to think the point of gifts is to choose them thoughtfully?

[yesterdaysbread]

I have a couple of relatives who always ask for gift ideas for birthdays, Christmas etc. They ask me directly what I would like and they also ask for ideas for my parents and siblings. I've heard one of them say before 'it's best to give me an idea or you'll end up with bits of tat you don't need' - which happens on some occasions, think little trinket-type things that just clutter up your house. They sometimes ask for cash for themselves for presents.

I'm getting married and am being asked by each of them if we have a gift list. We don't have a list as we've been living together for years anyway and more or less have everything we need. We have told them this and they have said, well let us know or else we'll get you a kettle.

AIBU to think that the point of a gift is that you choose it thoughtfully with the recipient in mind? This is how I buy gifts. I think it's more or less pointless to give specific ideas for example, here's a book I've been wanting to read, you can just pay for it for me, or buying someone something because you feel obliged to but without putting any thought into it, i.e. a kettle which of course we have already...for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated...AIBU to think this is too much to expect or should I be sending out links to John Lewis website?

It’s possible that the the recipients of your thoughtful gifts don’t like them as much as you think. And would rather have a book they really wanted or whatever. However a kettle does seem a bit random.

I'd rather people told me what they want so I can be sure to get them a gift they'll like, keep and enjoy and not have it and up in a bin or charity shop.

I think as a society, we place too much emphasis on giving gifts. Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, weddings, engagements, anniversaries... it's neverending. Trying to think of something heartfelt 3+ times per year per person is hard on the mind as well as the wallet. When people already have everything they want/need, it seems like an awful lot of effort.

I give thoughtful gifts. I never ask what people want and always spend ages looking for something that suits them perfectly. But SIL is obsessed with Minnie Mouse and only wants Minnie Mouse-themed tat things. She has wanted these things for upwards of 6 years now. There is no Minnie Mouse crap left. So what do we do?

YANBU, but if you've already been together for ages and don't need anything, say so!

AIBU to think that the point of a gift is that you choose it thoughtfully with the recipient in mind? This is how I buy gifts

You can do that, and still get it utterly wrong. For all you know, you've given people things they hate many times. Plus not everyone is very good a gift buying, its not always that easy. You might know the kind of things someone likes, but not be able to afford the level they want, or they might buy themselves all the things they want, or you might not know what they are currently into.
I think you're being awkward and rather self-praising.

I think YANBU.

I asked a similar question a couple of years ago and was categorically told I was BU.

My mother insists on me buying my own Christmas presents, and then sending me a cheque.
I don't get it. That's not getting someone a present in my mind. I don't need my mum to buy stuff for me.
I'd so much rather have a couple of cheap and cheerful little presents to open than a really expensive bottle of perfume (or whatever) that I've had to buy for myself then get reimbursed for.

I find it really quite thoughtless and it makes me feel like my mum buying presents for me is nothing but a chore. Maybe it is. But, in that case, don't bother. I'm a 35 year old woman, I don't need presents!

Fair enough what everyone has said...I do understand that it's possible I am way off with the things I choose although I do generally get good feedback! I don't mean to be self-praising, I think I just find it more effort to have to think of something to tell someone...I don't really want or need anything special most of the time and then when you do think of something you have to ask yourself if it's budget appropriate for the person etc etc...much easier if they want to get you a present to just choose something they think you might like. You can't really every go wrong with a bottle or chocolates IMO.

But definitely agree with you guys saying we don't need all these presents...this Christmas I'm doing a no present policy!

I think the problem is there is a tradition (in the UK at least) that wedding gifts are household items AND that the couple put together a list of which household items they would like. I think if you want someone to buy you a personal, thoughtful wedding gift you probably need to be THAT explicit that you want them to not stick to the traditional approach. As other posters have said though, bare in mind they may still get it wrong - what's a treasure to someone is trash to someone else.

Can you come up with an item you can ask them to contribute towards? For our wedding we asked (if people wanted to get a gift) for garden centre vouchers so we could get a table and chairs - we did - we sent pictures to everyone - they were happy and we were happy. We have what we want and they contributed to something tangible - something we actually enjoy.

(for xmas and birthday always ask for something consumable or practical - e.g. shower gel, socks, chutney etc - then it will definitely be used - for some people they buy because they also like to receive. )

Fair enough what everyone has said...I do understand that it's possible I am way off with the things I choose although I do generally get good feedback!

Literally nobody ever says "blimey that's a shit present" even if they hate it.

We have FAR too much waste and people want to be careful with their money and not waste it.

So you either say (and mean it) "no gifts we have everything we need"

Or: we'd prefer money so we can put it towards xxxxx

Or donation to xxx charity

Or suck it up and make a list? People are trying to do something nice for you and you're being a bit precious about it.

I think for a wedding then you should have a list somewhere if you would like a present or if you’re not bothered then say no presents please donate to x charity for us

In general though I agree that the point of a present is to think of something the person would like and buy them it

I think this highlights that different aspects of gift-giving have significance to different people.

