To put my autistic child in a special school?

[Bowlofcereal]

I have an 8 year old autistic child. He's ahead academically and the teachers tell me he behaves well in class.
We don't have school refusal issues, he doesn't seem to have any real problems at school but I worry about his mental health particularly as he's getting older and all the other kids seem to be making a big social jump.
I know he will be very successful academically but socially he's so far behind.
So my question is has anyone ever moved their autistic child to a special school principally to benefit from the integrated social skills lessons and for them to feel like they fit in by being surrounded by other autistic children?!

@Bowlofcereal

I have an 8 year old autistic child. He's ahead academically and the teachers tell me he behaves well in class. We don't have school refusal issues, he doesn't seem to have any real problems at school but I worry about his mental health particularly as he's getting older and all the other kids seem to be making a big social jump. I know he will be very successful academically but socially he's so far behind. So my question is has anyone ever moved their autistic child to a special school principally to benefit from the integrated social skills lessons and for them to feel like they fit in by being surrounded by other autistic children?!

Please remember that children at this age develop different speeds. My kids have had similar problems. Sometimes the groups are made and not so inviting, sometimes they are just different. Assuming a special school will solve this is just wrong. I've had all the social group circles, friendship group hugs etc etc, it doesn't magically make children like children.

Don't worry about it, he will learn as he grows. He will fit in as much as he wants to. Don't panic yet. What you really want is a school that encourages his strengths and where he feels happy. A special school is not the answer - just because it is special.

The best you can do, is to help him understand the societal norms and how to make friends while not being the runt of the group. And not project friendship fears onto him - that would be the worst.

Regarding the social skills argument and him not picking up social skills with other children like him.

I agree. Attending a purely ASD school would not help in his ability in picking up social skills. However! That's why you choose specialist school where they admit a mix of neurodiverse peers or specific learning needs were social skills is not an area of of difficulty for them (e.g. dyslexia, ADHD, DLD, dyscalculia).

But with all that being sad. Typically, Autistic children need to be taught social skills. Yes they may copy their peers but they may have difficulties understanding what behaviours are appropriate/not appropriate. If being in a mainstream population would magically solve your DS social needs, then he would not be experiencing social difficulties as he is now.

@Bowlofcereal

To the pp asking if he's happy....... I think so, I think he's content, not sure I'd say happy. It's very hard to tell. He's very compliant by nature so he hops out of bed every day and gets ready for school and off we trot. But if I ask if he likes school he only ever says "no, it's boring" . Despite being fully verbal and very bright he can't really hold a sensible conversation so I don't get anywhere asking about his day . Today he came out of school and had a melt down. They are unusual for him but increasing which is worrying me.

To those talking of specific schools for bright children with HFA and no behavioural issues please can you pm me names if they are in Kent? Thank you!

More House School Eger-Rothesay (Amazing school but it's ok Hertfordshire)

In Kent here with DS12 (Year 7) who is autistic.

If your son is likely to pass the Kent test, look at Judd and Simon Langton Boys' grammars (depending on where you are in the county).

Both have specialist resource provision for autistic boys within the mainstream setting - even if children don't have an EHCP if they need extra help such as social skills help, they get it. If you pick the right secondary, it really is a different experience to primary (where they tell you they will run social skills clubs/lego therapy etc but the dont because they forgot/didn't have the staff/prioritised sports day etc.).

My DD now 14 has ASD and our experience has been that she absolutely hated ASD support groups/meet ups etc and would have hated a special school/class.
When she finished primary she was top academically but quite far behind socially and we decided on a small private school for secondary. It's attraction was not the private aspect but the small size (300 kids total) and diversity of students/extra curricular activities/focus on whole child development. (All of which I do realise they are able to do due to being private).
Anyway she has flourished and has a group of about 10 close friends, to my knowledge none have ASD but all would be 'quirky, confident' kids with quite differing and individual interests/needs and it has been amazing how she has fitted in. She recently had a camping trip (in one of the kids beach house) which I can honestly say I never would have thought possible.
I think for some kids with ASD being around other kids with ASD can be too much as all struggle with social aspects but finding a more diverse group with kids of differing needs seemed a better fit for DD.

@Bowlofcereal

The school have offered to do a weekly social group but so far it's happened 3 times because of covid. But it's so little time (20mins once a week) that I feel it's neither here nor there! He does do football which has been great as he plays football every lunchtime. I guess he likes it because it follows rules because he does this rather than play with his "best friends" (using the term loosely!).

