Issue with sister exaggerating/lying - illness related

[Raffleyourdoughnut]

I have an older sister who exaggerates/lies all the time. The most recent examples relate to her job hunting. She works in IT as part of the company's IT support team. She apparently has been headhunted for deputy head teacher job (which she turned down) even though she has never been a teacher or manager. She also exaggerates/lies about other stupid stuff like her house costing £500,000 when it didn't and her husband earning 6 figures when he doesn't. Her nonsense is usually something minor and easily disproven.

That gives you a flavour of her exaggeration/lies. I've got dozens of other examples.

Today she has called my parents to to say her gp has diagnosed her with a condition which I know for a fact a gp can't diagnose without either seeing her in person or running any tests. The condition is usually diagnosed after seeing a specialist and having tests done. I know because my boyfriend has the condition she is talking about (which she also knows). She has now posted her diagnosis on Facebook and has received lots of sympathy.

Usually her nonsense doesn't bother me as it is harmless. However this time she has gone too far. Our DPs have called me really upset and worried for her. The condition she has picked is serious, painful and life limiting.

AIBU to call her out on this (privately first)? The problem is she never backs down when caught out so she won't retract her FB post willing which will mean I may have to do it publicly. She could easily say to people her gp made a terrible mistake but I know she would never back down.

The person didn't actually get a diagnosis of admit to anything. Joint family therapy was a disaster

I can well imagine, @PrettyLittleFlies.
Also not surprised that it went better when you went without the Relative, but with a clear & focused goal in mind.

Somewhat akin to not entering couples therapy if one of the pair is abusive. Not saying your Relative was, but someone avoidant of diagnosis & refusing to deal with facts ("admit anything") is not going to be a satisfactory candidate for family therapy.

Your hard & patient work clearly paid off, & I'm pleased for you & family. But I wonder - were you able to manage this because Relative lied by default rather than to deliberately damage?

I'm asking because some of my own Relatives lied to cause pain, to puppeteer, or just for the sick joy of pulling the wool. It made them feel powerful, & superior. If they lied purely due to compulsion, I could work with it. But I won't work with deliberate cruelty ... so I wondered, was there an absence of cruelty with you Relative, in order for you to summon enough empathy to get through it?

Conversely, I also have an acquaintance, who bullshits for Britain. But it's so clearly self-aggrandisement & not malice that's driving him that he's a doddle to deal with. A kindly 'firm but fair' out of earshot of anyone else, & he drops the act for a while, in front of me anyway.
All I need to do is remind him that he knows he's fibbing, I know he's fibbing, & that he doesn't need to be anyone other than himself to win approval.

Sod it! hit send too soon - meant to close with Q for @PrettyLittleFlies - is your Relative more like my Relative, or like my Acquaintance in manner? Thank you!

@ChargingBuck

Oh that does sound difficult, very unpleasant. I think my relative was v messed up and some of the lies were not so much fantasy but trying to shift responsibility for their behaviour. Which of course hurt other people but I don't think that was the objective.

Spite for the sake of it is awful. Your relative sounds very toxic. I guess I would want to distance myself/protect myself. Really self preservation needs to come first, don't you think?

As for your colleague , what an idiot. Must be hard to respect them!

I think both your people sound different to mine but ultimately I guess it depends how important the relationship is ie. how much will you lose by losing the relationship? In my case we felt it was worth fighting for (though certainly there were times when we nearly gave up)

I hope that helps x

Just a wee update.

My sister last night posted on Facebook that she was the victim of misdiagnosis and she doesn't have MS. She thanked everyone for their thoughts and prayers. 🤢

I called her to see what was going on and apparently she was confused with what she was told as the doctor was foreign with an accent that she couldn't understand. She then went on a wee rant about foreign doctors in the NHS. She phoned the gp to confirm what he said and was told she is perimenopausal. That's what she was told by her gp. 🙄🤥 Lovely racist and a liar.

Thankfully she has told our parents that she doesn't have MS.

She has always been hyper competitive and attention seeking. Coincidentally I'm getting an operation on Monday and I've been getting a bit more attention. Funnily enough.

She obviously has a MH issue. I'm already LC because she hates it when I call her out on her nonsense.

How could you conceivably mistake being told that you are perimenopausal with having MS? Apart from anything else, surely you can work out that the symptoms would be totally different and that no-one would ever diagnose you with MS without having first carried out a LOT of tests? And that if you did have MS you'd have been given lots of information about what happens next, MS treatments etc? No one with half a brain could mistake advice on perimenopause with a programme of treatment for MS.

I'd be tempted to tell her that, if she must lie, she should at least put enough effort in to make it convincing.

Terhou that is one of the reasons I am LC with her. She doesn't like being called out on her nonsense and being told she is a joke.

I can't stand people that lie about stupid things and serious stuff too. Just no need. I remember a friend in high school used to always lie about the most stupidest things, it was just ridiculous, she even once lied about having cancer. She used to lie to boys about having to pay bills at home and they would give her money as they felt sorry for her. One boy few years older than us when we were at college have her 2k, and that's when all her lies unraveled, as his parents and sister went ballistic who then got in contact with us regarding it.

Many years later she was diagnosed with skin cancer and breast cancer, I can only think that was real as her husbands on Facebook and that's where she announced it, she put pics of being in hospital having treatment too. Breast cancer they were able to treat, so she's free of that thankfully, and skin cancer is something she said she will have to deal with for the rest of her life with medication.