For me, the joy of receiving a gift is that it will remind me of the person who gave it every time I use/see it. This becomes even more poignant with things from grandparents etc. who have passed away. So I do prefer the item itself to be something I actually want, as then I will use it much more often or keep it on display rather than hiding it at the back of a cupboard.

Oh no YAB so U. That is a huge emotional labour you are putting on someone, to have the time and space to think or and source a gift you think they will like, and I do t know about you but I seem to have at least one q month, then Christmas, mothers/fathers day and so on and so on, it's loads! For me personally there are always things I want but wouldn't necessarily buy for myself which I am absolutely delighted if someone would buy for me. It was my birthday yesterday and most presents were things I was asked for a suggestion and I am pleased as punch with lovely things that bring me joy and I will get loads of use out of and think of the gift giver every time I do. DH and I both have a shared Google keep list of things we would like at a range of prices and types of gift and if family ask for gift ideas for the other we send the list so it's still a surprise but you know it's something you will love. I find this is particularly good for supporting local business, things I really want are often vouchers for local places for treats like a massage or facial but someone else couldn't possibly know which local place I like. Everyone is happy with with the suggestions round here, definitely not seen as a second rate gift at all! Re. wedding it's good to give some hints, we got a lot of serveware but you don't want a load of non matching things, I have a range that all my crockery is in and that is well known amongst my family and friends so we got a lot of that which is wonderful as now I have a beautiful matching set of things I'll use forever. But with no suggestion how would they know!

YABU. We need to buy gifts because jts socially unacceptable not to in certain situations. That's the main point of it. So just do both of you a favour telling them what you want

I think it’s much better to get a steer so that your gift isn’t something they neither want nor need.

I know a few people who think they are ‘thoughtful’ gift givers. They have a tendency to over estimate their abilities.

People tend to be completely deluded over their "well chosen" gifts.

.for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated.
Half the posters on here will HATE tablecloth and find them completely dated, and refuse to use them.

Your nice piece of serveware is very likely to clash with my existing stuff.

You have to know someone extremely well to be sure to get them something they will genuinely enjoy, genuinely think as a "treat" and matching their style.

The majority of wedding guests will be utterly grateful to be given a wedding gift list when they ask for one!

I think the type of things we usually gift are much more readily available and cheaper these days. In the past it was inevitable that you had to put more effort into getting someone a gift whether through the cost or the time taken to make or source it.

These days people are mindful of waste or don't have the space for tat. Etiquette has to move on with the times I think.

I personally love buying and choosing gifts.

But for others it's a chore that they have to tick off. They want to buy you a gift because they love you and there's an expectation that we buy gifts for those we love but they aren't the type to note small details like your countertop appliances are made by Smeg and are pastel green so only a pastel green kettle would do iyswim. I suspect that this person will buy a random kettle because they aren't the type to note what small appliances are on your kitchen worktop.

If you have other people like that it might be easiest to request vouchers for a store you like so you can get exactly what you need. For example I wouldn't mind buying B&Q vouchers to contribute towards someone's home improvements and would love IKEA ones to buy bits and bobs.

So you either say (and mean it) "no gifts we have everything we need"

that still put guests in a difficult position. No one is comfortable turning empty handed to a diner party, let alone an actual wedding! So what do you do? A bottle, some vouchers?

Just make a wedding list!

I think if you don't do a wedding list, people will presume you want money.

I love getting gifts when it's something I want, but wouldn't splash out on for myself - to me that's the point of lists/requests. Little luxuries.

You can't really every go wrong with a bottle or chocolates IMO.

Very thoughtful

Sometimes I even struggle with gift ideas for my partner who I know really well (and I know everything he already owns) so I think it's highly likely that you might give someone a gift they don't want or need, even if you think it's great. I much prefer when people just tell me a few things they'd like, or at least where they'd like them from e.g L'occitane or whatever.

You can't really every go wrong with a bottle or chocolates IMO

of course you can.

On MN you can even find people offended because you forget their diet, you didn't chose the right "posh or nice chocolate", it's amazing the drama a simple box of chocolate can cause

Just make a list. You may not need a kettle but there must surely be something, tangible or otherwise, that you and your soon-to-be spouse would welcome? People like to give gifts, especially for a happy event like a wedding - why not help them.

Books? Apple trees? Vouchers for your favourite camping store? Long lost vinyl records? More expensive gym membership? Lifetime coffee bean subscription? A rose or a star named after you?The dreaded charity donation, if nothing else.

Not giving people a clue turns a joyful tradition into an assault course.

I think asking someone if there is anything that they want or asking if they have a preference is being thoughtful. Not in the same way as going out and looking for something that you think the person you are buying for will like. But both approaches are thoughtful in their own way.

I haven't a clue what to buy my nearest and dearest let alone other friends. I do try to have good ideas but I never have any. I much prefer some guidance.