For those saying he wouldn't get a place, he would because we'd pay for it at an independent special school near us. Most students have an EHCP but you can just pay privately if they agree he's suitable. They have read his diagnosis and said he can do a week trial and they will decide if he's a good fit or not. But I don't want to let him try it if we aren't sure it would be the right decision. He doesn't have (and wouldn't be awarded) an EHCP because he doesn't need any adjustments made for him in mainstream.

I just worry so much that he might feel different or that he will be bullied because I can see he can't keep up socially.

Thank you for the ASD social group idea. I've never heard of it so don't think we have them locally but I will search and if not set one up!

Honestly, if you can afford to pay for it, but you dont think youd be able to get them to fund it, then id certainly just wait and see how it went, and just keep in mind that its an option later. I would think that maybe if hes academically able and doesnt need adjustments, then its pointless to send him to a SEN school. Maybe look for a smaller more nurturing secondary, private if necessary. My eldest was at a SEN school from year 9 as wasnt coping in mainstream, and I managed to get him a place. It was great in some ways, but academically, i feel that it didnt meet all his needs, and always wished there was more provision for academically able autistic kids. If a kid without even an EHCP was in a SEN school, and youre funding it, I think its a bit odd really and like youre coddling him and underestimating him. One of my other kids has an ehcp and at mainstream and doing some alternative provision but managing ok and has friends. The other kid is autistic but no ehcp and at mainstream secondary too ( a different one) and doesnt struggle academically, but struggles with sensory stuff and anxiety, and we are considering an ehcp, but no way would i think a sen school would be suitable for them, as i think they could get their GCSEs.

Another thing to consider might be an online school.

I would not move but would look at out of school social opportunities with similar children, like gaming clubs.

My son is starting a specialist secondary school come September. I found it really interesting that they have two classes in each year. One is for the children that will take GCSEs. One is for the other children that won’t be able to manage that. There was no mention of this (that I noticed) on their website, so quite a surprise. Maybe you could ask around your local sen schools if they have this sort of provision.
However, in your situation I would keep my son in mainstream. You could- if he doesn’t have it already, ask for extra support with helping him integrate socially.
He will not become more social in a regular sen school. The children there won’t be very social themselves- not at a mainstream level anyway.

Can you afford an OT report to say he needs regular movement breaks throughout the day on top of break time.
My DS has 2 movement breaks from class one to do a little job the 2nd he gets to kick a ball or bounce from his private OT reports.
I know I'm very lucky his mainstream is so helpful.

Your choice but I wouldn't do it personally, as the big wide world has a variety of people in it which he will need to get used to. IMO. special schools are only suitable for the severest cases who literally cannot cope in mainstream.

I think you need to go to the SEN school several times to assess it before making any decisions.For some SEN children,making friends or wanting friends can take longer.What if he goes to the SEN school and doesn’t make any friends there either?Are there any mainstream schools with hubs attached to them?Have you had a look at the Local Offer website for services/schools in your area? There might be one with a hub attached to it.How is your son coping at the school?Can he continue going to the mainstream school for his academic needs to be met and join SEN after school clubs/programs for his social skills?

In an ideal world, there would be the funding to support every type of need and the specialist to advise. We aren’t in an ideal world though and there isn’t the money to do what would be beneficial for everyone.

If you are in a position to be able to fund provision, you have choices. An assessment place at the private school will give him and you, a chance to see whether it makes the sort of difference you hope for. If you feel he would cope with the change and potentially a further change back if it isn’t suitable.

It’s true that children with autism are all different, just as neurotypical children are. He may not develop better relationships than he will in a nurturing mainstream school.

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity

Your choice but I wouldn't do it personally, as the big wide world has a variety of people in it which he will need to get used to. IMO. special schools are only suitable for the severest cases who literally cannot cope in mainstream.

You have a very narrow view of special schools. Some SEN kids in special schools can manage in manage in mainstream. The issue is that they would not learn and cannot reach their full orientalist, often these kids don't kick up a fuss, not behavioural but they are easily pushed to the side and it's oh well.

I worked in many mainstream secondary schools. where they have constantly failed SEN children. To the parents who think their children are fine in their mainstream secondary, please reevaluate and ask your school questions. You will be surprised on how much teachers/staff hide things from parents.

