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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my partner over this shopping incident?

100 replies

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 10:19

Background: we've been together for one and a half years. We don't live together but he sleeps over 4 nights a week. We don't share finances in anyway, we just take turns paying for stuff. He offers to pay for groceries and I let him sometimes. Maybe 25% of the weekly shops we do together?

Which brings up yesterday's incident. We were grocery shopping and he put a couple items in the basket that were intended for him only (clothing items). Nothing expensive, but it came out to 10 euros out of the 30 euro totals. Then at checkout, no mention of paying for those separately or transferring me the money. He just happily let me pay for everything. That's on top of reaching for the expensive organic eggs and ready to eat avocado. I'm a supermarket own brand kind of girl. Although I can comfortably afford the fancy versions of stuff i'm rather frugal and it pains me to spend unneccesarily.

So i was feeling rather let down by this attitude. He's usually so attentive and considerate, that I don't wanna consider him purposefully taking advantage.

Am i crazy to be irked? On the one hand, i always transfer him my share for any items that are mine only that he pays for. On the other, it's only 10 euros and after all he drives us everywhere and won't accept money for gas. I know my first instinct is to be cheap sometimes and i'm mindful to reign it in. But i dont want to accidentally swing too far to the other side and set myself up to be taken advantage of. So AIBU?

OP posts:

BillMasen · 01/07/2021 12:04

“I drive my boyfriend around loads, to work in the morning and to his parents 100m away every month. He never offers petrol money but when I added some bits to a good shop he asked e for the money”

“Leave him immediately!”

doyouneedtowean · 01/07/2021 12:06

YABU and stingy. Why do you have to count the pennies so obviously?

It’s going to be very miserable for you both if you’re pulling a face every time he reaches for something that isn’t own brand.

Youdiditanyway · 01/07/2021 12:06

I’d let the 10€ go since he pays for all of the fuel.

starfishmummy · 01/07/2021 12:07

There is clearly is a conversation you need to be having with him in respect of finances, he is not a mind reader.

VerticalHorizon · 01/07/2021 12:10

It's not really about the €10 is it?
It's about the presumption and not discussing it. It's simply not what a normal person would ever do. You'd say 'mind if I stick this in with yours, and we'll sort the money out on the way home' or something similar.

It really wouldn't have been much hardship to just run them by the till as separate items, but the audacity of just adding them to her trolley is CF material. I would never dream of it in a million years.

Franklyfrost · 01/07/2021 12:16

Forget the t-shirt. This is about you feeding him. But it sounds like it just kinda happened that he eats at yours and it became habitual rather than him eating at yours to save money. Suggest you do the weekly shop and he chips in maybe an extra 5 or 10% so that he’s paying 30-35% on weeks when he’s around? I think 25% is fair but if he really does eat double and has more expensive tastes you could bump it up to 35%. If you’re not feeling it financially I find it a little strange that you’re concerned about this. It wouldn’t bother me if it was easily within my means.

starbrightstarlight8888 · 01/07/2021 12:17

All this over 10 Euros?

OccultGnuAsWell · 01/07/2021 12:24

Urghhhhh - I've got a non-cohabiting significant other and we're four years in to a similar arrangement as you. Weekends at mine, weekdays separate. Also separate finances.

I've been financially abused in a previous relationship and am hyper sensitive around money. To the point of being a bit of a pain in the arse frankly.

I've realised if there is ever a time I'm unsettled and uncomfortable around who pays for what then that is the time to talk about it. I don't like it or want to do it but if I don't it festers. If it's talked about then you get an idea of what the other person's thought process is.

It doesn't mean tracking back and halving every receipt, it's about talking it through and settling your mind as to whether you feel it's fair to you and fair to him.

It's initially uncomfortable but once it's resolved it's back to normal. That's our normal, not everyone else's idea of normal but it suits us both to do it this way.

Lockeddown88 · 01/07/2021 12:25

Is this a joke? I am in shock

motogogo · 01/07/2021 12:47

We do this. But it's on the understanding that it all comes out in the wash overtime and if I'm short he'll transfer money (never needed to so far) as he earns 6x my wage! We live together now, it's convenient for me to shop as I'm pt. It
It's down to tryst, you need to talk

Brazilianut · 01/07/2021 12:50

Maybe a discussion needs to be had about your contributions. The fact he did this shows he’s aware of how small your contributions are/ how generous he is with you.

Clear boundaries are needed.

tallduckandhandsome · 01/07/2021 12:53

He's a cocklodger, OP.

