To want to limit visits to 3 nights?

[QueenKit]

Bracing myself, but want to hear other perspectives on this...

DP's parents are super-keen GPs - love spending time with the kids, do loads with them. They have always come to stay around every 6 weeks - and for a while (easily a year or more) it was for a full week every six weeks . This was WAY too much for me and it made me a bad host/DIL - I came to dread their visits and was noticeably tense/irritable around them. It got to the point where I had to speak to DP about scaling it back to a level I could cope with, so it became more like 4-5 days at a time. This has definitely improved matters and our relationship, but I still find myself gritting my teeth for a lot of their stay (they are quite 'full on' and FIL in particular doesn't know when to stop teasing the kids). With lockdown then they haven't been for a year, although we've been there a couple of times - including about a month ago.

With lockdown easing & school holidays on the horizon we are planning for them to come up again. I have suggested 3 nights Fri-Mon. They're about 4-5 hours away so it seems a reasonable amount to stay for the distance travelled. They would arrive after lunch on Friday and could stay till Mon late afternoon/early evening, but for whatever reason always leave after breakfast. So DP has suggested they stay Monday night as well. My thinking is they could stay for the day on Monday if they want to spend longer with the kids, rather than add another night on. It's light till late so I don't think it's an issue with wanting not to drive long distances in the dark. But I don't know if I'm being unreasonable as IL visits got so emotive not so long ago. I know DP feels torn between me wanting to keep to shorter visits & his parents wanting to stay longer, and I feel bad but also want to stick to the boundaries I feel comfortable with.

For reference, we don't have any other relatives who visit for anywhere near as long. My sister or dad will visit for the day or very occasionally a night (although they are nearer). When my mum was alive they'd stay for a few days, but in a nearby hotel. Also, we're going down to them (ILs) later in the holidays, and no doubt will be back to six-weekly visits if everything goes back to normal.

AIBU to stick to 3 nights?

Also, 3 days is moooooore than enough. Put your foot down.

I think that’s lovely. And as a DMIL I can tell you that your DPILs will love the fact you feel so comfortable you can do that. They will just love that you are happy to be part of their lives and include them in yours. My DSIL snd DDIL both know that they are to treat my house as their own and do whatever they feel like doing. I love that they come in and feel comfortable to just relax

Completely agree. It’s the ultimate compliment.

3 days is plenty.

And to all the “no one dictates my time with my family” crew, that’s fine if you choose to live alone.

If you choose to cohabit with a partner, spouse, have children, it’s not actually all about you. You’re part of a other unit/family and the other people get a say as well. Expecting things all your way is selfish and inconsiderate.

@BusyLizzie61

Personally if I was going to drive for 4 to 5 hours, then I wouldn't want to only stay 3 nights. That's effectively 10 hours driving and noone wants to do that after a full on day leaving in the evening. Nor is it particularly safe to do so.i presumenthatbyou never do the whole 5 hours drive yourself as opposed to your oh driving you? I think given the distance, yabu. And need to either offer or 5 nights or suggest they then move to a hotel. But tbh that will and should go down like a lead balloon.

Not safe? WTAF? Glad the hauliers who bring vital good to you and me don't take that stance. FFS. I drive from Glasgow to London on my own to see friends and stay 3 nights. Safely.

The teasing would have to stop. FIL used to do this and DH had to be very clear with him about stopping it. BIL did, too, but I put a stop to it as DS is neurodivergent and it winds him up too much.

3 nights max. I would say leave on Monday morning as then it’s all during non work time (sorry if you’ve said someone works shifts and I’ve missed it).

Also, no teasing full stop. It’s really damaging to kids.

3 nights is generous but I have become allergic to overnight guests since having children.

Am having 6 in a couple of weeks for 1 or 2 nights and that will be me done for quite a while.

I feel your pain OP and absolutely agree that 3 nights is the maximum guests should stay for.

We've just had MIL here for 5 nights and it was an endurance test. She's a very difficult and spiteful woman who has little interest in our children. Covid bought us a year of respite and to be very honest I don't want her in my house again BUT she's my husbands mother so I have to grin and bear her rude and insulting presence for his sake. Thankfully he isn't blind to her faults and I leave all entertaining, etc to him.

That would absolutely do my head in. Stick to your guns