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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For asking my adult daughter to sign a contract?

87 replies

ADHDgirl · 29/06/2021 19:11

Just that really, she’s 18, her bf 22, her and her partner moved out a while ago and it didn’t work out in their new place so they’ve moved back in with me.

Last time I felt taken advantage of as they didn’t pay any rent or do any housework etc, so this time around my DM suggested I ask them to sign an agreement with a set rent payment and expectations/rules ( they still haven’t signed it despite them having it for 3 days ). I thought it might be a good idea, However my daughter really thinks it’s unfair and like I’m making it too formal, AIBU?

OP posts:
AmberIsACertainty · 29/06/2021 20:23

For all those asking about her bf, he doesn’t have any family or close friends here, he’s got settled status as he’s from an EU country. I suppose sometimes I’m just to nice for my own good.

You are. None of this is your problem or responsibility. At 22 he should have a job. There are lots of flat shares out there, he'll have to get one. Even if you're charging market rent, which I doubt, he'll be getting free food. You don't need to facilitate his lifestyle. If they're together and living cheaply they'll have no incentive to move out. Do the agreement with just your DD and ask him to leave within a week.

Clymene · 29/06/2021 20:24

@2bazookas

If you give them a written contract they are tenants, and you might bitterly regret giving them that legal advantage. It means that if you want them out, and they refuse, you would have to take them to court.

Worse, having tenants creates legal obligations on you, as their landlord, not to do anything they can re[present as "harassment" or an infringement of their rights to privacy in their own room etc. Plus a whole raft of LL health and safety and insurance regulations which could make life difficult and expensive for you if weaponised by them.

 You could end up in a really ugly situation where  they won't leave;  and you can't evict them OR take them to court for rent because  as a LL taking rent  you would face fines  and  financial trouble.  ( Gas checks up to date?  have you invalidated your mortgage terms?  Have you invalidated your  property insurance? )</div></div>

No they're not tenants, they're lodgers.

QueeniesCroft · 29/06/2021 20:24

@2bazookas

If you give them a written contract they are tenants, and you might bitterly regret giving them that legal advantage. It means that if you want them out, and they refuse, you would have to take them to court.

Worse, having tenants creates legal obligations on you, as their landlord, not to do anything they can re[present as "harassment" or an infringement of their rights to privacy in their own room etc. Plus a whole raft of LL health and safety and insurance regulations which could make life difficult and expensive for you if weaponised by them.

 You could end up in a really ugly situation where  they won't leave;  and you can't evict them OR take them to court for rent because  as a LL taking rent  you would face fines  and  financial trouble.  ( Gas checks up to date?  have you invalidated your mortgage terms?  Have you invalidated your  property insurance? )</div></div>

Surely they would be lodgers, not tenants?

AmberIsACertainty · 29/06/2021 20:26

2bazookas OP won't be a landlord with all those responsibilities as she lives there so it'll be a lodger situation ie they'll have pretty much zero rights. If OP wants them gone she can bag up their stuff, put it on the doorstep and change the locks, all with very little notice.

ivykaty44 · 29/06/2021 20:28

However my daughter really thinks it’s unfair and like I’m making it too formal, AIBU?

your dd is at liberty to move else where if she is unhappy with the contract, there is no reason for her to stay

pay up and live by the house rules or find alternative accommodation

Tistheseason17 · 29/06/2021 20:29

This is not going to end well if she's not respected you and signed already.

QueeniesCroft · 29/06/2021 20:31

I suppose sometimes I’m just to nice for my own good.

That's an excuse and you know it. It isn't nice, and it isn't helpful to your daughter to not enforce proper boundaries. If you want the boyfriend to live in (and possibly dominate) your house, then crack on. If you don't, then it's your responsibility to put a stop to it.

I have great sympathy with your situation, but you have played an active part in it. You don't need to be so passive, it's a choice you are making. I understand only too well how daunting it can be to stand up and say "No!", but you need to do it now, for both of your sakes.

CastawayQueen · 29/06/2021 20:32

OP - you have other children - your first responsibility as a parent is to THEM.
How is it far to subject them to trouble caused by a random person you have no responsibility towards?
Also your daughters boyfriend doesn’t sound like a good influence.
100% kick him out but let her stay.

postitgirl · 29/06/2021 20:32

I dont think I'd want the boyfriend in the house tbh. He is definitely not your responsibility. Your daughter is still young, is she working or in college. My daughter is 17 but no way would I let her boyfriend move in...!!!! And if it's just her on her own you might find it easier to 'confront' her about taking responsibility re chores etc.

