Issue with sister exaggerating/lying - illness related

[Raffleyourdoughnut]

I have an older sister who exaggerates/lies all the time. The most recent examples relate to her job hunting. She works in IT as part of the company's IT support team. She apparently has been headhunted for deputy head teacher job (which she turned down) even though she has never been a teacher or manager. She also exaggerates/lies about other stupid stuff like her house costing £500,000 when it didn't and her husband earning 6 figures when he doesn't. Her nonsense is usually something minor and easily disproven.

That gives you a flavour of her exaggeration/lies. I've got dozens of other examples.

Today she has called my parents to to say her gp has diagnosed her with a condition which I know for a fact a gp can't diagnose without either seeing her in person or running any tests. The condition is usually diagnosed after seeing a specialist and having tests done. I know because my boyfriend has the condition she is talking about (which she also knows). She has now posted her diagnosis on Facebook and has received lots of sympathy.

Usually her nonsense doesn't bother me as it is harmless. However this time she has gone too far. Our DPs have called me really upset and worried for her. The condition she has picked is serious, painful and life limiting.

AIBU to call her out on this (privately first)? The problem is she never backs down when caught out so she won't retract her FB post willing which will mean I may have to do it publicly. She could easily say to people her gp made a terrible mistake but I know she would never back down.

Sounds like your sis has a MH issue. I have MS, it is a long process and certainly not something a GP would dx. I saw my GP, when I experienced my first attack, my symptoms were very acute, GP didn’t even mention MS to me, he was concerned and said I needed urgent referral to Neurologist. Saw neurologist was put on steroids, MRI, blood tests, chest x ray. Every possible condition was ruled out. MRI showed lesions on my brain & two areas of inflammation in my spinal cord, even then MS was not confirmed until my second relapse two years later, and then after MRI showed.a new lesion in a different part of my brain. Shocking that anyone would lie about such a life changing dx.

Also, schools do not headhunt

Tell that to two schools I’ve worked for! Of course schools headhunt. My current school offers a financial incentive if you get someone to apply.

@Cherrysoup

Also, schools do not headhunt

Tell that to two schools I’ve worked for! Of course schools headhunt. My current school offers a financial incentive if you get someone to apply.

I somehow doubt they headhunt people with no teaching qualification or experience for Deputy Head posts.

I sympathise as my MIL is like this. Narcissistic compulsive liar. Told all her kids she had terminal cancer years back and it turned out to be a lie. Has been caught in big lies many times since too. My advice is to call her out if you feel strong enough. My BIL started to take after his mum too years back and told some whopping lies that involved us looking bad to make him look good. I called him out and told him if he ever told lies about us again I would destroy him publicly. He stuttered, apologised and never did it again that I know of so sometimes an enraged angry confrontation can have the shock effect needed. I’m not saying it as advice as only you know if you think a confrontation would work.

If she's going to lie about an illness, she's certainly picked one that is notoriously difficult to diagnose, takes time to rule out other things and would never be diagnosed by a GP.
Has she had an MRI scan and a lumbar puncture? Separate periods of neurological symptoms? Because it seems odd to me that she wouldn't mention these.
Your poor parents.

Disengage, eventually she’ll be found out by everyone else.

Years ago a man dh worked with said his eldest had died of cancer, his middle child HAD cancer and the baby was being tested for cancer. It’s a pack of lies and he got sacked after taking a day off to go to hospital and his wife put fb photos up of them all at a theme park 🤨 people fundraiser to help them out and he had lots of time off.

He’s told that lie to other people as well after that.

My sister is a liar, she lies about everything, her lies range from the laughable to the dangerous and she is shameless, she constantly bigs her grownup kids up telling people that they have important jobs such as working with the prime minister, another one is that her daughter runs sellafield and lives in a mansion, one of her sons drives a forklift and according to my sister had the factory demolished and rebuilt to his specifications, the worse part of it though is that she slags us off telling anyone who will listen that the rest of the family are bad mothers and don't have a clue about rearing their children, she has stolen from us and has no conscience whatsoever and I detest her, she is not ill, I won't make excuses for her, she's a thief and a fucking liar.

@MissConductUS

It sounds like Munchausen Syndrome. I would have a word with your parents about her history of lying and otherwise ignore it. It will eventually become obvious that she's not actually ill.

I was going to say possibly Munchausen syndrome too. Of course it could be possible she's actually ill this time. I've come across people who've been told by the GP they suspect they have this that or the other based on certain signs/symptoms & need further tests but in that person's head they have a meltdown & absolutely think they have it. Trouble is given sisters compulsive lying it's easy to be sceptical.

@YNK

Such a lot of hate on this thread and it seems completely disproportionate.

Something is clearly wrong with her regardless of diagnosis but people are very keen to attribute motives to her strange behaviour when you know so very little.

