to think the point of gifts is to choose them thoughtfully?

[yesterdaysbread]

I have a couple of relatives who always ask for gift ideas for birthdays, Christmas etc. They ask me directly what I would like and they also ask for ideas for my parents and siblings. I've heard one of them say before 'it's best to give me an idea or you'll end up with bits of tat you don't need' - which happens on some occasions, think little trinket-type things that just clutter up your house. They sometimes ask for cash for themselves for presents.

I'm getting married and am being asked by each of them if we have a gift list. We don't have a list as we've been living together for years anyway and more or less have everything we need. We have told them this and they have said, well let us know or else we'll get you a kettle.

AIBU to think that the point of a gift is that you choose it thoughtfully with the recipient in mind? This is how I buy gifts. I think it's more or less pointless to give specific ideas for example, here's a book I've been wanting to read, you can just pay for it for me, or buying someone something because you feel obliged to but without putting any thought into it, i.e. a kettle which of course we have already...for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated...AIBU to think this is too much to expect or should I be sending out links to John Lewis website?

And yes of course, wines and chocolates are not hugely thoughtful necessarily, but at least then you’re making a gesture and the receiver is more or less guaranteed to enjoy it!

I've never eaten a chocolate gift as I don't really like chocolate, I have a whole shelf of chocolates gifted to me which sit there until they're out of date and I throw them away. Likewise I don't drink red wine so it sits there until I take it with me as a gift for someone else

Like other, I'd not want a nice piece of silverware or a special tablecloth. I have no-where to put silverware and very much doubt (based on experience) that other people's ideas of a nice tablecloth match mine. I can wee where you're coming from but I also suspect that over the years you've given people what you think is a thoughtful gift and they've given is away. For a birthday I tend to get little things for friends like books which I think they might like or chocs which I know they like, wine if they drink, posher smellies (not bubble bath unless I know they prefer a bath to a shower). On the bigger gestures though I don't think I could make the right choice. On a recent wedding thread the vast majority of people who were given 'thoughtful gifts' did not like, want or need them.

I agree with you. I'd rather people not buy me something than do what some of my family do which is get us to buy our own presents and then send the money for them. Half the time I'm sending a list with stuff I don't even really want because they insist on getting something. They even do this for the presents for their grandchildren which I hate as I put in time and effort thinking of what my kids will like and then have to write 'from granny and grandad' on them.

My mum only buys me presents for birthdays or Christmas if she sees something she thinks I will like around that time. Some years that means I get quite a few things, other years nothing, but at least she doesn't just buy something for the sake of it.

My face after opening a 'special tablecloth'!

When I get someone a gift, I'm very conscious that I'm expecting them to take up space in their home with something I've chosen. I lack the confidence to be utterly sure that my taste will appeal to them, so having at least an idea of something they would like really helps. And I love it when someone asks for something practical because those are actually the things you use the most so you really appreciate an upgrade!

I consider myself pretty good as a gift buyer (as in, several times after I've bought presents the person then mentions that they'd like what I've bought before I give it to them), but still, YABU.

No doubt the people who've bought me thoughtful presents really think they've done a good job. Like the gloves people buy because they notice I don't have any... Not getting that I hate to wear gloves!

I'd rather someone realised that they didn't know and got me something I wanted than guessed.

I think OP that perhaps we are all different.

Some people like to give gifts that they have thought of and selected.

Some people like to give a gift that the recipient has requested, because they know it will be appreciated.

When you get married, it makes sense to give that second group of people a list.

They’re all giving gifts. No need to insist everyone does it one way or the other.

You could end up with a dozen special tablecloths OP.

This is how I buy gifts

You fail more often than you succeed with your gifts, people are just too polite to say.

I think you are being unreasonable. If they are unsure what to get it's much better to ask than to waste money.

I pride myself in being an excellent gift chooser. My presents are always chosen with thought for what the recipient will like. I don't give generic gifts like candles of toiletries. Even so I sometimes get it spectacularly wrong. I know this because my adult DC who I have very loving, honest relationships with, will sometimes come to me and ask if they can return something I've bought. And if I'm getting it wrong for them who I know very well, I'm probably getting it wrong for other people who don't like to mention it.

YABU. You should put thought and effort into presents, obviously but buying blind, even with good intentions, is a way of inflicting your taste on others- why waste your money when you could ask and get it right for them?

If it's a close enough friend, I ask. I'd rather buy something wanted or needed. If given free reign I try really hard or get vouchers if I draw a blank. I'd rather get it right or be helpful than waste my money. I actually consider it a mark of close friendship if I'm close enough to someone that they ask me/I can ask them about gift choices.