OP,

Your sole focus should be protecting your parents.

Surely they must know at this stage that she has massive issues?

Liars are exhausting and you can never win.

Interestingly this article is currently on the BBC news page.

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/b2538e04-87f5-4af5-bd6f-f6cf88b488c4

OP I have a sibling who would say things that I suspected weren't true. They took themselves off and stopped speaking to anyone in the family so that was that - but they are on SM and I look (just look) at that occasionally to check that they're still alive and well. They may not be a saint but they're still my sibling IYKWIM.

Anyway they're still at it - post about how no-one in their family ever had any interest in hobby X - I have a book upstairs from my childhood about it, did it with my friends and once won a prize for it on a family holiday. I just roll my eyes and joke about it with DH (who has his own mad family so understands 100%!)

Wow @Raffleyourdoughnut do your parents not see through this?

How can they think it is likely that she left a gp's office misdiagnosed with ms 🙄

Hope your own operation goes well.

[quote PrettyLittleFlies]@ChargingBuck

Oh that does sound difficult, very unpleasant. I think my relative was v messed up and some of the lies were not so much fantasy but trying to shift responsibility for their behaviour. Which of course hurt other people but I don't think that was the objective.

Spite for the sake of it is awful. Your relative sounds very toxic. I guess I would want to distance myself/protect myself. Really self preservation needs to come first, don't you think?

As for your colleague , what an idiot. Must be hard to respect them!

I think both your people sound different to mine but ultimately I guess it depends how important the relationship is ie. how much will you lose by losing the relationship? In my case we felt it was worth fighting for (though certainly there were times when we nearly gave up)

I hope that helps x[/quote]
Thank you Pretty, yes, it was v hard to respect colleague/acquaintance!
I distanced emotionally from him for unrelated reasons (pervy & entitled around a young colleague's sexual orientation. What IS it with some guys that they think lesbians are fair game for speculative & public remarks about ... arrrgh, sorry just can't continue that sentence).

Moving 200 miles away helped, & I got a LOT of practice with "that doesn't work for me" style fend-offs each time he decided I'd love to have him come to stay ...

'Relative' - thanks, yes it was more toxic than I want anyone here to imagine. "Solved" 4 years ago when I had the temerity to reference, for the first & only time, the CSA they perpetrated 4 decades ago.
Reader ... they NC'd me!

Thanks for taking the time to respond: sometimes a person can doubt their own reality, & I had a waft of "if I'd tried harder, or tried what Pretty managed to do, maybe ..."
but that's just negative self-talk, & shades of the perpetrator's old gaslighting bullshit.

So pleased for you about your own journey with helping your relative heal, & that you were all worth it, to each other.
xx
xx

@Raffleyourdoughnut

Terhou that is one of the reasons I am LC with her. She doesn't like being called out on her nonsense and being told she is a joke.

Well done Raffley. If she doesn't like being called out, she needs to quit the bullshit or quit your company. Sorry, I know you know this, but this level of dysfunction is so exhausting it's so easy to doubt ourselves isn't it? So I hope your thread's been cathartic & validating to you, you deserve a pat on the back.

Your update prior to this one did make me laugh.
Their 'script' is so predictable isn't it?

As to the bloody foreigners. Coming here, propping up our NHS ...

It's Friday - have a selection of boozes, you have certainly earned them :)

@ChargingBuck

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad the CSA perpetrator went non contact but it's just a pity you didn't feel able to make that call years earlier. Some people are just grotesque. 😔

Your colleague sounds worse with your update, ugh I don't know how you can bear it but props to you for managing so well. None of his behaviour sounds OK, in fact surely he is breaching employment law?

StillCalmX the scales are falling from their eyes. They are starting to question everything she said to them. I think this was the last straw.

I once had a colleague who always used to claim that she had had any illness that anyone else cared to mention. Once someone asked her if she had had Rigor Mortis and she said yes, giving a graphic description of her sufferings

Competitive rigor mortis 😆😆

[quote PrettyLittleFlies]@ChargingBuck

Oh my gosh, I'm so glad the CSA perpetrator went non contact but it's just a pity you didn't feel able to make that call years earlier. Some people are just grotesque. 😔

Your colleague sounds worse with your update, ugh I don't know how you can bear it but props to you for managing so well. None of his behaviour sounds OK, in fact surely he is breaching employment law?[/quote]
Thank you Pretty.

Yes, it's taken decades to untangle the "FOG" re: perpetrator.
NC is the biggest gift they & their Flying Monkey ever gave me.
I didn't have to make the decision, I stopped losing sleep worrying for them both (I know, I know ... ), & I am FREE.

The other guy - he was the acquaintance, the young woman was my colleague - but we'd met up socially with some others, so outside of work. His behaviour made it very easy to resist his requests my company after that.

Oh my! - this has reminded me - he ALSO turned up at my flat the day after an Ex split. Ex was one of his best mates. Bold as brass, he asked if he could be a candidate for next b/f. Gah!
I was more enraged by his lack of loyalty (so attractive in a potential swain, no?) than his club-footed fuckwittery in propositioning a person not yet 24 hours out of a long-term relationship.

Anyway, long digression, but I HAVE caught up with OP's update now.
Very good news that her parents are starting to catch up with reality.
Good luck OP.