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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DS hasn't done anything wrong?

117 replies

overthi · 02/07/2021 10:55

I've name changed for this.

DS is 15, he's been dating a girl (14) for a few weeks. The girl is in year 9 and he's year 10. A girl fancies DS and she's not happy with him being in a relationship. She added him and his girlfriend to a group the other day and called him a creep for dating a girl in the year below and that its wrong as he'll be 16 soon and she's not 15 until next year (her parents know about the relationship and don't mind or think its wrong!).

DS asked her why she likes him if she thinks he's a creep, she didn't have an answer to that and carried on calling him a creep and said she's surprised he's not dating a girl in year 7 as he likes ‘young girls’. He told her politely to leave him alone as she was annoying him and he was busy.

She then started calling his girlfriend a slag and saying DS can do better than her, which obviously annoying DS so he told her to shut up and called her a fucking bitch.

The girls mum has messaged me yesterday and she said that I should be ‘ashamed’ of him and myself for bringing up a boy who is verbally abusive towards girls as her daughter hadn't done anything to him and she told me that she'll be reporting him. I just ignored her as obviously the girl only showed her that message.

DS knows he shouldn't have sworn at her but he was annoyed and he had already asked her to leave them both alone.

Aibu here? I would like an outsiders point of view.

OP posts:

sempiternal · 02/07/2021 13:18

Works both ways I'm afraid! She's got no right to be outraged at your sons behaviour when her daughter has been just as bad/ worse. I'd assume her daughter hasn't shown her what she had previously said to your son and his girlfriend! Perhaps she should have checked before contacting you.

Okay it would've been better if he had just blocked her but I can totally see why he got angry.

Mistressofnone · 02/07/2021 13:24

Your son did nothing wrong. This girl is bullying and harassing two young people, calling him names. She pushed & pushed till he reacted and then went crying to Mummy.

Please screenshot the whole convo to this woman. The mother is an enabler and needs to wake up.

cherrytreecottage · 02/07/2021 13:29

@Minesril

She called his GF a slag and implied he's a pervert? She is a fucking bitch. 🤷‍♀️

This!

I bet she's not showed any of her messages to her DM. I personally don't think your DS has done anything wrong!!

WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot1 · 02/07/2021 13:29

@MMMarmite

I think he did nothing wrong whatsoever. If she insults him and his girlfriend she can expect the same back.

I agree. If I act like a fucking bitch, I should be prepared to be called a fucking bitch without crying about it, and she acted like a fucking bitch.

I'm on your son's side, and I would be telling mine I had his back (but maybe to watch the swearing in future). And I would make sure the school was well aware of my stance.

jimmyhill · 02/07/2021 13:35

She's what he called her.

But he has to learn not to call women that.

tigger1001 · 02/07/2021 13:48

@jimmyhill

She's what he called her.

But he has to learn not to call women that.

Why?

Brefugee · 02/07/2021 14:06

What he needs to learn is to box clever. This may not be the last he hears from her

Proudboomer · 02/07/2021 14:18

If she doesn’t want to be called a fucking bitch then she shouldn’t act like one.

Gladiolys · 02/07/2021 14:21

It’s understandable that he behaved that way when he had been goaded, but obviously he hasn’t dealt with this well. I don’t think you need to punish him but you should talk to him about how to deal with things like this more effectively if it happens again.

LakieLady · 02/07/2021 14:22

As I was reading the OP, I thought "fucking bitch" to myself, so imo YANBU!

CoolCatTaco · 02/07/2021 14:23

Another one who thinks if you act like a fucking bitch you can't cry at being called it! Your son did nothing wrong, the girl sounds a nightmare. I'd also send mummy a screenshot of what princess has been up to.

SpeedRunParent · 02/07/2021 14:40

@Ambiguouscat

I’d screen shot the whole message thread and send it back to the mother

This!

Babynames2 · 02/07/2021 14:49

He didn’t do anything wrong, she goaded him and he stuck up for himself and his girlfriend. She is being a bitch m. I’d definitely screenshot and send to the mother, saying you expect her to have a word with her daughter as well then. He does need to learn to just block this kind of thing in future though.