Then again, DM & I turn in suggestions lists for birthdays & Christmas and buy off those with a surprise or two thrown in- but we know each other!

@kindaclassy

People tend to be completely deluded over their "well chosen" gifts.

.for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated.
Half the posters on here will HATE tablecloth and find them completely dated, and refuse to use them.

Your nice piece of serveware is very likely to clash with my existing stuff.

You have to know someone extremely well to be sure to get them something they will genuinely enjoy, genuinely think as a "treat" and matching their style.

The majority of wedding guests will be utterly grateful to be given a wedding gift list when they ask for one!

Definitely, both of those suggestions just seem like completely pointless shit to me. I'd never think to give either to anyone and if they found their way to me they'd be getting charity shopped. Assuminv the person hadn't been daft enough to personalize them.

Fair play if OP likes them, but even if all her guests share her view not mine, unless it's a tiny wedding, I can't imagine most people want a whole wedding guestlists worth of people's attempts at thoughtful gifts combined with allegedly neutral items like tablecloths. It just isn't practical, especially not now people usually live together before marriage and space in homes tends to be at a premium.

Fundamentally, I just don't think it's a particularly good idea to have a concept of showing love and regard for someone via the medium of items. The answer, as OP and others allude to, is dialling down gift giving generally. People will want to give something at a wedding though, no way round that. The traditions and feelings of obligation there are so much stronger than eg leaving dos.

They sometimes ask for cash for themselves for presents.

You do the same. Ask for cash like they do.

OP, if you already have everything you need, the obvious solution is to put out a list of the charities you support, and ask people to choose one and make a donation in lieu of a gift.
That way, you limit the amount of unwanted shit thoughtful gifts going to landfill, and benefit several worthy causes.
I’m sure there are many struggling women in the third world who need help more than you need ten tablecloths or a dozen kettles.

for me I see it as though asking for ideas means that the act of generosity of giving a gift then passes on the work to me, as I have to think about something that’s appropriate to ask for - you don’t want to ask for something that is hard to find/too expensive etc. If you want to give me a gift, then do but the asking what I want makes it seem like you are doing it out of sheer obligation - which is probably the case but for me misses the whole point.

@yesterdaysbread not everyone thinks the same way you do. For me if someone asks me what I would like doesn’t feel like work to me. It’s just part of a conversation where I answer their question honestly, give a few examples of some things I actually like or need and leave it up to them to decide. Also, I would never interpret their asking for what I would like as them only giving me a gift out of obligation. I give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just trying to be thoughtful and considerate.

but the asking what I want makes it seem like you are doing it out of sheer obligation

That is a very negative and unfair assumption to make about a person and is probably completely untrue. It’s a little judgmental too.

It’s easy to view your way of doing things is better but the truth is it isn’t better. The way you buy gifts isn’t the benchmark for all people to aspire to. When people want to gift you be gracious and appreciate the effort they are making in their own way.

More and more I’m inclined to give ‘experiences’ like afternoon tea or a couples cookery class. You can always club together with another couple if it’s too expensive.

i.e. a kettle which of course we have already...for a wedding gift a nice piece of serveware, or a special tablecloth would seem like good and obvious choices to me if there was nothing else indicated...

See, we don't have a kettle so that would be really useful (old one broke a while back and we don't use it enough to replace immediately). However I don't need any more serveware and if I did I really prefer to choose it myself. Never use a tablecloth either.

So different stuff for different people.

I totally get it, I HATE asking for presents.but have learned to make a list before birthdays and Christmases because otherwise I will get a make up bag and kitchen ware - nothing wrong with them but it's not something I need. Just send them a list!

I do think it's perfectly legitimate to envisage gifts the way you do, and also believe the pleasure in gift giving/receiving should be in the thoughtfulness. I get literally 0 pleasure out of buying something for someone off a list. For our wedding, due to popular demand, we did make a list but it was a list of items that allowed people to pick the details. For example: a set of kitchen knives. Not a specific set of kitchen knives. We also didn't send the list to anyone who didn't ask.

I also remember each gift by the person who gave it, and if society has lost the ability to value thought even if it doesn't meet a material need of stylistic preference, it's gone badly wrong somewhere. Stick to your guns and do it your way :)

I hate the pressure to find a "thoughtful" gift. Even for the people I know best and love most, I have a hard time thinking of something I know they'll like. Combine that with a deep fear of "wasting money", and gift-shopping is a nightmare.

I could make a guess, but even when I know their interests, I don't know which exact things they already have or would like best, and I hate to "waste money" on one thing if they'd rather have something else. I love it when someone has a wish list, because I can treat them to something I know they'll enjoy without cudgelling my brain for weeks and still feeling uncertain.