The several youngsters that I worked with are pushed to the side. Even if you want your child to go to mainstream then at least get an EHCP with super tight provision. Most cases, parents do not want the stigma of a child with an EHCP, they are happy to get some support from the school but the support is often minuscule. Please remember that your children are only numbers in their schools, no one do going to put much effort into your child unless it's the parents.

There are a few children who do have friends at a secondary, yes, other children do not develop friendships. There have been many cases where many SEN children have been failed by state mainstream and they often leave school with no qualifications, low self independent skills, low levels of reading and writing (this is shocking by far) have to attend an SEN college. Whereas their neurotypical is peers are flying miles ahead.

I think some posters who have SEN children in mainstream, are probably a bit envious that they are a very few specialist schools that cater towards high functioning children with academic abilities and wish they have sought this out or looked into this more for their DC's. This I get.

There may well be special schools that can accommodate your sons needs, however they tend to cost ££££, the problem will be getting the Lea to agree to funding, I would recommend visiting some school, s and then getting some independent advice regarding why the school you feel would best suit your sons needs is the best place for him

@TakemedowntoPotatoCity

Your choice but I wouldn't do it personally, as the big wide world has a variety of people in it which he will need to get used to. IMO. special schools are only suitable for the severest cases who literally cannot cope in mainstream.

There are different types of special schools, my son has always gone to a special school, he has severe and complex needs, the type of school my son goes to would be completely inappropriate for the Op, s child but there are other special schools that may well be able to accommodate his needs, getting the Lea to agree to fund is a different matter however

Our ASD child would not cope in a mainstream school at all - too many people/noise etc would be overwhelming.

We HE and it is absolutely the perfect solution for him and so many others with similar needs. He can work at his own pace and if you can afford private ed then tutors/classes for gcse would not be an issue.
Most groups are small and only for a couple of hours so plenty of time to relax and recharge.. And they mix with a far greater range and mix of people so social skills tend to develop much better but also gently as in 'safer' environments. Peer pressure is around 1/10 what it is in schools at most so they tend to have much higher self esteem and confidence.

Pokemon club is his main source of friends and he goes 3/4 times a week - total 10hrs.

It's not possible or suitable for everyone but it is worth considering - I have seen so many ASD youngsters absolutely blossom and thrive.

@Bowlofcereal

My DC was the same, and managed well in mainstream school with Autism Outreach help. They come to the school and help the child 'negotiate' the pitfalls and issues they may have.
At my DC school they also took 'neuro-typical' kids who were not 'understanding' what my DC had said/done, and helped them see that my DC wasn't intentionally being rude/annoying etc

This help is the only reason my DC managed as well as she did in mainstream. By the time she was in secondary school, she had learned herself how to 'explain' ASD to any new friends she made, which meant she no longer needed help from Autism Outreach.

I think you're right to question whether another school might be a better 'fit' for your DC, but you need to base it on what help is provided.

Also remember, that your DC is going to become more 'independent' , and soon. It will be better if he can learn how to 'integrate' with others who are not ASD etc, rather than to have others fit round him, if you see what I mean ? Because he will be on his own soon, and the better 'prepared' he is, the better he will cope.

As an aside, it's pretty usual for ASD kids to have 'meltdowns' when they come home after school. It's because they are 'learning' to 'adapt' their 'behaviors' while in school, so that they 'fit in', but the stress of that effort means they need to 'let off steam' in a safe environment i.e at home, because they simply cannot maintain the 'act' for 24/7.

My DD has just finished her 1st year in University, and is looking forward to her 2nd, but she still has 'meltdowns' occasionally, especially after a prolonged spell with her NT friends. (And she still 'stims' in private every day too.)

Your DC will overcome his difficulties in being 'around' NT kids (and it's often more 'accepted' among boys to be very 'direct' , 'honest ,to the point of rudeness, and 'literal', which is going to help him in the long run), but it will help him to be 'immersed' with NT kids, rather than kept apart from them. (I suppose it would be a bit like learning to cycle a bike in the classroom, but without ever having to try it physically ?)

No I wouldn't do it in your situation.