He needs to be for 50% of food costs as he's there more than 50% of the week.

tallduckandhandsome · 01/07/2021 12:54

*pay for

Lobelia123 · 01/07/2021 13:02

I think you have to formalise money transactions and expenses. Youre together more often than not, and starting to blur the lines of what is spent by who and when. Just get it all straight and out in the open now, its part of the transition as your relationship moves forward, and will save lots of trouble and misunderstanding in the future.

greymayday · 01/07/2021 13:16

I couldn’t get worked up over this either. If you’d asked him to give you the money and he’d said no, that’d be different. But you haven’t even asked and like a PP said, he’s probably presuming it all evens out in the end - he pays for some coffees one day or whatever. Unless there’s a back story of him being cheeky I couldn’t get wound up about this. Driving you to your parents once a month and not asking for petrol money is a nice thing to do, and you are doing a nice thing letting him stay at yours so often. You sound like a mutually nice couple so unless there’s more to it I wouldn’t stew over this!

1idea · 01/07/2021 13:29

I do t think if balances out of he is paying 25% of food but eating double the amount you do for half the week he should be paying half. It sounds like he is getting a good deal on everything if his car fuel is paid for by work you’re subsiding him a lot. Does he contribute to household tasks at all? I’d feel taken advantage of in your situation.

Newkitchen123 · 01/07/2021 13:29

How do you get to work if he didn't drop you off? You say a small detour? If he stays at yours 4 times a week how many times does he drop you at work?
You say the driving is for your mutual benefit. So is mine and my husband's but we take turns so it's not all on one person. It's not just the fuel it's the miles on the car and also the fact that you couldn't do it if the car wasn't there.
3hr round trip to your parents so say 150 miles?

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 13:45

@1idea

I can't complain about him contributing. He makes breakfast, i make lunch and dinner, but he helps where he can and does the dishes. I don't involve him in cleaning, but he fixes stuff/helps put up furniture when needed, so it evens out. He does plenty for someone who doesn't actually live here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 13:48

@Newkitchen123

How do you get to work if he didn't drop you off? You say a small detour? If he stays at yours 4 times a week how many times does he drop you at work? You say the driving is for your mutual benefit. So is mine and my husband's but we take turns so it's not all on one person. It's not just the fuel it's the miles on the car and also the fact that you couldn't do it if the car wasn't there. 3hr round trip to your parents so say 150 miles?

He picks me up/drops me off at work 2 days a week tops, even less now considering i've been doing work from home at least 50% of the time. And he'd have to drive anyway to come to my place. We just time it so that he can pick me up too. The trip to my hometown is 80km one way.

OP posts:

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 01/07/2021 13:49

He happily let you pay, but you happily paid. You never said anything. I'd have definitely asked him "Are you paying for the food this time, then?"
I'd also say he needs to pay his share, say half the time, if he's staying so often with you.

If there is some kind of unspoken expectation that you're buying his food and clothes in lieu of petrol money, that needs to be agreed. I'd work out petrol costs separately and determine if they roughly lined up with bills. If so, agree that you're covering his share of bills and he's covering your car costs.

After you've been together so long, and with him at yours so much, you need to be able to speak openly with him about this stuff.

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 13:50

And I usually take the bus or walk there. I'm not dependant on him driving me. Plus my office is halfway between our homes with just a small detour.

OP posts:

Naunet · 01/07/2021 13:53

@Youdoyoutoday

But if he regularly pays the petrol then I'd let the 10 euros go to be honest

But he also stays at hers 4 nights a week, so that covers the petrol already, surely?

Naunet · 01/07/2021 13:58

@BillMasen

“Leave him immediately!”

I stay at my partners house 4 nights a week, never offer any money towards the extra cost this creates for him and eat double the amount of food he does…

It works both ways mate, no need to go full Poor Menz.

Wisteriaandwhine · 01/07/2021 14:01

Why did you just silently pay for his clothes without saying anything to him?

You didn't need to stand there helplessly waiting for him to say something or read your mind - you have to take responsibility for speaking up and communicating.

I don't understand why you didn't do that or why you think your failure to communicate is his fault.

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 14:05

@Wisteriaandwhine

Why did you just silently pay for his clothes without saying anything to him?

You didn't need to stand there helplessly waiting for him to say something or read your mind - you have to take responsibility for speaking up and communicating.

I don't understand why you didn't do that or why you think your failure to communicate is his fault.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt that he'll offer to transfer me the money later on. So far he hasn't.

I admit I have a hard time being assertive and I second guess myself in situations where I feel wronged.

OP posts:

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