AIBU to be annoyed at my partner over this shopping incident?

[Urghhhhh]

Background: we've been together for one and a half years. We don't live together but he sleeps over 4 nights a week. We don't share finances in anyway, we just take turns paying for stuff. He offers to pay for groceries and I let him sometimes. Maybe 25% of the weekly shops we do together?

Which brings up yesterday's incident. We were grocery shopping and he put a couple items in the basket that were intended for him only (clothing items). Nothing expensive, but it came out to 10 euros out of the 30 euro totals. Then at checkout, no mention of paying for those separately or transferring me the money. He just happily let me pay for everything. That's on top of reaching for the expensive organic eggs and ready to eat avocado. I'm a supermarket own brand kind of girl. Although I can comfortably afford the fancy versions of stuff i'm rather frugal and it pains me to spend unneccesarily.

So i was feeling rather let down by this attitude. He's usually so attentive and considerate, that I don't wanna consider him purposefully taking advantage.

Am i crazy to be irked? On the one hand, i always transfer him my share for any items that are mine only that he pays for. On the other, it's only 10 euros and after all he drives us everywhere and won't accept money for gas. I know my first instinct is to be cheap sometimes and i'm mindful to reign it in. But i dont want to accidentally swing too far to the other side and set myself up to be taken advantage of. So AIBU?

If you're at the stage where this is causing resentment I think there are probably other issues and you're not that into him anymore.

Why can you not ask him about it?

In that case i would pay separately at the supermarket, you pay for what you would usually buy and he buys his own things, i live with my DP but when he starts putting expensive stuff for himself in the basket i tell him he's paying for it

If this was a reverse and a guy would complain for a girl adding a few items in the basket you would get absolutely destroyed on here. It is very joy sucking to live with people as tight as you are, especially if you say you can afford it.

Given that you say he drives you everywhere it sounds like you don't have your own car. Therefore are you aware of the running costs of a car other than fuel?
I would let it go

+when my boyfriend of 3 years gave me a petrol bill of £9 after driving for a lovely weekend away together, it was the last straw and I knew it was time to break up.

Does he pay expenses in the family home? if not then his petrol money isn't really enough of a contribution is it?

You are paying for your home (fair enough) and all your bills 365 for heating / lighting / water /cooking etc and all the food except the little he chooses.
Except he's actually living at your house 3/7 days. So he IS taking the piss if he starts choosing the expensive food and adding clothes etc. He should have paid the WHOLE bill not left it for you.

@Kokosrieksts it's not just a shirt though is it? It is 3/7 nights a week accommodation, food, heating, electricity, showers, etc etc and all this for a minimal contribution to food (that he eats A LOT more of) and then adds personal items to her bill as well.

No idea how much driving is getting done .

But he stays over four nights a week every week and pays for about 25% of groceries and no chipping in for bills. Yes he should pay for his clothing items.

As much as really working it out does seem trivial I do wonder how it balances out. DH and I haven’t had to use the car this week at all but we’re both eating.

Obviously he should have paid but I think the issue here is you have a very unbalanced view of finances. I couldn't imagine being in such a transactional relationship- either set some ground rules for sharing money, or speak up when this sort of stuff happens. If you're just paying for it and being annoyed about it then it doesn't bode well for the relationship I'm afraid.

I think you need to talk to him as it upsets you.

Lucky you living in a country with a vaguely competent government and not in the UK, incidentally.

The OP should better compare her electricity and water bills to what they were before the relationship and send him an invoice. Also the boyfriend should let the OP now the car running costs per mile and add special weekend/ late night tariff.
I honestly cannot believe this penny pinching after 1,5 years.

If it really is one sided and he takes advantage, I apologize for taking the micky as I might be projecting my own experience on to yours. How about next time you go shopping add a few bits for yourself and see if he blinks?

But... why did you pay for them? I would have just put them in a separate section with a divider between on the conveyor belt, paid for the food and waited while he paid for the clothes. Or if he'd said 'Could you pay altogether and I'll give you the money later?' then fine. But I wouldn't have just paid for them as if they were part of my shopping.

@Auntienumber8

No idea how much driving is getting done .

But he stays over four nights a week every week and pays for about 25% of groceries and no chipping in for bills. Yes he should pay for his clothing items.

As much as really working it out does seem trivial I do wonder how it balances out. DH and I haven’t had to use the car this week at all but we’re both eating.

I never ask him to drive me places. When he drives us it's for both our benefit. Of course he'll make a sma detour to drop me off at work when he drives home in the morning. We go on weekend trips that mostly he suggests. Once a month we make a 3h roubdtrip to see my parents. On anything longer than that i'll insist on paying my share.

It's also kinda blurry because he works for his sister's business and pays with a company petrol card, so i'm assuming they count that as deductible business expenses. He alluded to that, but i might have misunderstood.

YABU to not be able to have a conversation with him about this. It’s not a good sign that after a year and a half you quietly seethe over shopping issues. Does he know you feel let down and irked?? Or are you expecting him to work this out for himself? Be more assertive FGS! If you can be open about you feel you will likely be surprised at how he feels and wham bam….you are both talking!!

I'd have said something before we got to the till, in all honesty!
Along the lines of "Are you wanting me to pay for that then?", just to alert him to the fact that I know he's expecting it to just happen, and I'm not keen, especially since he didn't even ASK.

If he then said "oh yes, sorry, I'll pay you back later" - no problem.
If he said "yeah, is that ok? Sorry, I should have checked earlier" then maybe - but I'd have still wanted some assurance that he'd pay me back.
If he just shrugged and said "yeah, and?" then it would have been "no chance matey" and I'd have put a separator down, with his clothes the other side of it.

You should have taken charge of this situation a LOT earlier.

I couldn't get excited about this. Surely it all works out in the end? When you go for a drink/dinner just say 'you can pay for this, I got those clothes for you remember'.

Done. No dramas.

So he isn't paying for the petrol then is he? He isn't covering his share of any extra utilities and he may or may not be paying for the food he eats.

And now he isn't paying for his clothing. He is probably paying less now or nothing to live with his family.

He's a cocklodger.

There’s a fine line between ‘frugal’ and ‘miserly’. If he is not contributing a fair share to bills then yes he should be and you need to address that. Otherwise he’s a long term partner, what’s a few euros here and there and why are you adding it up? Does he keep a ledger of how much time he’s spent giving you lifts and how much that has cost in ware and tear on the car and lost earnings? If this is one sided with him expecting you to pick up all costs fair enough, otherwise I agree with the person who said relationships don’t work like this!

pfft

just don't pay for your share next time

Just because he’s claiming the petrol as tax deductible ( which is not legal for personal miles and commuting btw so may not be claiming it all), it will still be part of his earnings

Seems strange behaviour to me.
Sure, he might be contributing more than fairly elsewhere, but it's just not something you'd do - add items to someone's basket like that - at least not without saying 'I'll pay for the basket' (all of it).

Very odd indeed.

OP, I think he has started testing your boundaries to see how much you will let him get away with.

When you look at the whole pictures, he seems to be mooching off of an awful lot of people. His sister for work, his family for accomodations and now you for clothes. The fact that he did not even say anything when he put that stuff in the trolley pretty much says it all.

I am afraid this will only get worse.

Offer to make him a lovely meal.

Serve up his clothes on the plate, then set fire to them with a blow torch.

Name the dish 'Just Desserts'

I would keep an eye on this. This is how the financial abuse started with my exh and in a few years I paid for absolutely everything and he flew off the handle if I ever asked him to pay for anything. Important to set boundaries and stick to them.