to think the point of gifts is to choose them thoughtfully?

[yesterdaysbread]

I have a couple of relatives who always ask for gift ideas for birthdays, Christmas etc. They ask me directly what I would like and they also ask for ideas for my parents and siblings. I've heard one of them say before 'it's best to give me an idea or you'll end up with bits of tat you don't need' - which happens on some occasions, think little trinket-type things that just clutter up your house. They sometimes ask for cash for themselves for presents.

I'm getting married and am being asked by each of them if we have a gift list. We don't have a list as we've been living together for years anyway and more or less have everything we need. We have told them this and they have said, well let us know or else we'll get you a kettle.

AIBU to think that the point of a gift is that you choose it thoughtfully with the recipient in mind? This is how I buy gifts. I think it's more or less pointless to give specific ideas for example, here's a book I've been wanting to read, you can just pay for it for me, or buying someone something because you feel obliged to but without putting any thought into it, i.e. a kettle which of course we have already...for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated...AIBU to think this is too much to expect or should I be sending out links to John Lewis website?

No one is comfortable turning empty handed to a diner party, let alone an actual wedding!

Agree and in the past people who have said this to me have been offended when I said "great - nothing it is". The reality is that I've then given them a case of wine or a hamper or something.

I sometimes don't bother getting DH a birthday present if he doesn't know what he wants. Every thoughtful unasked for gift I've bought never gets used to I've decided not to bother.

I don’t know anyone as well as they know themselves, and would presume to. I’ll do my best, but will usually include the receipt so they can return it if needed - I would much rather they got something they loved rather than something they thought was OK.

*Wouldn’t presume

Just give the poor buggers a list. They just want to get something they know you'll like and use. Not everyone has time to faff around trying to find the perfect thing! I love thoughtfully choosing presents for close friends and family for Christmas etc, but weddings are a bit different and not everyone has the time/inclination to put the effort in, and that's fine.

Interesting how different views are on this!

Someone mentioned the emotional labour of having to think of a gift - for me I see it as though asking for ideas means that the act of generosity of giving a gift then passes on the work to me, as I have to think about something that’s appropriate to ask for - you don’t want to ask for something that is hard to find/too expensive etc. If you want to give me a gift, then do but the asking what I want makes it seem like you are doing it out of sheer obligation - which is probably the case but for me misses the whole point.

And yes of course, wines and chocolates are not hugely thoughtful necessarily, but at least then you’re making a gesture and the receiver is more or less guaranteed to enjoy it! Perfect if you’re not sure what else they’d like, and you can choose the level of fanciness according to your gift giving ability!

Also thank you for the idea of asking for contributions to something big. Think we are a bit late in the day for that now but good idea for future gifts!

Oh the dreaded gifts issue.

My family does gifts for children then switches to just family meals out together, weekends for major birthdays. Once adult, the overriding rule is gift nothing that needs to be dusted

DH family are very into gift giving.

I'm sure SiL takes great thought over the things she gives me. The issue is that there is absolutely nothing I want or need, which I have not already bought myself. There just isn't anything she could think of, that I would want as a present.

She gives me things anyway.

Of course I always thank her profusely and compliment her on finding just what I wanted and how clever she is at finding just the right think.

Lovely cleaning lady gets first pick then takes the rest to a charity shop.

I've tried suggesting that we buy only for adults but that doesn't work for her and my wishes are not consulted.

When we were clearing our her lovely mother's house, we came across drawers full of unopened packets of perfume (she had once mentioned to DH that perfume made a lovely gift) and cupboards full of ornaments (he gave her ornaments before she mentioned perfume)

Such a sad waste.

Even a contribution to a new sofa, a painting, or a diner on your honeymoon. It doesn't have to be a kettle.

And if it's one of the MN posters offended by gift list (never met one in real life), they can still gift you their well-chosen present if they like.

When I was at high school and uni, my best friends and I would exchange Xmas gift lists (like a letter to santa) of things we had our eyes on - books, DVDs, CDs, chocolate brands we liked, bathroom bits and bobs or socks/slippers. It was great as we knew that we would all appreciate the gifts and they were all in our price range.
While it is nice to put thought into gifts, there's equally nothing wrong with having a few ideas for the giver to either choose directly from or a hint as to what might be appreciated.

DH and I put a poem I our invites saying we didn't need gifts (had everything we needed as we're already living together for a couple of years) but appreciated a monetary gift for our honeymoon. Our guests ended up laying for a week's trip to Lanzarote!

Special tablecloth? 😂

I've had some weird gifts in my time but that's something else.

Just give them a list or you'll end up with 40 Mr & Mrs mugs

I'm desperately trying to declutter our house, one of the hardest categories is shit presents that other people have bought us.

Even worse is the 'oh so thoughtful' personalised ones, so I can't even charity shop them, they have to go in landfill if i don't want them cluttering up my house! And I imagine they weren't cheap, which makes it worse.

I'm aware this sounds horribly ungrateful, but if you don't like them what are you supposed to do?

"DH and I put a poem I our invites saying we didn't need gifts (had everything we needed as we're already living together for a couple of years) but appreciated a monetary gift for our honeymoon. Our guests ended up laying for a week's trip to Lanzarote!"

Oh god. The dreaded poem and then the squeals of delight while the happy couple count their tenners

Hopefully as a society we're starting to realise that all this consumerism is destroying the planet!

