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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS hasn't done anything wrong?

117 replies

overthi · 02/07/2021 10:55

I've name changed for this.

DS is 15, he's been dating a girl (14) for a few weeks. The girl is in year 9 and he's year 10. A girl fancies DS and she's not happy with him being in a relationship. She added him and his girlfriend to a group the other day and called him a creep for dating a girl in the year below and that its wrong as he'll be 16 soon and she's not 15 until next year (her parents know about the relationship and don't mind or think its wrong!).

DS asked her why she likes him if she thinks he's a creep, she didn't have an answer to that and carried on calling him a creep and said she's surprised he's not dating a girl in year 7 as he likes ‘young girls’. He told her politely to leave him alone as she was annoying him and he was busy.

She then started calling his girlfriend a slag and saying DS can do better than her, which obviously annoying DS so he told her to shut up and called her a fucking bitch.

The girls mum has messaged me yesterday and she said that I should be ‘ashamed’ of him and myself for bringing up a boy who is verbally abusive towards girls as her daughter hadn't done anything to him and she told me that she'll be reporting him. I just ignored her as obviously the girl only showed her that message.

DS knows he shouldn't have sworn at her but he was annoyed and he had already asked her to leave them both alone.

Aibu here? I would like an outsiders point of view.

OP posts:
MotionActivatedDog · 02/07/2021 12:04

The girl was being vile. DS would have been absolutely right to tell her that. But at 15 I wouldn’t always expect them to know how to respond appropriately to that sort of thing. It’s a good time to have a chat about it now though OP. He’s in a far better position in these types of situations if he is incapable of being goaded to react and provide any ammunition for the other party to use against him.

CastawayQueen · 02/07/2021 12:05

What’s with everyone being such pansies?
They’re teenagers. She’s old enough to insult him, she’s old enough to handle the consequences.
He did nothing wrong.

PurpleMustang · 02/07/2021 12:06

I'd be fine with what he did considering the whole context of what the girl did. And saying well done for standing up for his gf and himself. She obviously had an agenda by adding them to the group in the first place. I would screenshot the convo to your phone just in case for future if there is further problems. And I would be showing the mother the whole conversation not just the snapshot her daughter has given her. As other have said she was calling them a whole heap worse. If anything I would speak to him about having some 'go to' responses for anything in future and/or to come speak to you for advice.

YelloYelloYello · 02/07/2021 12:09

Well he hasn’t done nothing wrong as he did call her a fucking bitch. But in this instance I’d be sending the screenshots to the mum so she can see what happened.

Also, if I had a 16year old son with a 14year old girlfriend I’d be keeping a very close eye on them.
But I’m sure you are already.

Iloveacurry · 02/07/2021 12:09

So it’s ok for her daughter to call his girlfriend at slag and him a creep? I’d screen shot the conversation and send it to the mother.

Frannibananni · 02/07/2021 12:10

Sounds like her mother has created this monster. Girls don’t get to sling mud then cry foul when called on it. Honestly just don’t be a asshole in the first place then people won’t point out you are a fucking bitch. Don’t excuse bad behaviour based on gender either way. This behaviour wouldn’t be tolerated in an adult, why should our teenagers just accept it. If someone insinuated I was a pedo I wouldn’t ignore it.

ThePlantsitter · 02/07/2021 12:11

I do feel sorry for today's teenagers. In the old days you could call someone a paedo/slag and retaliate with 'fucking bitch' and no-one would ever know. In the scheme of things it's nothing is it. But yes keep screenshots just in case.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 02/07/2021 12:14

Neither her nor the busybody girl have covered themselves in glory with their language!

But nothing wrong with 15 and 14 dating. I had a 15 yo bf when I was 14!

GetTaeFuck · 02/07/2021 12:14

She absolutely is a fucking bitch.

However, there’s a block button. Teach him to use it instantly and repeatedly.

Warrickdaviesasplates · 02/07/2021 12:15

I'd be tempted to reply to the mother with something like "I agree they shouldn't be using abusive language towards each other, I can safely assume that you'll be having words with your daughter regarding the disgusting comments she has made towards my son and insisting that she leaves him and his girlfriend (who is also owed an apology for the way your daughter spoke to her) alone from now on."

Take screenshots of the messages so that if the mother wants to escalate a complaint to the school you have the proof that your son and his gf were the victims of this girl rather than the other way round.

godmum56 · 02/07/2021 12:18

@Warrickdaviesasplates

I'd be tempted to reply to the mother with something like "I agree they shouldn't be using abusive language towards each other, I can safely assume that you'll be having words with your daughter regarding the disgusting comments she has made towards my son and insisting that she leaves him and his girlfriend (who is also owed an apology for the way your daughter spoke to her) alone from now on."

