For asking my adult daughter to sign a contract?

[ADHDgirl]

Just that really, she’s 18, her bf 22, her and her partner moved out a while ago and it didn’t work out in their new place so they’ve moved back in with me.

Last time I felt taken advantage of as they didn’t pay any rent or do any housework etc, so this time around my DM suggested I ask them to sign an agreement with a set rent payment and expectations/rules ( they still haven’t signed it despite them having it for 3 days ). I thought it might be a good idea, However my daughter really thinks it’s unfair and like I’m making it too formal, AIBU?

I'd ask for a deposit of rent for 2 months in advance... If it gets close to the next payment and they haven't paid or done their fair share then I'd tell them to pay up, or start looking elsewhere

So before signing the contract she's ALREADY complaining that you're being unfair?
I feel for you OP, I really do. I totally understand you wanting to bail her out and be nice. But for the sake of your own life and the other two children, you need to be clear and firm. The contract isn't up for discussion; if she wants to move in she signs it and abides by it.

Sounds like they are already Ripping the PISS OP.

They have nowhere else to go, well that's what happens when you don't pay rent... not your problem, and the Boyfriend is certainly not your problem.

Tell them to leave, as they will not engage and agree with your terms, so ByeBye..

Well, those are your terms whether they sign it or not - do they suggest any changes? Tell them by staying they agree to your terms otherwise they can make other arrangements.

Are they both working? If so, set up a direct debit from both of them into your account. Sit down and agree what housework you expect them to do, and house rules.

@HollowTalk

I don't think you should have let them move back in, tbh. I'd let her move in, but not a freeloading boyfriend as well.

This I would take my child back in a housing emergancy but not the partner, hes not my responsability and can go to his own family especially not if he had form for mooching.

Only exception would be if it was a partner pregnant with my grandchild that need emergency help then I would view it as helping my grandchild but I would expect it to be short term, just while they sort somewhere else.

Chuck them out. I wouldn't even bother with written contracts. Make them pay upfront or out on their ear. Cheeky pair.

Its think its odd that you've drawn up a formal agreement.

Is your relationship not strong enough that you cant sit down and have a good talk to her about it all? She's only 18, she still needs her mums support!

Acceptable reactions to your request on her part would be

1. To sign
2. To request a meeting to discuss reasonable alterations to the agreement
3. To decide to find someplace else to live

She has had plenty of time to do any of the above. Since she is only 18 I would let her stay without the contract for now, but the 22 yo boyfriend needs to go immediately.

The fact that she is giving you a hard time suggests little humility on her part for the role she played in making you cautious about the arrangement.
If I had mistreated the privilege so much last time that I had made my parent reluctant to open their home to me again I would be sitting a much more featuring and conciliatory tone than it sounds like she is. Getting kickback for your caution doesn't suggest she appreciates that she has not quite burnt a bridge but given it shaky foundations.
I would be pointing that out to her and expecting her to change her attitude before I left myself wide open to being taken advantage of again.
Personally I think all this should be fine without a contract, the contract is a symptom of your wariness about which she appears to not give a hoot.. so the contract is a red herring.
Stuff conversation required imo

They sign and comply or move out. That’s it. And I’d take the ‘nasty’ flat mate story with a pinch of salt

Taking a much morereassuring and conciliatory tone

@LemonRoses

Personally, I think the idea of your own child whose just about an adult signing a contract borders on ludicrous. It sounds entirely dysfunctional. Have a conversation.

I agree and eighteen is awfully young to be living with a man. Most are still in education or just left at that age.

They don't have to live together.

The conversation needs to be had with both of them, not just your DD. Sit them down, make sure they both set up a Direct Debit for their half of the rent, talk through to house rules and what happens if they cannot follow them.

At 18, I'd take DD back in, but there's little chance I'd have the 22 year old adult male in my home.

Beyond exceptional circumstances, they should take their time, save and plan how they want to live together, and will benefit from doing so without being facilitated by you. I don't think it's particularly helpful for the short-term, potentially impulsive and poorly thought out decisions of emerging adults to be facilitated in this way by actual adults.

@Viviennemary

Chuck them out. I wouldn't even bother with written contracts. Make them pay upfront or out on their ear. Cheeky pair.

This. In buckets full.

She is already giving you a hard time? I hate to say it, but maybe that lady wasnt just straight out nasty, maybe she could see your daughter is a bit of a chancer.

I think theyre fibbing about what happened probably didnt like rules so come scurrying back

i would have taken daughter in maybe but not her bf hasnt he got his own family

It doesn’t sound like your dd is ready to adult. I’m another one saying why on Earth is the bf living with you? And I agree with a pp, who said if they acted like they did at the house share as they do at yours, the woman was probably frustrated rather than horrible.

Sounds like you’ve rolled out the doormat whatever you’re saying.

Give them till 10pm to sign a or fuck off.

I wouldn't indulge her little fantasy with the boyfriend myself and would have already told him to fuck.off- and welcomed her- but that's me

Thanks for all your helpful comments, I mainly just wanted to make sure I wasn’t being a really unreasonable person.

For all those asking about her bf, he doesn’t have any family or close friends here, he’s got settled status as he’s from an EU country. I suppose sometimes I’m just to nice for my own good.

I guess I have to make sure the rules are clear, get a standing order set up for the rent and make sure I tell them it’s time to leave if they don’t do as they’re asked.

I doubt their landlady was nasty - I think they just tried to treat her same ad they treated you, and she didn’t put up with them.
A contract is not going to solve your issue (= that they don’t respect you).

I would not ask my child to sign a contract (nor ask for rent but that’s entirely up to you) but I would enforce house rules.

And no I would not house the boyfriend. The idea of having to share my private home with him - ugh.

I wouldn’t be allowing an 18 year old to be living with a boyfriend unless they had the funds to support themselves. It’s ridiculous to live together with a parent unless they’re actively saving up to buy and you know this is true. She’s a little girl playing house

You need to talk to them both. The contract doesn't achieve much. Ultimately it's down to you to enforce rules, contract or not. By all means get one if you want, it might help your mindset if nothing else, but the contract isn't going to do the job for you.

If you give them a written contract they are tenants, and you might bitterly regret giving them that legal advantage. It means that if you want them out, and they refuse, you would have to take them to court.

Worse, having tenants creates legal obligations on you, as their landlord, not to do anything they can re[present as "harassment" or an infringement of their rights to privacy in their own room etc. Plus a whole raft of LL health and safety and insurance regulations which could make life difficult and expensive for you if weaponised by them.

 You could end up in a really ugly situation where  they won't leave;  and you can't evict them OR take them to court for rent because  as a LL taking rent  you would face fines  and  financial trouble.  ( Gas checks up to date?  have you invalidated your mortgage terms?  Have you invalidated your  property insurance? )