Also, if they all attend the same school I would let his head of house/year know if the situation in case she starts something in school. She’s basically bullying him and his girlfriend.

Middlesboroughgirl · 02/07/2021 14:54

It all sounds very unpleasant. It would have been better if he had just left the group to keep himself right but if it all happened as your OP states she sounds terrible and dangerous and best avoided.

Oceanbliss · 02/07/2021 15:04

If she added him to a group does that mean the whole group could see what she was writing? So blocking her wouldn’t stop other people seeing what she wrote would it?

Essentially she was making false accusations to maliciously harm his reputation, bullying, harassment and manipulation.

If you don’t stand up to bullies other people will pile on. Maybe calling her a fucking bitch was the right move socially amongst his peers.

However, she seems incredibly manipulative and it is probably wise to screenshot the entire conversation.

LizzieW1969 · 02/07/2021 15:07

@Oceanbliss

That’s a good point, I hadn’t thought of that. I agree that taking screenshots of what she’s sent is the way to go.

Cocomarine · 02/07/2021 15:11

I’d have a chat with your son about how it’s a lesson. I’d also highlight his problematic language, but honestly - if you’re sure you’ve not raised a misogynistic arsehole, it’d be lessons not ticking off.

I wouldn’t send the screenshot just yet.

I’d start with, “I think your daughter is making a fool of you, you might want to ask her to show you the full conversation.”

User125547 · 02/07/2021 15:13

Tbh, the girl is a fucking bitch. Call it as it is. What a horrible vile child she is.

Report her for her behaviour. She’s a bully.

SmokeyDevil · 02/07/2021 15:16

Well he's not wrong is he? She is a bitch.

You could technically take the messages to the police and have them have a word with this girl about her making such accusations. Not saying do that, but maybe point it out to the girls mother that was she is doing can land her daughter in court. And if she's doing this now, she'll just keep doing it.

Wrotten · 02/07/2021 15:23

She certainly sounds like a fucking bitch.

cstaff · 02/07/2021 15:34

So this girl instigated the whole bitching conversation, your son had the nerve to answer back and now her mother is blaming you or your son. She needs to get real. FFS

JustLyra · 02/07/2021 15:45

Take screenshots and keep them safe.

Reply to the mother that you’re glad she’s going to speak to the school as obviously you can’t let her DDs insinuations about your son go unchallenged, and that her comments about his GF obviously warrant and apology too.

Tell her that you’re happy to let the school deal with it now, but obviously if the insinuations are repeated then you’ll be going to the police as you cannot have things like that said as they follow and you’re not having that.

Also if her DD repeats the comments report them. Something similar happened to my DS1 and it wasn’t known by us until he tried to get a part time job and the guy interviewing said that he could really employ him because of the rumours (small village). It’s taken a long time to sort.

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 15:50

@jimmyhill

She's what he called her.

But he has to learn not to call women that.

Why?

I get some women don't like being called bitches. It's never bothered me but I getvit does.

But if you are telling people someone is a creep, insinuationg they are a peadophile or will engage in statutory rape, calling another girl a slag and harassing 2 people and all you get back is a someone calling you a name, you have been lucky and have no right to complain that the word is one you find offensive.

If it had been a 15/16 year old boy harassing 2 pupils, would people be as outraged at someone retaliating with an insult?

funinthesun19 · 02/07/2021 15:53

But she is being a bitch though. She instigated the conversation and her mother obviously thinks she’s a complete angel. She really did deserve it.

If girl was to call a boy a “fucking dickhead”nobody would bat an eyelid and that’s a fact. Why can’t girls be told too?

TurquoiseDragon · 02/07/2021 16:11

I'd actually preempt the mother and go into the school first. Take screenshots and talk to someone like HOY in the first instance, asking that this girl be told that bullying and harrassment were not ok.

Initial warning shot stuff, say you'll escalate if she carries on with her false accusations, etc.

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