Take screenshots of the messages so that if the mother wants to escalate a complaint to the school you have the proof that your son and his gf were the victims of this girl rather than the other way round.

yup, this
HowManyToes · 02/07/2021 12:18

@Minesril

She called his GF a slag and implied he's a pervert? She is a fucking bitch. 🤷‍♀️
Absolutely
JanuaryJonez · 02/07/2021 12:20

I agree with PPs about screen shotting the whole conversation and sending to the mum, with a polite message pointing out that she:

a. Called him a creep
b. Said he liked young girls
c. Called his girlfriend a slag

He was responding politely until she kept provoking him!

namechange30455 · 02/07/2021 12:25

I'd send something along the lines of "X apologise?! Your daughter is lucky we haven't reported her to the police for harassment! If she contacts X again then we will be doing so". And then block the mother.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/07/2021 12:27

Arya I know but two wrongs don’t make a right. I know this was a message chat not social media but surely there’s been enough in press to make teens realise that stuff they put in writing can come back on them later. I’ve a 15 year old and wouldn’t want her writing what girl or boy has put.
I agree that the girl is completely out of order but him writing you are a fucking bitch hasn’t helped. Surely point of being a parent is to point out to DC other ways to have handled it.

Geamhradh · 02/07/2021 12:30

Have you read the entire message thread, OP?

Brefugee · 02/07/2021 12:50

What he really said, what she really said, what he reported to you, what she reported to her mum, probably all not to close to the actual truth.

Not sure about you but my DCs don't routinely lie to me. But I would have asked to see the convo and tsken Screenshots in case her mum went to the school. I'd probably also ask my DS if his gf had been getting any abuse just to her and then given her parents s heads up.

The conversation must be had about de-escalating or walking away from these things (and the value of backing these things up to a cloud server and making screenshotscto send to himself by email if it happens again)

QueenBee52 · 02/07/2021 13:01

Christ the BIAS on here is appalling 🙄

MarshmallowSwede · 02/07/2021 13:01

I would screenshot it and send to the mom.. I wouldn’t worry that your son did anything wrong.

If anything he did right you telling this girl who is obviously a bully off.

That’s the only way to deal with bullies. So what was he supposed to do “oh please don’t be mean to me. I’ll dump her and date you”… this sort of weak spirited bending to bullies does nothing to embolden the bully.

Send the messages to the mom and let her know her daughter is a bully and she obviously learned it from someone considering she has the audacity to message you after her daughter’s nonsense. Both mom and daughter here are nutcases.

If the girl continue to harass your son or girlfriend then show the messages to the school so there can be some punishment for the bully.

That’s the issue. Kids commit suicide of bullying, but people are saying the son is in the wrong. He did nothing wrong.

And so what she got called a bad name? If she has not been bullying other children then she wouldn’t have been called a name.

Funny how this girl has the nerve to bully two other children but goes running to her delusional mommy because her feelings got hurt.

MarshmallowSwede · 02/07/2021 13:02

Does Nothing but embolden the bully*

Mayaspecialist · 02/07/2021 13:10

I bet if it was the ds girlfriend who called the girl a bitch, no one would have an issue with it

LizzieW1969 · 02/07/2021 13:13

So it’s ok for her daughter to call his girlfriend at slag and him a creep? I’d screen shot the conversation and send it to the mother.

^This. Double standards once again. So yes, I would do this. However, I would also say to him that the better response would have been to block this girl.

anunexaminedlife · 02/07/2021 13:15

She was being a fucking bitch and deserved to be called one. He's done nothing wrong. She sounds really dangerous and I would be worried about my son being the victim of false allegations so I would go coldly and formally nuclear about this and escalate it to anyone half relevant. The other mum should be ashamed of her daughter.

Youdiditanyway · 02/07/2021 13:16

He lost his temper which was obviously wrong, he shouldn’t have called her a bitch (even though she was acting like one!). In future he needs to block and totally disengage with her or anyone like her.

tigger1001 · 02/07/2021 13:18

@Scaredycat87

* which obviously annoying DS so he told her to shut up and called her a fucking bitch. *

Excuse me?

“Obviously”?

Op. You are his mother. No words that you think his response was obvious and nothing wrong with it

I find this response odd.

The op said that her son obviously was annoyed at the insinuation that he was a pervert and his girlfriend was a slut. I think that would annoy most people.

Should he have called her a fucking bitch? Probably not his finest moment, but truthfully she was being, so deserved to get called out for it