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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my partner over this shopping incident?

100 replies

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 10:19

Background: we've been together for one and a half years. We don't live together but he sleeps over 4 nights a week. We don't share finances in anyway, we just take turns paying for stuff. He offers to pay for groceries and I let him sometimes. Maybe 25% of the weekly shops we do together?

Which brings up yesterday's incident. We were grocery shopping and he put a couple items in the basket that were intended for him only (clothing items). Nothing expensive, but it came out to 10 euros out of the 30 euro totals. Then at checkout, no mention of paying for those separately or transferring me the money. He just happily let me pay for everything. That's on top of reaching for the expensive organic eggs and ready to eat avocado. I'm a supermarket own brand kind of girl. Although I can comfortably afford the fancy versions of stuff i'm rather frugal and it pains me to spend unneccesarily.

So i was feeling rather let down by this attitude. He's usually so attentive and considerate, that I don't wanna consider him purposefully taking advantage.

Am i crazy to be irked? On the one hand, i always transfer him my share for any items that are mine only that he pays for. On the other, it's only 10 euros and after all he drives us everywhere and won't accept money for gas. I know my first instinct is to be cheap sometimes and i'm mindful to reign it in. But i dont want to accidentally swing too far to the other side and set myself up to be taken advantage of. So AIBU?

OP posts:
HilaryBriss · 01/07/2021 10:24

Just say something. My OH does this occasionally (we don't share finances) and I will just go 'Oy - you owe me £15 for that t-shirt you put in the trolley, I'm not paying for it!'.

JustHavinABreak · 01/07/2021 10:25

It's a pity he didn't mention it but as you said yourself, he picks up the tab fairly regularly and is always considerate towards you. Also, if you never contribute to gas money, then a tenner here and there isn't that big a deal. Ten euro won't keep a car running for long.

It's good that you're self aware enough to say that you are pretty frugal, even unnecessarily so in that it's not because you don't have the money. In this case, I think it's just a case of maybe losing sight of the bigger picture.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 01/07/2021 10:26

I absolutely can’t imagine a scenario where I hand over my money tight-lipped, instead of saying something if I feel I’m being short-changed.

Floralnomad · 01/07/2021 10:28

If you want the money back just ask him for it , personally I’d just let it go but then I have never been the type of person that checks who paid for what etc in our family we have a swings and roundabouts approach .

Sally872 · 01/07/2021 10:28

I would never have clothes included in shop when it is someone else's turn to pay.

However if you feel like he does overall pay his fair share when you include gas or anything else he pays for then it is only 10 euros. I wouldn't be bothered about it.

Youdoyoutoday · 01/07/2021 10:30

But if he regularly pays the petrol then I'd let the 10 euros go to be honest

Strawberrysaxifrage · 01/07/2021 10:31

If he drives everywhere and pays for petrol I think I would be happy enough to absorb this as long as it didn't become a habit, him expecting you to pay for clothes etc for him.

I get that it's more the expectation, him not offering any money, but this wouldn't actually bother me if your spending evens out, or he pays more overall. If not, take him up on his offer to pay more than 25% of the time.

Are you staying with him the other 3 nights a week? Could it be that you're concerned about your utility bills increasing with having him there so often?

buzzandwoodyallday · 01/07/2021 10:31

So you begrudge spending 10 euros on your DP of a year and a half?? Really? I'd give my DP my last pound and he'd do the same. Doesn't sound like a love match if you ask me, and yes, you'd sound incredibly tight if you asked him for the money. I can't believe this has even bothered you.

Iloveitall · 01/07/2021 10:32

I thought you were right that he should pay for his own stuff until I read that he drives you places a lot and doesn’t take petrol money. So I’d now say suck it up.

Ponoka7 · 01/07/2021 10:32

Strictly speaking then you owe him petrol money. I'm aware of the cost of petrol so I'll pay for bits of shopping/takeaway for my boyfriend. Although it's his house we are in as well, so I owe him electricity etc.