I'm with you OP... I never ask people what they want. However their gifts are usually bought from a real shop, with cash, and with the receipt included in the parcel. Then they can do what they like, refund or exchange. Shows you've made an effort but if you've got it wrong it's no biggie - win win!

for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated

This is such a good example of the problem. There is nothing universal about a tablecloth or serve ware as wedding presents. These are choices that are personal to you and that other people wouldn't necessarily think of. I'm sure you get people presents like this thinking they are well-chosen, thoughtful gifts, but I don't know anyone younger than my parents who uses a tablecloth ever. If someone gifted me one I would either return it or charity shop it. I have LOADS of serveware - a lot of it bought as (I assume) a carefully chosen, thoughtful gift. The pieces don't match each other, and as I don't host dinner parties I rarely use it.

A friend once had the same conversation with me about how good he is at choosing gifts because he is thoughtful and picks with care for the individual. He then bought me a huge, dark wood, set of Balinese salt and pepper shakers. I already had salt and pepper shakers, I hate dark wood, and they are so big they don't fit in a kitchen cupboard. He thought he had done an amazing job and told me how he had agonized over making sure he picked the perfect present.

The point of gifts is surely to get something that the recipient would like.

All the "thoughtfully choosing" in the world will not guarantee that.
Most people are rubbish at choosing gifts unless the recipient has specifically told them it's something they would like.

There's pros and cons to each side. My mum for eg always buys gifts herself thoughtfully and nearly always misses the mark - the clothes she buys my kids are not our style at all for example. My MIL always asks me to buy the gifts and she gives us money, so we get what we want. Which I find really unloving, but at least I get to spend her money my way.

In your case, why not find a charity you both care for and ask guests to make a donation to that in your name - if you don't want to be lumbered with unnecessary gifts?

Someone mentioned the emotional labour of having to think of a gift - for me I see it as though asking for ideas means that the act of generosity of giving a gift then passes on the work to me, as I have to think about something that’s appropriate to ask for

So you ask for nothing or money or vouchers or tell them what your favourite wine/chocolates/perfume is.
The person will be happy to know they are getting something you actually want. You are removed from the "are they going to get me something awful" worry. And the effort of having to do something with a gift you don't want when they get it wrong. They don't have the stress of trying to find something that they have to second guess whether you'll like. Everyone is genuinely happy.

And, of course, if there are specific things you actually want, well that's what wedding lists were invented for.

If you don’t make a list or ask for cash you will get tonnes of thoughtful gifts that will be multiple copies of each. So you’ll have 10x large photo frames, some will be wedding themed (we were gifted one with a large 3D metal bride and groom in the corner) and some will be more neutral. You’ll also receive 3 wooden spoons engraved with ‘Mr and Mrs Yesterdaysbread’. You’ll receive 3 prints of ‘Mr and Mrs yesterdaysbread’ or maybe the stars alignment on your wedding day. You’ll probably receive a tea towel with ‘Mr and Mrs Yesterdaysbread’, maybe a cushion or a mug. You’ll also likely receive a random piece of crockery that doesn’t match anything else.

We had a list. We did have a kettle on it but only because we knew we’d be buying a house shortly after and our existing kettle was knackered. We put things on that we wanted but wouldn’t usually buy ourselves. So we asked for some fancy kitchen scales, some lovely steak knives and some dipping bowls. Some people didn’t want to buy these, I think there’s something about buying knives severs the friendship so people just gave vouchers to John Lewis so we could buy them ourselves. Even with the list, we still got a personalised cushion, 4x photo frames and a random serving bowl that didn’t go with anything else. One of the photo frames (with the large 3D bride and groom) we kept for a few years but eventually it made its way into the charity shop with much guilt about giving away a thoughtful wedding gift. The serving bowl is used a lot but not in the way the gift giver intended - it’s our fruit bowl (so is probably our most used wedding gift) but it’s a bloody expensive fruit bowl and I feel guilty for using it just as a fruit bowl.

I would prefer to get someone something they actually wanted . We buy gifts for quite a few family members on my husbands side that we don’t know well . In an ideal world we would stop buying at all but we can’t without causing an argument so we carry on and get some ideas to choose from .

And yes of course, wines and chocolates are not hugely thoughtful necessarily, but at least then you’re making a gesture and the receiver is more or less guaranteed to enjoy it!

I'm not sure this is the case. I run a regular raffle to raise money for charity and we get lots of unwanted chocolates and alcohol donated after Christmas every year. Some of it is very out of date suggesting it has been regifted as well.

But I'm not discouraging chocs as a gift, as they're popular raffle prizes

In regard to the actual question, I would rather receive something I wanted than a thoughtful something I didn't want. If you don't give a wedding list it makes it look like you want money (which if you want money is fine but if not maybe suggest an alternative like money for charity, cat food for a local sanctuary so that people who can't think of a good present can still feel valued).

I’d honestly rather have gift vouchers or money because it’s very rare anyone gets us a present we actually like. Over the years we’ve received alcohol we’d never drink, chocolate/biscuits we’d never eat, blue cheese which we definitely wouldn’t eat and I’ve had numerous ‘beauty’ sets I’d never use. I wouldn’t mind receiving no gifts at all but if people insist, I’d much prefer a voucher or money. Just ask for that basically, you don’t need anything so request a voucher for your favourite shop.

But if for example they were going to spend £100 on you, surely instead of that being spent on silverware, alcohol or chocolates you would prefer to get that mirror you've had your eye on, or a contribution towards a new vacuum cleaner etc.?

Generically buying wine or chocolate = not particularly thoughtful

Buying the recipient's favourite wine/chocolates or the wine/chocolates that you know they'd like to try but would never buy for themselves = thoughtful.