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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at my partner over this shopping incident?

100 replies

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 10:19

Background: we've been together for one and a half years. We don't live together but he sleeps over 4 nights a week. We don't share finances in anyway, we just take turns paying for stuff. He offers to pay for groceries and I let him sometimes. Maybe 25% of the weekly shops we do together?

Which brings up yesterday's incident. We were grocery shopping and he put a couple items in the basket that were intended for him only (clothing items). Nothing expensive, but it came out to 10 euros out of the 30 euro totals. Then at checkout, no mention of paying for those separately or transferring me the money. He just happily let me pay for everything. That's on top of reaching for the expensive organic eggs and ready to eat avocado. I'm a supermarket own brand kind of girl. Although I can comfortably afford the fancy versions of stuff i'm rather frugal and it pains me to spend unneccesarily.

So i was feeling rather let down by this attitude. He's usually so attentive and considerate, that I don't wanna consider him purposefully taking advantage.

Am i crazy to be irked? On the one hand, i always transfer him my share for any items that are mine only that he pays for. On the other, it's only 10 euros and after all he drives us everywhere and won't accept money for gas. I know my first instinct is to be cheap sometimes and i'm mindful to reign it in. But i dont want to accidentally swing too far to the other side and set myself up to be taken advantage of. So AIBU?

OP posts:

Yaykyay · 01/07/2021 14:06

I think you're being a bit stingey tbh. Especially if he drives a 3hr trip to your parents. Yes he's going to but wouldn't be doing the trip without you.

I think unfortunately lik a lot of self declared frugal people you're probably just a bit tight.

tallduckandhandsome · 01/07/2021 14:06

He is taking advantage of you. Text him asking him to transfer the money.

tallduckandhandsome · 01/07/2021 14:07

@Yaykyay

I think you're being a bit stingey tbh. Especially if he drives a 3hr trip to your parents. Yes he's going to but wouldn't be doing the trip without you.

I think unfortunately lik a lot of self declared frugal people you're probably just a bit tight.

You seem to have "interesting" opinions across threads today.

Millionsofpeachez · 01/07/2021 14:09

I probably would have just put his stuff through separately at the till for him to pay. However he does seem to do rather a lot of driving for you, so it depends whether you feels that balanced it out?

billy1966 · 01/07/2021 14:12

@Auntienumber8

No idea how much driving is getting done .

But he stays over four nights a week every week and pays for about 25% of groceries and no chipping in for bills. Yes he should pay for his clothing items.

As much as really working it out does seem trivial I do wonder how it balances out. DH and I haven’t had to use the car this week at all but we’re both eating.

This.

4 nights a week and eats twice what you do?

Yea right.

I wouldn't be impressed with him adding stuff to the shopping when he pays so little.

He is costing you OP.
He may not be totally tight, but he is costing you.

I would have a think.
4 nights a week is a lot but obviously suits him.

Don't ignore your gut on this.

Naunet · 01/07/2021 14:16

@Yaykyay

I think you're being a bit stingey tbh. Especially if he drives a 3hr trip to your parents. Yes he's going to but wouldn't be doing the trip without you.

I think unfortunately lik a lot of self declared frugal people you're probably just a bit tight.

Are we ignoring the OP homes and feeds him 4 nights a week then?

Aloethere · 01/07/2021 14:32

I think you sound really wet to be honest. You have been together a year and a half and you don't dare say Oi if you want the fancy eggs/avocado/clothes then it's on you?

I don't think he is the man for you if you don't dare open your mouth around him and let resentment build up. You don't sound like relationship material.

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 14:45

@Aloethere

I think you sound really wet to be honest. You have been together a year and a half and you don't dare say Oi if you want the fancy eggs/avocado/clothes then it's on you?

I don't think he is the man for you if you don't dare open your mouth around him and let resentment build up. You don't sound like relationship material.

Wow, that last part is a little presumptious, don't you think?

OP posts:

Naunet · 01/07/2021 14:51

You don't sound like relationship material

Charming 🙄

Newkitchen123 · 01/07/2021 14:54

I put my car in the garage this morning. Mile and a half. I walked home. If I got the bus I think it would have been 2.50 - 3.00. Have to pick car up later so say that is 5 or 6 pounds on the bus. So I'm guessing if you got bus to work it'd be similar. I don't generally use the bus so might have got that wrong.
It all adds up.
How do you get to your parents place without him

lakesummer · 01/07/2021 14:54

You need to have a conversation with him OP.
A talk about how your finances are going to work moving forward.