Or maybe other posters simply have stronger feelings about it than you, as they know what living with a committed liar is like.

I haven't seen any hate, & as this is an anonymous forum which doesn't identify the lying sister, what does it matter if people are speculating (or using direct experience to draw possible conclusions)?

It's also an MN trope to pretend some level of psychiatric knowledge & fire off diagnoses.
Mention some poor behaviour by a third party, & people rush to attribute it to a mental health disorder.
Not all liars are doing so due to illness.
Some get a sick kick out of it.
It's akin to gaslighting in a way - because it's about gaining the upper hand via misinformation, & keeping people they purport to care about on the back foot.

My ex would lie that tuesday was in fact wednesday if he felt like it.
Not for gain, not because he had a disorder, but because he relished the feeling of making fools out of people.

We don't know if the sister has a medical condition, but it's immaterial, as she isn't the OP, who is suffering the ill-effects of this manipulation no matter what the cause may or may not be.

@IDontReadEyebrows

I have a relative that lies all the time. They have borderline personality disorder. Even though I have sympathy for their condition the lying really, really pisses me off so I can understand where you’re coming from completely. Relative still lies in general to basically everyone but does so less to me after I calmly called out a whopper of a lie. They haven’t really started being honest with me they just don’t tell me anything. Thank god.

Aaaaw Eyebrows [raises own in exasperated recognition]

Exhausting & upsetting, innit. Especially when they deny/refuse to acknowledge/receive treatment for the BPD.

Solidarity, sister! I'm handing you the xx

I'd be careful of the stories of things improving after calling liars out. Not saying that can't happen, but it can also make things much worse & you'll be targeted with lies to make you look the bad one.

I called my DB out on his BS & it resulted in him flying off & gloating about the lies he'd told DM about me that lead to her often flying off the handle at me & going NC for months, even years on end. He gloated that he'd made sure our DM "knew me fir the useless bitch I really was & she knew I was a prostitute as that's all I was good for" (huge jealousy over my work success) we lost my DM years ago & no going back. I was the one there for her in the end, DB couldn't hack it & was nowhere to be seen. DM apologised to me, but no going back when we'd lost get

He then upped the anti & started the lies to Dad & even shit stirring with my DD until I stopped his contact with her. He still does that now if he can

So be prepared that calling them out can unleash absolute rage & a need to destroy you

Why don't you ask her when her appointments with her Consultant Neurologist are. On the pretext of offering to go with her.

@PrettyLittleFlies

I just think it's sad. Your sister is sick, she has quite a serious MH condition. She may not even be aware how extreme it is.

I wouldn't follow any of the advice in here. Compulsive liars don't recover by being humiliated. It's complex but perhaps get some professional advice for you and your parents about how to cope/manage. You all need to accept that this is her and all you can change is your response. It is definitely difficult. But try to understand that she does have a genuinely debilitating illness but that it's mental rather than physical.

I have been through this with a close family member and what worked was a very gentle, loving approach. Tons of patience, give them time to respond (so they don't lie out of panic), reiterate they are loved and accepted for who they are, tons of encouragement.

Our family liar is now almost completely recovered, only slips up when in a panic. I believe that with time and as their confidence grows, they will change that response too.

I'm pleased for you Pretty, & you are a kind & loving relative.

But the difference between your experience & many PP's is that your family member 1) accepted they had a compulsive disorder, & 2) WANTED to get better 3) WANTED to stop hurting others.

Many of the other examples are people who enjoy their lying far too much to see anything wrong with it. And don't care who gets hurt in the process. The nastier ones are doing it BECAUSE people get hurt in the process - they enjoy getting off on others' pain.

Look at @SingingInTheShithouse's awful example.
Who can say whether her DB lied due to an illness, or lied to get a thrill out of causing a damaging family rift? If the latter, that's not a Compulsive disorder, it's either some form of Cluster-B disorder (who knows?) or just plain nastiness.

Liars who are lying for effect/gain rather than solely due to MH issues don't give a shit who they are hurting. Because they are mainly doing it to cause damage.
So they are not like your relative, & no - this type won't recover by being humilated either, but it sure as hell stops them dead in their tracks when people have finally had enough & call out their bullshit.

That's not something I'd want to do to someone who has a MH issue, but it's effective in the moment, & reduces the propensity for the ill-intentioned liar to see you are a likely mark in future.

for you Shithouse (love the moniker btw) xx

So be prepared that calling them out can unleash absolute rage & a need to destroy you

Absolutely this Shithouse.
Although by the time people reach the point of needing to confront, if that's their choice, they generally have a pretty good handle on the situation, personality of the liar, & how things are likely to pan out post-confrontation.

