Aibu to think most people don't smack their children

[sqirrelfriends]

So I just read a daily mail article (I know it's trash, please don't judge me) that's saying that experts are calling for smacking to be banned in England.

The comments section really surprised me, I don't know anyone who smacks their kids but it's overflowing with people saying that its the only way to control children and that half the prison population are there because they weren't smacked. Anyone saying that its wrong to physically punish a child is downvoted into oblivion.

Am I wrong to think this should have been illegal a long time ago? It's just seems wrong to be and my understanding was that kids who have been hit are more likely to be violent themselves.

I got the odd smack as a child. It doesn't sound remotely like what many of you are talking about here. My parents are dotes. Really good, kind parents. It never hurt but did shock. It only ever happened when I really crossed a line.

We the and now have an excellent relationship. But I think lots of 'smacking' is more like belting a child than what I experienced.

@WeatherSystems

Thanks for your comments on the thread *@DrSbaitso*

Utterly horrified by @Lilypansy comments, until the part when she admitted she hit her children when they were small. Of course her comments make sense now.

Thank you.

I doubt she will see it, but her overly simplistic understanding and approach to this is serving as an excellent illustration of why smacking is poor parenting. It literally discourages reasoning, on all sides!

I’ve never smacked either of my two dc, now aged 9 and 18. It’s just completely unnecessary and barbaric. I was smacked as a child and I remember the terror of waiting for the smack and the pain etc - and it was very much “normal” smacking, the type most parents did in the 70s and 80s.

half the prison population are there because they weren't smacked

YANBU.

Far likely to be the other way round.

Violence breeds violence, alongside the kind of horrible emotional problems that prevent people from building successful lives without the spectre of jail in them.

I don’t think it’s normal to smack? It’s been illegal in my home country for about 15 years so the UK should definitely catch up. I’m early 30s and was smacked ONCE growing up, a slap on the leg in the car for some reason. The only time in my childhood.

I'd never smack my child.

It's violence, why would I want to inflict that on my child. My parents slapped us and I haven't forgotten about it.
Half the time, there was no need for their smacking but in actual fact them not being able to control their own emotions and actions.

It's not okay to smack, it makes me feel sick.

I thought similar op, then 2 friends admitted they smack their kids.
One of them slapped her teen.
It probably does happen more than we think and they just don’t tend to be open about it.

I wonder some parents smack out of embarrassment, if their child hits/bites another child at a soft play say, it makes the parent think they look more authoritative and that the child got a 'proper' telling off vs the getting down to the child level and explaining why you don't hit/bite whilst the child completely ignores the parent

@Mousetown I know it's strange.

I also dont agree that the government has any right to tell me how to discipline my child.

If you are too obtuse to understand the difference between discipline & bullying, you have no business being in charge of children.

OP I thought the same as you, but actually I reckon probably a 1/3 of my friends do at some time. All middle class and educated - one is a police officer and another a Head Teacher.

I agree it should be illegal. I can't go around smacking any other person, quite rightly it would be assault, but just because I am a parent I can hit my child? No other person looking after my child can, again it would be abuse, so it is totally illogical that I could.

@lovelybitofsquirrell

Personally detest smacking. I was never smacked as child and would never lay my hands on mine.

I have only one friend who openly admits to smacking. Her reasoning is she doesn't smack hard enough to leave a mark and a tap instilled the right amount of fear and respect.

Fucking hell Squirrel.

You must find this 'friend' very hard to be around.
Wonder how she'd like to meet me? I could very quickly show her how fear works, if she'd like to fully understand her childrens' feelings on the subject.

& on that note it may be better if I depart this thread, before I write something unfair or regrettable.

I know a good few parents who smack and it’s definitely the “culture” amongst older people I know- my parents smacked me and my grandparents smacked them.

I smacked DD once, thankfully not hard but it absolutely shocked me that I’d lost control like that. She had been hitting and biting me all day and at one point she slapped me hard across the face and I didn’t even think, I just instinctively reached out and smacked her back. I have PTSD and I think being hit all day really triggered me. Worst moment of my parenting life, I cried for hours after she went to bed. So although I don’t agree with it, I do understand how it happens when people are struggling.

I'd never smack my child. I wasn't smacked by my own parents either.