Looking at how much each of you cost roughly over the time you are together and how much each of you contribute.

Then look at how you work out funding it.

You are going to have think a little bit about how you both want to live.
DH and I had our first row over eggs in the supermarket, he wanted to buy the cheapest I was horrified he didn't want to pay more for free range chickens.

This should be sortable but you need to talk about it.

Coffee4Queen · 01/07/2021 15:03

I would let this one go but start monitoring the spending. Next time he adds expensive items to the basket remove them and say you prefer the cheaper stuff. If he complains tell him he can pay for it himself but you’re sticking with the own brands.

Helenluvsrob · 01/07/2021 16:17

Did you kit just pop them the other side of a “ next customer “ divider and say “ they are yours “ ?

Aprilx · 01/07/2021 16:24

To be honest I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone if I begrudged €10 after 18 months of being together. Perhaps he didn’t realise how what a petty tightwad you are.

Chamomileteaplease · 01/07/2021 17:34

I admit I have a hard time being assertive and I second guess myself in situations where I feel wronged

It sounds to me as if your boyfriend is underestimating how much it is costing you extra to feed him. And you are underestimating how much he is driving you around.

I would:
Get him to clarify the situation re petrol costs and how much his company pays because surely this is important?

I would also say something like "I was surprised you didn't offer to pay me back for those clothes that were in the shopping. Do you think it is ok for me to pay for them? Am I missing something here?" Because this is what you are thinking. Doesn't have to be aggressive - just quite curious!

But I agree with others that maybe you need to talk about all this. And if he's staying at yours four nights a week then he needs to be more regular with him financial help to you. IMO.

Aloethere · 01/07/2021 18:11

Wow, that last part is a little presumptious, don't you think?

Not at all. Relationships need communication, if you cannot do such a basic thing after 18months then something is seriously wrong. You are, I presume, a grown woman and yet here you are expecting your boyfriend to be a mindreader. Playing games like this, getting annoyed and feeling put upon because he isn't a mindreader is immature and not conducive to being in an adult relationship.

Treehaus · 01/07/2021 18:28

I don't see why petrol keeps being brought up when he doesn't have to contribute to bills etc and he stays over, it probably evens out.

I'd find that annoying too, I used to date someone and we would take turns paying for meals out. Surprise surprise he would always want to go somewhere cheap when it was his turn and miraculously just fancy somewhere expensive when it was mine, it was annoying. If he would normally choose the expensive food when he's paying then it's probably not a conscious thing, if he usually buys basic stuff but went a bit supermarket sweep then that's irritating.

SharkAttack1972 · 01/07/2021 18:46

Is he staying over 4 days a week? Then you are at his 3 days?

Original poster

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 18:47

@SharkAttack1972

Is he staying over 4 days a week? Then you are at his 3 days?

I never spend the night at his.

OP posts:

Iggly · 01/07/2021 18:52

Maybe he’s thinking “she’s always expecting me to pay for petrol, so what’s the harm in adding her paying for stuff”.

Because you’re frugal, you feel this more. You need to talk money.

LittleBlackCat22 · 01/07/2021 18:56

I could not imagine asking my partner to pay back a tenner. Or him me.

SudokuZebra · 07/09/2021 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ohthatbloodycat · 07/09/2021 22:02

Jesus, it's a tenner. Don't be so miserable.

Cherrysoup · 07/09/2021 22:06

Tricky, given he pays petrol and drives you to see relatives-how much does that cost? I do find it a bit cheeky putting in clothes and just expecting you to pay.

OnTheBoardwalk · 07/09/2021 22:33

I don't see why petrol keeps being brought up when he doesn't have to contribute to bills etc and he stays over, it probably evens out.

treehous do you drive and take someone to work a couple of days a week or do 160km round trips to visit someone else’s parents without say anything?

I do think it was a case of not thinking for $10. If it’s a bigger issue to you then that then you have to have a chat

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