Is it costing you to have him stay over? Compare than to petrol and the convience of a car, then work out the shopping.

Tibtab · 01/07/2021 10:32

Should have put them separately on the belt with a divider so he would have to pay for them

ZenNudist · 01/07/2021 10:34

Just ask "oh you've not paid me back for those clothes you added to the supermarket shop yet could you remember to transfer it? It was £30", or whatever

RitaFires · 01/07/2021 10:35

I would definitely feel taken advantage of, he stays with you 4 nights a week but only occasionally pays for food. I would think the staying with you and using the electricity you pay for would more than cover your share of the petrol costs. I think it would be well worth having a conversation about money and how you can pay for things more equally going forward.

FlowerArranger · 01/07/2021 10:36

It's not just the cost of the petrol but also the convenience for you if you don't have a car.

DrManhattan · 01/07/2021 10:37

Go nuts when he's paying. Add a load of stuff in the trolly Moet etc

Taliskerskye · 01/07/2021 10:38

This isn’t how relationships works.
At all.

Oneandanotherone · 01/07/2021 10:39

If you never pay for petrol then you need to let it go.

Souther · 01/07/2021 10:40

If you aren't sharing finances he needs to pay you back. If he doesnt you should ask for it, or next time refuse to pay for it.

Just put his items first. Then a divider and then the rest after.
And when it's time to pay, just stand there looking at him and wait for him to pay.

Original poster
Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 10:42

@Strawberrysaxifrage

If he drives everywhere and pays for petrol I think I would be happy enough to absorb this as long as it didn't become a habit, him expecting you to pay for clothes etc for him.

I get that it's more the expectation, him not offering any money, but this wouldn't actually bother me if your spending evens out, or he pays more overall. If not, take him up on his offer to pay more than 25% of the time.

Are you staying with him the other 3 nights a week? Could it be that you're concerned about your utility bills increasing with having him there so often?

I never stay over at his place, becase he shares a house with family while I live on my own. I wouldn't ask him to contribute to utilities. I feel that would be too petty. But I feel i should let him cover groceries more often, since he eats double what I eat. I just feel bad to let him pay for a week's worth of food when he'll only be spending the week and one other night. So I end up just covering it but then feeling a little resentful sometimes.
OP posts:
Original poster
Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 10:42

Oops i meant only the weekend, not the week

OP posts:
CharlieWorkCharlieSad · 01/07/2021 10:44

I honestly think, this time you let it go. Like you said he pays for other stuff regularly.

But if it happens next time. You take the clothes or whatever out of the trolly and put it on the conveyer belt separately to everything else and tell him to pay for it. You don't have to say it rudely or passive aggressively but you can still tell him!

Darkstar4855 · 01/07/2021 10:49

If he’s driving you around and paying for fuel plus running costs of a vehicle then it probably balances out with the extra food and utilities he costs you so I’d let it go.

After a year and a half you should be able to talk about these things though. I’d say that’s more of an issue than whether or not he owes you ten euros or not.

ThePlantsitter · 01/07/2021 10:52

I wonder if you have different approaches to money? That's not insurmountable but it does need to be talked about if you don't want it to ruin an otherwise nice relationship. Boring but true.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/07/2021 10:53

I think it depends. If he

  • is generous with you (which is sounds like he is if he refuses money for petrol etc) and
  • if over time what you owe him and what he owes you would balance out and
  • if it was the other way round, he wouldn't have asked you for any money

Then I'd be ok with this.

If you buy own brand though and he buys organic artisan stuff then I think you both need to compromise and meet somewhere in the middle (like free range)

JackieTheFart · 01/07/2021 10:53

You need to learn to speak up now, else this will eat you up and he’ll have no idea you think it’s unfair.

I think it probably balances out, but I would expect a boyfriend to pay for his own clothing regardless.