu because I know how you feel.

CasaBonita · 03/07/2021 22:38

This makes me realise how lucky I am to have pretty disinterested in-laws!

No way could I cope with people overstaying their welcome every six weeks.

Cherrysoup · 03/07/2021 22:43

3 nights is my absolute max to be a guest or have guests. YANBU.

breadbinbaby · 03/07/2021 22:58

Currently have mine for three weeks (I was not consulted). You have my sympathies Wine

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