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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to help at the party?

82 replies

GrandmaSharkdodo · 28/06/2021 15:13

So, a friend of mine(let's call her Louise) has a garden with a pool and also has a DD who is 8. She is a lovely friend and we get on well. My DD is 2 and plays a lot with her's. I received a text from Louise asking us to a pool party in a few weeks. Great. I ask what I can bring, and she goes on to tell me that really the party is for her DD and five friends from school, and in reality she is worried about having so many children at the pool as her DH won't be around, so she wants another adult there to help. To be honest if there are more older kids going I know my DD won't be herself as she is shy and I worry enough about her at the pool to really be able to help out with strangers' kids as well.
So, AIBU to sit out the party, but leave my friend without help? Or should I be kind and lend her a hand, even though I don't even know these children?
Yes, YABU. You should help.a.friend in a tricky spot.
No, YANBU. Friend needs to be responsible for her own party planning.

OP posts:

Jumpingintosummer · 28/06/2021 15:16

In all honesty you aren’t in a position to help whilst supervising a two year old.

Beamur · 28/06/2021 15:16

You could tactfully have something else on that day?

ApolloandDaphne · 28/06/2021 15:17

I would tell her you would love to come but not to rely on you to supervise other children as your DD needs your full attention around water. Suggest she also invites another adult who can help supervise the older children?

HappyCamperT5 · 28/06/2021 15:17

Yanbu, she shouldn't have planned a party she couldn't cope with and just expect you to help out ..

PanamaPattie · 28/06/2021 15:18

Your friend should’ve have invited you to the party if you were just there to help. She should have been honest with you and asked for help. Say you will decline the invitation as you cannot look after your toddler as well as many older children.

Marmite27 · 28/06/2021 15:18

You’ll need to be able to keep a close eye on your 2 year old, not supervise a load of 5 year olds.

I’d decline to attend.

Original poster

GrandmaSharkdodo · 28/06/2021 15:20

Thanks for the responses. My reaction was to not go as I worry enough about my DD near the water. But then I felt bad for my friend as she's quite stressed out.

OP posts:

MindyStClaire · 28/06/2021 15:20

I have a three year old who's reasonably well behaved. I wouldn't feel comfortable watching her near a pool and helping out. Watching her would be a fulltime job.

Beamur · 28/06/2021 15:20

I think it's fair enough to say you don't think you could fully supervise the pool with a toddler in tow. But you can't really say your DD won't like a party after you've already accepted an invitation to (what you thought was) a party.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 28/06/2021 15:21

@Jumpingintosummer

In all honesty you aren’t in a position to help whilst supervising a two year old.

Yeah this. 2 to old needs close supervision so you really won't be any help ro her. Just tell her that and that for that reason you'll just come visit a different time.

Backhills · 28/06/2021 15:23

I would help if I could easily leave DC with DH, but I wouldn't go if it meant taking a 2yo.

NameChangeAgain2 · 28/06/2021 15:24

At age 8 they'll likely all be able to swim, you'd just be keeping a general eye while chatting with your friend and watching your DD. If she's a good friend I'd help.

TeenMinusTests · 28/06/2021 15:25

Is the 2yo's Dad around? Can you leave your DD with him and help your friend?

Maskedrevenger · 28/06/2021 15:25

I wouldn’t have thought that 6 8 year olds would want a 2 yr old at a pool party. Your friends DD may be sensible and used to being around your 2 yr but the other children may not be and there may be splashing, shrieking running around etc not a place for you to be able to keep a safe eye on your wee one, never mind other children as well. Your friend will have to rearrange it when her DH can help or ask one of the other parents to stay and help. It’s not a case of being kind it’s just being safe around water.

StringersBell · 28/06/2021 15:26

I would say same as above, that you can’t help whilst supervising DD. Could DD be looked after by someone else in your family whilst you help? Away from the party I mean. Obviously you’re not under any obligation to do this but you say Louise is a friend and seems stressed...Also, does your DD really play well with an 8 year old?! Not doubting, just impressed as my DD wouldn’t have with that age gap (either as a 2 or 8year old!)

Howshouldibehave · 28/06/2021 15:27

It wouldn’t be a good idea to have a 2 year older at a much older child’s pool party and you’re not going to be much help with supervision as your child will need the most!

Justcallmebebes · 28/06/2021 15:31

At age 8 they'll likely all be able to swim, you'd just be keeping a general eye while chatting with your friend and watching your DD. If she's a good friend I'd help.

^This. I'm really shocked at the number saying they wouldn't help!!

shouldistop · 28/06/2021 15:32

As pp have said you'll have to keep much too close an eye on your toddler to be able to help with other people's kids.
I feel like your friend is a bit cheeky making sure you're free before telling you what it's really about so you now can't say you're busy.
If she was worried about the party why didn't she ask the other kids parents to stay?

shouldistop · 28/06/2021 15:34

@Beamur ops friend took away that option as she invited op before telling her she was actually being invited as the help.

kittycat863 · 28/06/2021 15:36

Very dangerous to be asking you to look after other children when being distracted for 10 seconds could lead to your child drowning. They're older, she's 2. I absolutely wouldn't let my 3 year olds near a pool.

Maskedrevenger · 28/06/2021 15:37

I’m a pp who said no you shouldn’t help, it’s not enough to be primarily watching your own toddler, chatting to the friend and keeping half an eye on the older ones. There is a risk to the older ones around water as well, I’m sure there are statistics available but unfortunately children of all ages can be at risk around water. Many children of even 10 are not confident swimmers ( I have personal knowledge of volunteering for an organisation for children aged 10 and up where water safety was paramount).

BadgerFace · 28/06/2021 15:40

I think with a 2 year old you aren’t the right person she should have asked to help as you’d need all eyes on your child around a pool… surely one of the parents of an invited child could help?!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 28/06/2021 15:42

I'd go & help her but leave my 2yo at home.
I couldn't possibly be any use if I had to look after my own kids

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2021 15:43

Oh I’d definitely go and help out. Unless there is a back story unspoken then looking after a two year old is not something you cannot multi task around. Most folks do.

VettiyaIruken · 28/06/2021 15:43

I'd leave my toddler with their dad and go help my friend. It's just not possible to help out at a pool party with a toddler in tow

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