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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For asking my adult daughter to sign a contract?

87 replies

ADHDgirl · 29/06/2021 19:11

Just that really, she’s 18, her bf 22, her and her partner moved out a while ago and it didn’t work out in their new place so they’ve moved back in with me.

Last time I felt taken advantage of as they didn’t pay any rent or do any housework etc, so this time around my DM suggested I ask them to sign an agreement with a set rent payment and expectations/rules ( they still haven’t signed it despite them having it for 3 days ). I thought it might be a good idea, However my daughter really thinks it’s unfair and like I’m making it too formal, AIBU?

OP posts:
gwenneh · 29/06/2021 19:12

YANBU, but do you intend to enforce it or will she ignore it?

theemmadilemma · 29/06/2021 19:13

YANBU. It didn't work for you last time, in order for it to this time you need the rules. They sign or find somewhere that doesn't require rules.

HollowTalk · 29/06/2021 19:13

I don't think you should have let them move back in, tbh. I'd let her move in, but not a freeloading boyfriend as well.

Suzi888 · 29/06/2021 19:14

Why didn’t it work out in their new place?
Is your agreement going to be legally binding? Will you evict them if they don’t stick to the agreement? if not, then it’s pointless.
The fact that she won’t sign it, suggests she isn’t planning on sticking to it! They need to look for their own place (again).

Biscusting · 29/06/2021 19:14

YANBU, why didn’t it work out at their old place?

Hawkins001 · 29/06/2021 19:14

Also include a direct debit to make sure the arrangements are paid for

CassandraTrotter · 29/06/2021 19:16

They've already moved back in and have refused to sign it. Ao they're already refusing to cooperate this time in your home.

Why are they living together?
Why did they move out last time?
Why have you let them both love back in?

toocold54 · 29/06/2021 19:22

YANBU, but do you intend to enforce it or will she ignore it?

Completely agree.
If they didn’t follow the rules last time what makes you think they will this time?
If the contract says they need to do XYZ else they need to move out then will they accept it and move out or refuse to leave/complain about it?

ufucoffee · 29/06/2021 19:24

The fact she thinks it's unfair indicates she'll behave in exactly the same way. If they don't pay rent this time don't buy food, switch off the internet etc etc.

Original poster
ADHDgirl · 29/06/2021 19:25

Thank you for the replies, yes I intend to enforce it, I do find it hard because I’m not a confrontational person I find it difficult so I thought the agreement would give me a small piece of mind so I could pull it out and say this was the agreement and you’ve broken it so it’s time to move on. Leverage if that makes any sense?

The lady they moved in with for a flatshare was quite nasty towards them and so they gave their notice and did ask me if they could move back and they’d pay rent, I had conversations with my DD beforehand and made it clear what rent was expected and the expectations and rules I wanted followed, she agreed to these, but is giving me a hard time for being too formal and asking for too much rent.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 29/06/2021 19:25

How old were they both the last time they lived with you? Do they work?

LemonRoses · 29/06/2021 19:27

Personally, I think the idea of your own child whose just about an adult signing a contract borders on ludicrous. It sounds entirely dysfunctional.
Have a conversation.

Melitza · 29/06/2021 19:28

she agreed to these, but is giving me a hard time for being too formal and asking for too much rent.

Well that's tough luck isn't it.
She wants to be treated like an adult living with her bf then she needs to act like one and pay a fair rent and be respectful of your home.

VettiyaIruken · 29/06/2021 19:29

You don't need a signed agreement. You need to say these are the rules. The first time you break them, you find somewhere else to live.

She needs to know that this signing the agreement is purely symbolic and you don't need her to sign it in order to tell her to leave if she starts taking the piss

Original poster
ADHDgirl · 29/06/2021 19:31

@LemonRoses I did try the conversation route previously and it was just swept under the carpet, hence the agreement this time.
They moved out last time because they didn’t want to stick to the rules, so she was old enough to make that decision as she was 18, she was only gone for 4 months. I wouldn’t say we’re dysfunctional but she’s extremely strong headed and stubborn, whereas I’m completely opposite.

I also have 2 other children with additional needs so having a well running household is important.

I let her move back in because she’s my daughter and I suppose I feel a sense of responsibility towards her.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 29/06/2021 19:32

The person they shared with was nasty?

Given you version of events of living with your previously;laziness,not doing their fair of the housework etc are you sure they weren't just a nightmare for the flatmate to share with?

Or that they didn't like being adults and having to budget for bills,food etc?

I'd be putting a limit on the amount of time they can live with you and be pushing them to find a place of their own ASAP and that this is only a stop gap.

DuckAndPancakes · 29/06/2021 19:32

My Mum did the same when I moved back in with her, 19, pregnant and alone. I'm very, very glad that she did.

CastawayQueen · 29/06/2021 19:33

You don’t need an agreement if you enforce the rules strictly.
By signing it you’re stating that you’re going to use it to kick them out of the house in some way - at that point the relationship will have broken down irretrievably.

Orf1abc · 29/06/2021 19:33

How do you intend to enforce it?

If you want to enter into a commercial arrangement, then you'll need to declare the income, and fulfil the obligations that go with being a landlord. Is that really what you're looking for?

CatchThatCat · 29/06/2021 19:34

I am also on the side of those saying a firm conversation would be more normal than a contract, and you need to emphasise that it isn’t working for you unless they step up as they’ll have to move out

CastawayQueen · 29/06/2021 19:34

Also surely you can do things like changing the Wifi password and not letting them have it.
They should sign the agreement IMO even if only symbolic.
Also you have a responsibility to your daughter but not her boyfriend. Kick him out I say

RoseRedRoseBlue · 29/06/2021 19:40

You seem like a very nice Mum, but everything you have said so far tells me you will not ever enforce the contract.

CoralSparkles · 29/06/2021 19:42

Allow your Dd to move back, but she has to contribute to the food shop etc. Don’t let her freeloading boyfriend live there.

Crinkle77 · 29/06/2021 19:43

I wouldn't even bother with the contract. Tell them what the conditions are and if they don't meet them they'll be out on their ear.

HeyDemonsItsYaGirl · 29/06/2021 19:44

This isn't going to end well. Your daughter is already resentful and it doesn't sound like you'll be assertive enough to kick them out if they take the piss (which they will).

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