To not check the prices of my DDs birthday presents?

[PassionFruitJaffaCake]

AIBU to think no-one does this or am I odd?
My DD recently had a birthday.

She’s still young enough to not care how much something costs.

My mum insisted on going through every present with her and then googling it to see how much someone may or may not have spent, and then ranking that on how much the person likes DD. Obviously anyone from her family who spent a small amount (her opinion of a small amount is £20 or under) is struggling for money but anyone from my dad’s family (they’re not together) who spent a small amount doesn’t like DD very much.

So my mums sister and BIL spending £15 were struggling financially, whereas my dad’s sister and BIL spending £12 meant they don’t like DD very much – it didn’t matter to her that DD loved both presents and ended up playing with the toys given together (both got her a doll like a Barbie but not Barbie they each got her a different brand, both ended up in DDs Barbie house and she now couldn’t tell you which aunt got her which doll).

I honestly don’t care what anyone spends on me or DD for Birthdays or Christmas, someones taken time out of their day to choose a present and spent their money whether they’ve spent £1 or £100. When choosing presents especially for family I think less about how much it costs and more about whether the recipient will like it, I am sure my family on both sides think the same.

Mum says everyone checks the prices of presents nowadays and forms an opinion of someone based on how much they spend. She seemed to think I was the odd one.

AIBU to think no-one does this? Or am I really strange in not doing this?

@FusionChefGeoff

I am open mouthed reading this - how did you just stand by and let that happen??? I would have removed DC / changes the subject immediately what an absolutely awful thing to do.

I'd have a Big Chat about how wrong it was and how money doesn't mean anything and we can't possibly know what other people think. We also shouldn't care what other people think of us.

And I'd go ape shit at my mother and struggle to let her spend any time with DD if that's the kind of morals / messages she's giving out.

Fucking lunatic.

Yes every word of this. Your Mum sounds like one messed up woman.

Please don't let her have any influence on your child if this is her standards.

I have never heard of anyone doing this and am genuinely shocked. What an awful thing to teach your child.

You need to stop being a pushover with your mum, to protect your DD from her behaviour

Another one who has never heard of anyone doing this. How very odd!

Why is your mum even getting involved?

What a vile mother for suggesting such. Talk to her about what she is saying to a child. Not really appropriate at all. How she always been this horrible/judgemental/unreasonable/horrible?

@PassionFruitJaffaCake

*Why did you tell your daughter that? Please tell me you didn’t let your mum do this shit in front of her? Otherwise, there is no reason to have that conversation with your daughter. 😳 I’d have told my mother to leave for that.*

@Cocomarine I'm a pushover when it comes to my mum, I feel very guilty so I just let her do things and sort out the consequences later.

I genuinely dont mean to sound blunt or rude but you need to step up and parent in these scenarios. That means, however hard it is, putting a stop to it immediately or removing your child from the situation. This is absolutely not ok of your mum and your shouldn't let it play out so there are consequences to deal with. Stop it before then.

I do get though how hard it can be to confront someone thos toxic and I really do feel for you

Absolutely bizarre. I could never imagine doing this.

It’s astonishing you’re allowing your DD to think this is acceptable. You’re supposed to be her gatekeeper, you model the behavior you want her to have.

I understand family dynamics are tricky, but I assume your goal is not to raise a grabby, entitled kid

You need to stop being such a pushover or you risk your dd becoming the same.
If my mum started Googling prices I'd have her stop or leave immediately. Horrible

@Drivingmeupthewall

Don’t ever allow allow your mum to sit down with your daughter googling the price of her presents and telling her who apparently does and doesn’t like her based on the cost, again. That is fucking twisted and is giving your daughter the most appalling message.

This. What a horrible influence on your daughter.

Wow. My mom sometimes annoys me, but I cannot imagine her doing this. It is so crass and I agree with others - you need to protect your child from this behavior.

I think your Mum has got the wrong idea about gift giving.. all very shallow minded of her. Does she do this,when she herself receives a present ?

I'd bought a much more expensive toy for kids of a couple of friends and they were sheepish and embarrassed when they handed toys over for my kids due to perceived price differential. On that occasion I googled to ease their embarrassment and show them that I'd got theirs for half price. However, where it's thought and not cost 99% of the time, I'd be hurt if there was a massive price difference between gifts for different grandchildren or say groups of friends that club together for different friends birthdays etc. It is definitely not on to go through this with a kid and label it up as who cares more - hopefully your views will rub off on your daughter. Some people also value different things more, so your mum might value presents and cost whereas someone else values actions or words more etc.

Why didn't you stop your mum OP soon as she started doing that with your DD?
Just because your mum thinks it's normal doesn't mean it is and you know that or you wouldn't be asking. It also sends out a really bad message to your daughter.
You need boundaries, my mum would of been asked to leave as soon as she started that shit

@PassionFruitJaffaCake, can I gently suggest that you have a look at the Stately Homes thread over in Relationships

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4182916-March-2021-Well-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-thread

Also to maybe check out Susan Forwards book

www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/books/susan-forward/toxic-parents/9780553284348?gclid=Cj0KCQjw5uWGBhCTARIsAL70sLK26K9NaApRBVXDN1hwQTMNU4xaWlg9oCxFMR_-2W_bKspyU_lEwB0aAigpEALw_wcB

You let your daughter think people don’t like her very much…?

You may be a ‘push over’ when it comes to your mother. But you’re really throwing your own daughter under the bus in an effort to placate your thoroughly warped and unpleasant mother.

Maybe have a think about whose wellbeing you should be prioritising.

Echoing ElGuardiandenoche about the Stately Homes recommendation. Your mum is not right in the head, but you're not alone and you're not responsible for it.

Bloody hell what is wrong with your mother?! That is not normal behaviour.

I was about to tell you that YANBU. Then I saw that you stand by and let her do this in front of your DD, so YABU. Your DM's behaviour is awful. The fact that you allow it to happen in front of your DD and don't stop it is equally awful. Get a backbone.

Personally I'd text all your relatives "please could you not give DD's presents to my mum as she googles what you've bought to find out how much you've spent then passes judgement on this to other people". If your DM really believes she has done nothing wrong and everyone does this, then she should have no objection.

If your mum knew anything about children, she would know that the most expensive gifts always get overlooked and the cheap, nasty, tat that cost a quid (or even better came free with a happy meal) is the BEST.TOY.EVER!!!

V odd and a bit sad!

Your mum is nasty. The worst thing is she is trying to influence your daughter. I would have a word and tell her to cut it out immediately

No, that’s gross.