To think prizegiving is demoralising for most kids

[ShameCloud]

I was fairly bright and hardworking at school. Never in trouble, polite and well behaved, did my homework, really tried hard and got good grades. But I wasn’t top of the class. Every prizegiving I had to sit through an hour or more of watching other kids go up to receive prizes and never me. Most of the prizes were for the ‘top’ student in each class so ‘near the top’ students didn’t count. There was an effort prize for each year group but always went to a kid who found things challenging but worked hard. I know they can’t give everyone a prize but honestly it was a yearly minor disappointment and then tedious end to term. Now I have kids who are much like me - bright and hardworking but not top of the class - so they too have year after year of sitting through prizegivings watching mostly the same top kids go up and be recognised.

I know I’m going to get a lot of comments about how I’m a snowflake who wants participation prizes but honestly it was just a rubbish experience as a kid. And as a parent it makes the ‘It’s the trying hard that counts’ narrative harder to sell.

We had subject prizes but we also had prizes for behaviour, most improvement and attendance. I think there was also an unofficial rule that one student couldn’t win more than one prize.
I won a prize and I still have the little plaque thing! It meant a lot to me.

I was that student who won prizes for top grades and attendance every year. I was very shy and hated going up in front of everyone. After winning a few years on the row I was well aware that everyone was making snide comments about how I won every year. It soon made me a target to bullies. In year 11 I actually refused to get up and receive my prize because I was that anxious to stand up in front of my peers and because I knew I would receive negative comments and be bullied for it ☹️

When my DC was at school we got a letter inviting us to a prize giving as DC was to receive a prize We were really chuffed as DC was fairly average academically.

A couple of days later DC told us that there had been a mistake and it was another child with the same surname that was getting the prize e.g. G Smith rather than C Smith.

DC is fairly laid back so wasn't that bothered but I wrote a stroppy letter to school as a more sensitive child could have been upset (I'm not generally THAT parent).

Never even got a reply. So yes OP I agree.

It's actually a slippery slope for mental health to remove prize giving

....authenticated citation required.

I had the opposite problem. Always top of the class, always an A Grade student, but the prizes were awarded only to those who had ‘improved’ the most. In reality they went to the same three students every year as they had joined a gang and the school thought rewarding them was the only way to keep them at school and out of trouble. It didn’t work - all of them were expelled in Year 10 for beating up and trying to stab another student.

Its an important life lesson, and better for kids to learn it early on. People who do the best in life get compensated for it, people who dont, dont. That's just life and it happens in all areas. Surely its important to learn early that you don't get a medal for taking part, only gold silver and bronze get rewarded.

For what its worth I never won anything growing up, I was often the odd one out. In early adulthood I took up a hobby and turns out I'm quite good at it. I've won lots of competitions, and lost lots more on the way. It taught me to be gracious in defeat and even more gracious in victory.

Now i teach that hobby and we give out a prize each week to the 'top of the class'. Kids get upset when they dont win, but even happier when they do. Not everyone can win it, they need to learn that.

My son never won a prize at his secondary school. He left with 4 A levels grade A*, and got 7 GCSEs grade 9. He was consistently good in nearly all subjects.

The reason he never got a prize was he was never "best" in any particular subject. Some of his class mates got a prize for being top in one subject one year but poor/average in all the others most other years.

There were no prizes for always, literally, consistently being second best across the board in multiple subjects. No prizes for being in the top 2 or 3 in every subject every year.

One year, he was joint top of the subject for the year, but the prize was given to the other because the other had "made more progress" that year!

Good thing was he isn't a snowflake and accepted that was the way it was.

I completely agree. I was quiet at school but always hardworking, polite etc and I hated prizegiving assemblies. One year a girl who had bullied me won about 4 awards for different subjects and I remember feeling really rubbish at the time. I think that schools need to make things more fair by not giving the same students all the awards.

I agree that it's demotivating for the students who do well or try hard but never get rewarded or recognition. And it can also be demotivating for the shy and awkward top students who end up feeling like it's a punishment....

I have mixed feelings on this - I never got prize for anything. In fact I remember a few times eagerly hoping for a proper part in the nativity play etc - but it was not to be.
Ii made me feel excluded but I can't see how they can give the plum parts/prizes to everyone.
On the subject of "recognising excellence" - in my view it's the accident of birth and circumstance that makes you "excellent" as "average" so not sure why only excellence is celebrated.

Most kids who were "excellent" weren't trying any harder.

Love how my DC school does it. It is a separate evening event that you don’t attend if you have won. There is only one prize per subject per year - and that is awarded to the person who got the highest mark in the end of years. No mucking about, no wiggle room, it is clear and fair.