Unpopular view I'm sure but as am autistic adult I feel I have a worthwhile contribution. I think it's important to realise you can't 'teach' an autistic person out of their autism. So while yes I absolutely agree that support for social skills is a good thing, letting your child be who they are is equally as important. Sending a child who is functioning well in school albeit socially struggling to a special school could only ever result in less social contact or more but at a different level. The children catered for within these schools will have their own difficulties, and reasons why they can't be in mainstream. Placing your child there would be detrimental IMO.

I fear that your child wouldn’t have an appropriate peer group at the school you’ve mentioned. While you may be able to afford the fees, the vast majority (due to the extremely high cost of such schools) will be there funded by an EHCP.

You say your child wouldn’t stand a chance of getting an EHCP because he doesn’t need any accommodations at mainstream. This could mean a vast gulf between your son and the children who are funded to be there.

I think you need to have a very frank discussion with the school.

I also think you should a) be putting more pressure on the school to provide for his needs and b) consider requesting an EHC needs assessment - clearly you feel that his needs aren’t being met where he is or you wouldn’t be considering moving him. His needs really need to be established fully by professionals. Given you could afford an independent school, you might find an independent mainstream school with smaller class sizes etc is more suitable - I know lots of parents of autistic children with higher academic ability to go down this route. It’s hard without knowing more about the school but specialist schools for highly achieving autistic kids are rare and it really depends on the circumstances.

My son was diagnosed autistic age 8. He didn't cope in mainstream so went to private priory school from 8-18. Academically he was great. Socially and behaviour wise he was behind. Emotional disregulation was and still is a huge issue for him.
My daughter is 15 and doing well in mainstream. A very different creature to my son and it's more her sensory needs and mental health in mainstream that's the issue. She has friends and is quite confident and academically ahead of her peers. We may have to consider extra help at college but going into year 11 school are able to support her needs quite well.

@RickiTarr

There are schools that cater to high achieving autists, as I’m sure OP knows, but they can be pricey.

Have you identified any possible schools OP? I don’t think it’s outlandish although I can’t say it’s quite what we did. Similar.

There are. They are extremely pricey. We, and all those who are involved in his care, are working to get a place in one for my son. He has very high intelligence but at home his behaviour has become increasingly violent and it's not safe for our other daughter or us. But he has had some serious intervention already, is medicated and the out of school situation is still deteriorating. He's also had a lot of school refusing. He's so violent we've had police involvement and twice he's nearly caused what could have been fatal car accidents. He presents very well at school, however, and has no intellectual impairments.

It's not as simple as 'He has social problems so need residential school.' Unless you're possibly extremely rich and can afford such a school. The criterion is strict and a whole team (we've got a consultant psychiatrist, an educational psychologist, two therapies and two social workers working on this) and the school have to be of agreement that it's in the best interest of the child on the whole and the rest of the family.

Oh, my child also tried mainstream with a unit (although not specifically for autism). That failed, too. He's been school refusing with violent meltdowns for 8 months of the last year.

So you have to demonstrate that every single other effort has failed.

Oh, we have our MP involved, too. So basically a team of 6 medical professionals, oh, our new GP, too, 7, plus the MP and local councillors.

I've been wondering this for my daughter too she's 9 and recently diagnosed. She isn't too bad academically although not ahead, but her major issues are friendships.

Emotional disregulation was and still is a huge issue for him.

Yes, for my son, too.

I wouldn't contemplate an SEN school in your situation. I would certainly be looking at local private schools to find one that would be a better environment than whatever "default" state option is available for senior school, and move heaven and earth to be able to afford it if you have an option that would work. Not all private schools will need a good environment so you need to do research over the next couple of years to find out. My son with ASD is very happily settled at the end of year 7 having been there for a year we are confident we made the right choice and the financial sacrifices we are making are worth it. Obviously money can't buy immunity from the additional challenges that ASD brings, but smaller class sizes, better resources and a more academically-focussed cohort of students can make a big difference, and a supportive and non-overwhelmed learning support team has a lot more time for their pupils with additional needs than the overworked team in a typically underfunded state school.

If he is academically able then at a selective school (private or grammar) there will be loads of other autistic kids both diagnosed and not.

I went to a highly selective girls school before autism in girls was recognised and only got my diagnosis in adulthood - but looking back I can see at least 5 girls in my class alone who were ASD basically my mates and there were 5 classes in each year.

If he is academically racing away, a mainstream selective school with awareness that its gifted and talented group are likely to include a lot of ASD children may be OK.