@Lilypansy

If they are able to understand you saying "that's wrong because xyz", then they don't need you to hit them to explain it. Possibly, but a smack reinforces the message. I do get tired of what I frequently see, or more accurately, read on Mumsnet, as ineffective parenting, from parents who have not yet finished bringing up their children. A quick look at the teenagers threads should be enough to point out the consequences of a failure to properly discipline children. I'm not saying that smacking is the only resolution, but neither does it justify the cries of horror that it so often elicits. My own children were smacked when young, and are now perfectly well balanced, successful women in their mid forties with families of their own.

Lilypansy, how would you feel if I were to decide to teach you "smacking's wrong because xyz"?

I promise I wouldn't be an "ineffective" educator. I could "properly disciple you" until you emitted your own "cries of horror". I'm sure you'd come out of it still "perfectly well balanced" though - so no harm done.

Before you start spluttering & justifying your bullying of children, stop & consider that you don't have a moral leg to stand on.
If you feel justified in hitting a defenceless child, surely it's far less reprehensible for me to hit a perfectly capable adult?

What makes you think that you are more deserving of legal & ethical protection that a child?

I've never smacked my kids although I was beaten myself as a child. I was terrified of my mum.

Not a parenting technique I wanted to replicate.

I know smackers always say they are just tapping or pattycaking or whatever, but even if that's true - and as the bigger, stronger person who's doing the hitting, they really can't know that - once you've made it ok to hit when you deem it acceptable, you've removed a massive boundary in terms of self control and safeguarding.

Why would anyone take the risk?

& apologies to all reasonable posters here for my intemperance in 2 PP's.

Obviously I am not planning to commit actual violence on people, but it's amazing how quickly child-hitting cowards bullies will expostulate that violence against THEM is out of line.
It's just ok when they are perpetrating it. On kids who can't escape them.

Congratulations to all those who have had enough support not to reach the end of their patience.

Sending support to all those who cope day in, day out, and occasionally lapse from their own standards and then put it right again.

@3scape

Smacking has been pretty rare in most countries for quite a long time. People who smack should be kept away from children - no excuses. Abuse literally damages how the brain develops and you can't smack and not be abusive as either you have anger control issues or you are a cold calculating child beater planning punishments.

I could not agree with this more. We have never raised a hand to our children (one of whom is now a teenager) and they are very well behaved and well adjusted.

I don't know a single person who smacks their children and I wouldn't be friends with or allow any children I have around people who did.

It's lazy and abusive behaviour and all it shows a child is that you can't control your anger and that they have no rights to feel safe or protect their own bodies.

How hypocritical. People can smack their children, but then be horrified if they enter into a relationship that has domestic abuse as an adult? You're literally teaching them that the people who are supposed to love you the most and protect you, can be violent towards you when angry. Disgusting.

My son was on about this the other day as his friends had discussed how savage their parents are. He is in a friend group of 7 boys and only him and 1 other has /does not get smacked

Utterly horrified by @Lilypansy comments, until the part when she admitted she hit her children when they were small. Of course her comments make sense now.

Thank you. I doubt she will see it, but her overly simplistic understanding and approach to this is serving as an excellent illustration of why smacking is poor parenting. It literally discourages reasoning, on all sides!
Actually no, I am quite open to reason. All I am saying is that today's society is over tolerant of poor behaviour from children, and that smacking should not elicit the horrified reaction that it does from so many people. Smacking was not the only technique I used with my own children. There was plenty of explaining why something was wrong, without smacking, but they were wary of crossing boundaries, which I don't see from many children today.
Also that there is an arrogance in so many people claiming that they 'know better,' even when they haven't yet finished bringing up their own children.
If smacking was so terrible and caused such problems, there ought to be a whole generation of people of my age with mental health issues. Clearly, this is not the case.
In addition to bringing up my own children, I am also a retired teacher with over 30 years of experience with children.

@Allington

Congratulations to all those who have had enough support not to reach the end of their patience.

Sending support to all those who cope day in, day out, and occasionally lapse from their own standards and then put it right again.

It’s not about lack of support, would you say that to an adult that smacks their partner etc?

I understand a beating being damaging. But not a smack on the bum. My mother smacked us growing up (smack on bottoms) and we had a close relationship growing up.

We are very close now too.