Also because there are so few prizes no one feels left out. My DC have never won any and couldn’t give a monkeys,

How it was done in their primary school however was soul destroying.

YANBU. your feelings were & are valid.

I think that sort of thing is harder for people who need reassuring that they are doing well. possibly because of low self-esteem, possibly because they want to prove themselves.
also neurotypical brains are motivated by reward v punishment so not getting the reward is demoralising.

not a dig OP, just what I've realised beca becauseave ADHD and my motivations are totally different.
I never cared about treats or lack of them. when I was doing choir or whatever on stage all I cared about was having a good time. sure, I won some things (and mainly didn't) but no award or prize could ever trump the adrenaline rush of just doing stuff!

I've lost my train of thought now...brb

My 7yo DD is academically able and gets outstanding and above expectations for every subject, she's also very well behaved in school (occasionally not at home but consistently well behaved at school). Because of this she tends to be overlooked for things like housepoints because her continued good behaviour is just expected, as such some of her classmates are way ahead on the merit badges and certificates.

I find it frustrating that she basically has to be exceptional or lucky to be noticed, whereas other kids are celebrated not necessarily even for being well behaved, just not badly behaved. Thankfully so far she hasn't shown any discontent with the way it's working and we make sure to celebrate her achievements at home instead.

@TeenMinusTests I am dyslexic. So no lessons were not pitched at me. I fell completely through the cracks and was only diagnosed at 18. Why? Because I was average therefore no one paid attention to me. In fact I am actually pretty much as strongly dyslexic as you can be. But because I was middle I was ignored and no on picked it up.

So no as an adult I do not see classes were pitched to my level.

Not everyone can win it, they need to learn that.

You're quite right of course. Were it not for book tokens being handed out at school, no one would ever learn that.

My school only did prize giving for GCSE and A level years. Everyone went up and was given an (empty) envelope and people applauded. Your name was in the program with the number of GCSEs you’d done, or your A level subjects, but no grades. There was one extra prize for something like ‘overcoming adversity’. I have no idea why the winner in my year got it, but I assume there were private reasons we didn’t know about.

(This was an academically selective school so they were big on exam results, but also big on not making a fuss about things.)

When I left school we each got given a Mr Man/Little Miss book that represented us. That felt far more special than any achievement award as the teachers had thought about us all as individuals

It depends, my dd is autistic and found school very hard, being recognised for her hard work all year was great for her, her peers who either ignored cot at worst teased her would be genuinely happy that she won prizes, ditto when they celebrated her music achievements in assembly, she's very quietly spoken and hides away in class discussions yet could sing opera arias, and bizarrely didn't mind performing at school go figure.

I'm a teacher and I went to a school where Prizegiving was a huge deal AND I won every year.

And I think it's shit.

I think it's demoralising and just unnecessary.

YANBU - all it does is emphasise to kids that they're " just another brick in the wall". They don't need to be taught that, they know it already.

Similar to Gladiolys I did well academically at school but was bullied for being shit at sports and socially awkward. And not having the latest gear. It was bad enough having to pretend not to hear people making comments in class. It was just awful at prize giving having to go up to get a prize with my bullies sniggering. It's made me feel sick thinking back to it.

And as you say ShameCloud it's shit for those who don't win prizes as well.
I've been to some graduation events in special education schools, and some of these seem to manage the whole thing much better, making it a celebration of individual achievements and qualities.

Where I work is a bit like this so perhaps it’s not the worst thing to experience when it happens in everyday life. The same group of colleagues are constantly praised, the poor performers get praised for doing slightly more than the bare minimum and then there’s the rest of us, mostly overlooked for being good but not the best!

Never won anything but was asked EVERY year to play an instrument or do a reading.

So I was good enough to wheel out and perform but not good enough to actually win anything.

I am still bitter 22 years later...

I still remember the run through of our prize giving, where only the prize winners were there to practice (which seems unnecessary!). I can still remember hearing the muttering behind me (from other prize winners) about the girl (me!) who’d won 3 prizes for A level subjects. I wanted to crawl under my chair.

Then the deputy head announcing the prize for English AND history AND biology going to me, and having to reveal myself as the geek in question. £30 of book tokens was not adequate compensation, even back then.

It must be shit for those that come close, and I imagine the kids winning the prizes hardly need the encouragement, but overall I think it is shit for all involved and should probably be scrapped.

In my DD's school (year 6) they found something to praise and reward in every girl and each one therefore was given recognition. One for outstanding results in Humanities, one for the best progress in Music and History, the other for consistency high marks in Maths and Physics, etc. Extracurricular achievements such as in Ballet or participation in school competitions was also accounted for. All the girls were rightfully proud for their own success, rather than against one "top" measure.