For a wedding, it's uncommon not to give some type of guidance for what sort of gifts you'd appreciate, because the gifts people traditionally gave (small appliances, towels, linens) are so often not needed, if the couple have already set up their home(s).

You say these people don't hesitate to ask for cash... Why not just do that, if you don't want to bother making a list of specific items?

I'm too much of a control freak. I want what I choose. Nothing anyone else buys can be as good.

Plus, you're putting a load of pressure on people. Maybe they don't have the tone or inclination to try and figure put what you want. Give the people who ask a suggestion or just ask for money or a voucher. It's really not such a big deal. You sound ungrateful.

I mainly think the point is one of many ways to acknowledge someone. For some people, it's a really important way to feel loved, for others it does very little. I'm more in the latter camp and I prefer to make things as easy for others as possible, the thoughtfulness is still there with less stress.

I appreciate having some idea of what to buy, especially for occasions like weddings where the norms can be wildly different. Even with my kids, my thing when they were in the 'can I have...' whenever out phase was 'I can put that on your wishlist' and now that they're old enough, they organize their wishlists with me before big gift giving events. I add in a few things they like, but I like that it's normal for us just to talk about it and learn things like what kinds of gifts have failed to meet expectations before, when did we get it really wrong and when was it even better, it's all part of the fun & acknowledging who they are and showing I care a lot about their thoughts and how they've changed. It's not an obligation at all.

I try to keep in mind places the people I care for like to shop and foods they like that are giftables, my go-to for gifts if I haven't discussed it with them but want to buy them something is a relevant voucher Like I've someone who is really into books, but doesn't tend to have much spare cash & hates feeling like she's bothered someone, so I've been getting her a Story Bundle Gift Card so she can get a bunch without worrying about the expense for either herself or that it's put me out. If I'm seeing them in person, I also like to do food, but I always check after I had about 5 or so years where pretty much everyone gave me fudge to the point it felt weird to get another box. As I joked at the time, I get it's the safest food for me that comes in a pretty box, but come on...

I've had so many 'thoughtful' gifts that have either been passed on or sent to charity shops -- and many of the suggestions would fall in that list including a bottle and chocolate, I've passed on so many of those and no, other than my spouse (I tried for the first few years and then decided it was better to tell him), I don't tell people as I don't want to be a bother.

I add in a few things they like, but I like that it's normal for us just to talk about it and learn things like what kinds of gifts have failed to meet expectations before, when did we get it really wrong and when was it even better, it's all part of the fun & acknowledging who they are and showing I care a lot about their thoughts and how they've changed. It's not an obligation at all.

@BiBabbles We do this with our dc too and I also like that we talk about the sort of things we like, learning about changing interests etc.

YANBU at all OP, I fee exactly the same about gifts. Depending on the recipient I don't always enjoy choosing a gift for someone, but I do think most of the point of a gift is to spend some time thinking about the recipient and what they might like to receive.

People feel so wildly different about gift giving that it is quite hard. My in-laws are obsessed with buying gifts but only those specifically requested and in a certain budget and from specific shops . I really hate being asked to provide gift ideas for me and my family with these restrictive criteria. Honestly I'd rather they didn't bother buying any of us anything at all if they're not prepared to put any thought into it.

As a considerate gift buyer I do sometimes ask if there's anything specific that would be welcome but always make it clear that I'm happy to use my brain and buy a surprise gift.

On the emotional labour point I find the request for me to think of my own bloody gift and those for my family to be emotional labour. I don't ask for gifts and would prefer never to receive them than to have to choose every bloody gift myself and for it to have to come via Amazon

To me, being thoughtful is asking the person what they need/ would like as then they will definitely like and use it. Its nice to buy people things they actually like. It’s not thoughtful to pick something you’d personally like - as others have said, you may think you’re good at picking presents but no one is going to tell you they don’t like your present! Like the example someone gave of dark wood salt and pepper shakers - I don’t see how that is thoughtful as they clearly hadn’t thought about the fact the person already owned a set (who needs more than one set!) and the poster said they hated dark wood so the person clearly hadn’t thought about the fact they’d never seen any dark wood in their house ever before. They just bought something they personally liked even if they thought they were doing something really nice which is a bit sad! Then it ends up just being wasteful and bad for the environment. I don’t think you’re ‘unreasonable’ though, I can see what you’re saying about then having the emotional burden of thinking of something but if you don’t want to do that then just say there’s nothing in particular you’d like and it’s back over to them!

My mother said she got fed up of suggesting gifts before she and my dad got married.
In the end she told everyone to buy her towels and sheets. It meant they all got used and it was a good 30 years before they had to buy any more. So that's always a default option (though even then some people are fussy about all their towels matching or the materials things are made from, so you cant' win).