Someone DH went to school with told everyone she had cancer. It was a small private school so mostly wealthy pupils and they all felt so bad for her, they had a huge fundraiser and raised thousands to help her and her family through their tough time. She let them all carry on with this and she even forged some NHS letters to show everyone she had cancer but I believe this is how she was rumbled because someone knew NHS letters weren’t typed in such a way. Nobody spoke to her again, they couldn’t forgive her for it. She had to get up in front of everyone and apologise for lying. Awful.

Some people are just serial liars, they’re obviously mentally ill and need some help. It’s always going to be the boy who cried wolf though isn’t it, if anything genuinely serious does happen to her nobody will believe her. I’d just keep asking a lot of questions as someone else suggested, if everyone challenges her on things she will just embarrass herself.

My now sadly decesased sil was like thiis some of her lies were silly ,she once told me she had met Jon Bon Jovi on a family trip to London as a teen he had come to the accomodation they were staying in and she had made him a coffee and he told her to call him "J" I then later met and married her brother ,he has no recollection of this even though he was on the same family trip
Some of here lies were dangerous,though she accused my DH of beating her up , I was there he didn't ,her step dad of abusing her daughter ,but she still allowed him to look after her all the time
After her death her friend wrote an obituary in the local paper , remembering her as a talented swimmer in her youth who had once successfully swum the English channel,also complete nonsense.

Absolutely this Shithouse.
Although by the time people reach the point of needing to confront, if that's their choice, they generally have a pretty good handle on the situation, personality of the liar, & how things are likely to pan out post-confrontation.

Yes & no to that last bit. It's hard to acknowledge to ourselves just how bad they really are when its family. DB was/is evil & has done done truly awful stuff, but he's my golden boy little brother, so you are partly conditioned yo put him on a pedestal & partly can't get your head around how they think when you've put your own neck on the line to help them time after time

It's sad, still hurts at times, but boy is life peaceful without his drama

I would challenge her about it. Does anyone challenge her about her bullshit normally? Plus the fact your partner has this condition makes her behaviour even more out of order. Does she also think you’re all stupid?!

Be warned, I called out a liar like this and they've destroyed my reputation and completely isolated me.
They're so good at lying, they believe their own lies. People might not believe you.

I second the suggestion to ask her about a made up test/medication and see what she says.

@ChargingBuck
I'm pleased for you Pretty, & you are a kind & loving relative.

But the difference between your experience & many PP's is that your family member 1) accepted they had a compulsive disorder, & 2) WANTED to get better 3) WANTED to stop hurting others.

Thank you for your kind words.

The person didn't actually get a diagnosis of admit to anything. Joint family therapy was a disaster 😔
But we sought therapy without the person on how to manage and followed that advice. It went against our instincts which were to confront, the advice was to be very gentle and to say v little but to keep in touch with the person, show interest in their life and try to be encouraging and reassuring. Which we've all continued to do. Previously we were hung up on outrage about the lies and how it affected us but once we had the sympathetic ear of a therapist, the anger melted away and we focused on following the advice. God knows our previous ways of managing hadn't helped.

Everyone is different though and maybe some families just can't get past the hurt. I can't help but think that a person who is so attached to telling outrageous lies in order to gain attention must be pretty sad inside.

Not to suggest it isn't also sad for those around them, absolutely it is. We can only change our responses to other people's behaviour and sometimes that does mean cutting ties with them.

I think the doctor might have said she had a bad case of BS and not MS

Just go no contact and forget about it

Tell your parents you don’t wish to discuss it if they bring it up

No need to out her. Just for the small chance she isn’t lying
But it’s clearly all irritating you so the best thing to do is go no contact

@Youdiditanyway

Someone DH went to school with told everyone she had cancer. It was a small private school so mostly wealthy pupils and they all felt so bad for her, they had a huge fundraiser and raised thousands to help her and her family through their tough time. She let them all carry on with this and she even forged some NHS letters to show everyone she had cancer but I believe this is how she was rumbled because someone knew NHS letters weren’t typed in such a way. Nobody spoke to her again, they couldn’t forgive her for it. She had to get up in front of everyone and apologise for lying. Awful.

Some people are just serial liars, they’re obviously mentally ill and need some help. It’s always going to be the boy who cried wolf though isn’t it, if anything genuinely serious does happen to her nobody will believe her. I’d just keep asking a lot of questions as someone else suggested, if everyone challenges her on things she will just embarrass herself.

That’s awful how old was she ??? She wasn’t to blame if just a child something must have been going seriously wrong for her to lie like that and how did a fundraiser get that far before her parents knew about it ??

@YNK

Such a lot of hate on this thread and it seems completely disproportionate.

Something is clearly wrong with her regardless of diagnosis but people are very keen to attribute motives to her strange behaviour when you know so very little.

Yes exactly!