CastawayQueen · 29/06/2021 20:32

*fair

CastawayQueen · 29/06/2021 20:33

@postitgirl great minds think alike 😅😎

okokok000 · 29/06/2021 20:34

You're jot being unreasonable. The fact they're reluctant suggests they don't agree with the terms and are therefore less likely to comply. Good luck!

Maggiesfarm · 29/06/2021 20:34

Do your daughter and boyfriend have jobs?

postitgirl · 29/06/2021 20:35

just saw that boyfriend is 22... er no, he has to stand on his own 2 feet. get a shared place if he cant afford rent on his own. OP you have other children. You will regret it if you don't say no now. I know you think you've already agreed - but like them, you can change your mind. Your daughter might flounce and sulk but you're offering her a bed, and a home, and it's up to her to take it or not. No boyfriend though. You said yourself it didn't "work out" last time. C'mon OP get some backbone lol

CassandraTrotter · 29/06/2021 20:35

I suppose sometimes I’m just to nice for my own good

It isnt being nice to have poor boundaries with your children. Your daughter needs you right now to het her in the right direction. She doesn't need you to facilitate her playing grown-ups.

What is she doing at the moment? What ate her medium and long-term goals? How is she planning on achieving them?

I think you need to really discuss her plans with her before playing house turns in to playing families. And that’s not a game.

Famousinlove · 29/06/2021 20:36

So her bf wants to live with you for free/as little as possible? CF

PaterPower · 29/06/2021 20:39

I don’t think I’d be allowing the BF to move in. Especially into what sounds like an already full and busy household.

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 29/06/2021 20:41

Of course you aren't being unreasonable, but think of the consequences if they break the agreement, and tbh, they don't appear to be very mature.

My teenagers are much younger, but maybe take a softer approach and say you're happy for them to stay with you for a limited time but that after January, if they haven't found somewhere, it will be a very strict contract.

In other words, say you are happy to be the place of last resort, but that you expect them to make other arrangements.

2bazookas · 29/06/2021 20:41

A lodger who refuses to pay rent/leave when told can cause just as much trouble, if not more .

www.guillaumes.com/news/taking-in-a-lodger-what-are-the-rights-of-a-lodger-and-landlord

OP needs to check with her own LL, or mortgage lender, or household insurer, if they permit her to have a rent paying lodger (NB, the BF is no a family member).

Also she needs to take a close look at BF's claim to have "Right to Remain".

www.gov.uk/check-tenant-right-to-rent-documents/how-to-check

I'd also be speaking to previous "nasty Landlady" to get the real story.

saraclara · 29/06/2021 20:41

Absolutely insist on a direct debit to pay for their rent. Otherwise you'll never see it. If they complain, then they find somewhere else to live.

mn2022 · 29/06/2021 20:42

Maybe work on improving your relationship with your daughter first?

saraclara · 29/06/2021 20:43

...just don't call it rent, if that could lead to legal complications. It's a contribution to expenses.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/06/2021 20:43

Good thing you plan to enforce it. Problem is, they've been able to ignore the rules in the past so they probably don't truly believe you will.

A friend is in the same situation. Her DD & BF moved in and the (then) non-working BF didn't lift a finger to help, they left messes everywhere, and they had noisy sex in the shower. She finally kicked them out.

Now the BF is out of a job and they've asked to move back in (this time with 2 dogs, friend has a cat). They say that they've 'changed' but she's not willing to take the risk. She's said a flat NO to them both moving in. She told her DD that she is welcome to move in by herself with the small dog but that BF and the other (huge) dog must look to his family for shelter.

I'd tell your DD the same thing, that she's welcome to move in, but the BF will have to look elsewhere.

tallduckandhandsome · 29/06/2021 20:45

I wouldn’t let them move in.

I wonder if the ‘nasty’ LL really was nasty or if she just had enough of them.

toocold54 · 29/06/2021 20:51

You sound lovely OP.
I agree with PPs that say you don’t even need a written contract just be very transparent with the rules. And if they break those rules you give them a clear warning and say if this happens again then this is going to happen. You don’t have to be mean about it just be clear. E.g If they’ve not paid the rent on the correct day explain that you can’t afford to let them live there rent free and if they’ve not got it to you by then end of the week you’ll have to ask them to leave.